Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Medication, Control, Help. (and middle of the night ramblings)

Me:  I don't want to take  my medication anymore.

CT:  Why not.

Me:  Because I don't think it does anything for me.

CT:  Sometimes people don't know if the medication is doing something for them until they go of off it, but I've noticed a shift.

Me:  What?

She doesn't really answer.

CT:  Why do you think you are on the medication?

Me:  Because they say I need it.  Because I'm crazy.

CT:  So you're taking it for other people?

Me:  No, I'm taking it because they say it will help me, but it hasn't helped me.
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Silence
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 Me:  I give everyone so much control over me.  I just give it away.

CT:  What kind of control would you like to have?

Me:  I don't know.  Control over my body, my mind, my feelings, I guess.

CT:  But we don't always have control over those things, any of us.

Me:  I guess.
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.silence
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 Me:  Tim's dead and he still.... maybe control isn't the right word.  He still has a lot of influence over me.

CT:  Uh huh.  He's had a great deal of influence in your life.
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Silence.
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Me:  Do you want to read the letter that my foster mom wrote to me?

She reads it on my phone.

Ct:  Are you reading that letter a lot?

Me:  Why?

CT:  Because it's very hurtful and I can see you reading it a lot.

Me:  Yeah. 

CT:  You shouldn't read that letter anymore.  It's not good for you.

Me:  But she's supposed to be my mom.

CT:  I know.  But she is only hurting you now.
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silence
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ME:  They said they found "roughly X" photos on Tim's computer.  He can't tell me for sure but he thinks it's of just one girl (me).

CT:  Whoa.  That's a lot.  makes you think about how it was even possible to take that many.

ME:  I was nervous he was going to say a big number like one hundred, but he said X!  What is wrong with me?  I don't remember photos at all.  I'm trying and trying to put those photos somewhere in my memory but they just don't fit.  How is it possible for me to not remember X photos?  What else don't I remember?  How was it possible for him to have X photos of me and have no one notice?

CT:  Blah blah blah (Some stuff I don't remember).

ME:  I have been hearing Tim in my head a lot.

CT:  Uh huh...

Me:  I hear him breathing heavily in my ear.  Sometimes I can feel him pull my hair back and whisper in my ear like he used to do.  I can't handle it.  I feel so crazy.
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silence
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Me:  I have been knocking myself out a lot with sleeping pills and alcohol.

CT:  I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that information.  Because you know I care about you.

Me:  I don't know what you're supposed to do with it either.  I just don't know what else to do.  I'm not trying to kill myself.  I just want it to stop.

CT:  We have to stop but I want you to sit and take a few breaths, can you do that.

I get up to leave.

CT:  Not yet.  Lets see if we can get your breathing a little calmer first.

I sit down and try to reach whatever level of oxygenation I think my therapist will approve of before I get up.

Ct:  Don't forget your phone.

I turn back and pick up my cell phone and leave, get to my car, lay my head calmly on the steering wheel a while before I start the engine and drive home, take some cold medicine (this time I actually have a cold) and write this blog entry. 

Are there any therapists/professionals out there that know how to help me?


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Middle of the night sadness update:

It's 2:02 AM, and I'm scouring the internet looking for photos of little C and sobbing.  Please dear readers, no matter what you may personally believe, please don't call him my son.  He's not.  He is their son and I don't ever want to change that.  He is so meant to be theirs and them his.  He's the happiest kid I've ever known.  I don't want to be more than his aunt and egg donor.  I just want to be his family.  To know him.  Love him.  Hear him laugh.  Hear him speak.  See him grow.

I keep going over and over the emails between K and me, trying to figure out exactly what I can say to open the door again, but the truth is, I don't fully understand why the door is so firmly locked and boarded up.  Am I that bad of a person?  (not looking for positive validation here or blaming).  I keep reading the words written to me in the goodbye emails and the words written to me just a week before and they are so contrasting.  I'm so lost.  I honestly and truly am.  I'm not looking for sympathy or for anyone to rally up against them with me.  I'm just so fucking heartbroken.  I don't understand why I didn't deserve a therapy session, or a phone call, or a face to face meeting to work any of this out.  Everything was done over email, which allowed for all kinds of misinterpretation, misunderstanding and projection of feelings.

What is it about me that is so fucking easy to toss away?  No, really?  WHAT?  How can I create a baby with someone and still be scum, unworthy of any kind of reconciliation?  I'm a fucking lunatic.  I know this, but God, people have told me I have a caring heart.  I like to take care of people, to make them happy, to give them things, my eggs being a pretty big example.  But take the whole egg thing out of it.  There was still a very important relationship there, at least for me.  There is such vast hole in my entire being that can't seem to be filled or covered or at least duck taped so that I can breathe properly.  I honestly think it might have been less painful losing every other family from my childhood because I actually let myself believe this one could be for real.  I honestly let myself feel safe.  I mean, we made a baby together, you can't get anymore connected than that, right?  How so very fucking wrong I was.  Unconditional love and connection, the kind worth toughing out the hard times and working things out is only for family, and that I will never be.
 
Why do people keeping calling me family when they really don't mean it?  I mean, I know they think they mean it, but the first time that word has to mean anything, the first time there is any work or pain involved in the relationships, suddenly they want to take back that word.  I mean, my friend literally said she's wanted to take back the word because she can't be my family.  Those were pretty much her words, without giving a direct quote.

So many people dislike me, or at least grow to dislike me.  I am a fucking whiny bitch on this blog because I'm open and honest about the fucking whiny pathetic loser I am on the inside, but to most people in the real world, they have no clue that this is who I really am.  Even those who aren't in the know of what a pathetic person I am, still grow to dislike me for whatever reason.  I'm so lost as to why or how to fix it.  I mean I originally created this blog as a foster care blog, but I was angrily accused of being a copycat, so I kind of steered away from that to avoid hostility.  I read other blogs by people who have experienced similar things to me and have behaved in similar fashions (suicide attempts, etc...) yet I often seem to invite or incite quite a bit of anger in people.  They see something in me that reminds them of someone else they once had to put up with.  There are frequent readers who actively hate/dislike me and aren't afraid to tell me so.  That's fine, but no one tells me WHY so that I can fix it.  I guess it doesn't really matter much anymore because I'm too old to ever have a family or any real hope of forming normal relationships.  Even few close relationships I have end up being burnt out.  People are very interested at first, but slowly they become less and less interested, or maybe just more and more exhausted.  Both?  I'm pretty damaged.  Some foster kids make it and thrive.  I appeared to be one of those "success stories" at first, but I suddenly crashed and burned and can barely function now.  I don't know what happened.  It was like someone smashed and removed all the fuses in my circuit breaker and now I'm left in the dark without any light, power, or energy to find my way out.  I've been crying out for help, but no one knows how to fix what's broken.  

I'm been awake for hours, crying so hard my abdominal muscles ache because I still yearn for a family so badly.  I don't even know exactly which family I am crying for right now.  I'm mostly crying for little C and K and D and L, but I'm still crying for the MANY other families I failed and lost.