Wednesday, May 30, 2012

I need...


I am really not doing well.  I need something but what?  I can't find relief.  The hospital will only lock me away so I will feel worse and probably lose my job if I have to call out sick.  The hospital offers no relief.  They just strip you of your rights and freedom and watch you as you suffer on their foam mattress and white sheets.

I have no one to turn to.  No one.  Nobody.  Absolutely no one.  I can't tell anyone about what's happening to me and around me right now.  I've screwed up with the one person I felt comfortable turning to about these specific things.  No one else wants to hear about kiddy porn, sexual abuse, sending someone that YOU LOVE and followed around like a puppy as a child to prison, therapy, losing a child you helped create, feeling trapped in your head.  I'm so sad about it.  I can't breathe.  I don't talk to people about this stuff in real life.  The only person I did was someone who already knew because of my blog.  That's over now.  Too many things have been said.  I'll never feel completely comfortable or safe to reach out again.  I'll never not feel ashamed and embarrassed.  I am even more ashamed because I know this person has been having a hard time too and I haven't been able to be a normal human being or friend.  I'm an asshole.  I'll never not feel hurt about things that were said to me or angry and sad about things that I've said.  I know that most people can work on things like this and get passed them, but I know that I cannot.  I'm sensitive and super anxious about everything.  I've got a huge bag of fear strapped to my back.  I worry about everything I say or do.  I worry about saying or doing the wrong thing, and everything has been the wrong thing recently, even when I do something I'm terrified of doing for the sake of the relationship.  Everything is the wrong thing to say.  Not talking is wrong.  Talking is wrong.  I say the wrong things even when I thing I'm saying the right things.  I'll never be able to take that huge anxiety and fear of abandonment away from the relationship.  I know myself.  Even if I try, it'll always be there.  I fucked up.  Like always.  It's over.  I'm sad, but what's done is done.  I fucked up like always.

Everyone keeps telling me that one person can't be my all or nothing.  I've never once expected that.  Nor am I asking for that.  I rarely go to anyone (other than my blog and therapist) for help.  No one knows how much I am hurting except for readers and one former friend. It hurts my feelings when people tell me my relationships are one sided because they are FAR from that.  I do a lot for people I love.  I want people to stop thinking that I am a selfish, one sided friend.  It makes me feel really bad.

My girlfriend is super happy and excited about work and school stuff right now.  I'm always there to celebrate her accomplishments, encourage and support her, and pick up the pieces when she falls apart about school and money.  People who read my blog assume that I just take take take, when really it's not like that.  I take care of my girlfriend and my friends.

I'm crazy on this blog, but I hide it well in real life.  I don't let many people see the monster inside because when I do, they take off, even when I warn them.  A couple of days ago, I was crying on the couch when my girlfriend was in the other room.  She came running in to the living room and was literally dancing and jumping up and down while she told me about some grant that she wrote for her work that was accepted.  I'm very happy for her.  I really am, and I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner, but I was sobbing and she was literally dancing with joy and telling me about it while I unsuccessfully fight back the tears.  This is the kind of relationship my gf and I have.  She really notices very little or she freaks out so I have to take care of her because she can't handle when I'm hurting.  This is just who she is.  She's not a bad person.  Just a little oblivious.

I feel so freaking alone and I've ruined everything again.  I hate myself.  Sometimes I feel like I am stuck between two intense people inside me fighting each other as hard as they can and I'm just along for the turbulent ride.  I'm so ridiculously fucked up. 

I just want someone to sit with me and tell me I'm not crazy.  I just don't want to be alone anymore.  I've been alone my whole life.