Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I give up on... oh who cares.

I deleted my last entry to spare hurt feelings.  It's probably right that I'm ridiculous.  I'm fucking psycho.  I know this.  Don't know how to change this.

CT asked me to come in for a last session...well really she wanted to keep going and set an "end date."  I only agreed to one last session, even though I think it's stupid.

Life is killing me right now.  I hadn't cut myself since Feb. 25th, but I just ruined it again.  I'm so fucking weak and ridiculous.  I'd totally go out and get some cocaine if I could get out of bed.  I've needed to take a weeks worth of my meds just to be able to calm down enough to breathe like a normal person.  Why am I so crazy?  I hate it.  I hate being this crazy.  I hate wanting to die all the time.  I hate that I find relief in slicing my skin.  It's so fucked up and gross.  

After my session with CT this week, I'm going to get away by myself for a while.  Maybe I'll go somewhere beautiful, like the Rockies or maybe I'll find a way to go down to Costa Rica to see my best friend and then go spend some time in the Amazon.  I need to get away from life and child pornography and sending someone to jail.  He was going to take a plea deal but now it's all back on for some reason.  It's killing me how wishy washy this whole thing is.  One minute X is happening, the next it's Y.  This is all killing me.  It really is.  It seems like I'm overreacting to other people but this is fucking killing me.  The photos and shame are killing me.  The memories and lack of memories are killing me.  Taking the father of two children away because of me is too hard for me.  I can't do it.  I can't cope with it.  I'm really not ever going to cope with it.  I need to go some place beautiful, some place I feel I can breathe and just disappear into that for a while.  If I'm lucky natural selection will come into play.  But I don't think I'm that lucky.