Thursday, May 31, 2012

Muddy clothes in the laundry room and a screw driver on the corevette

that's what my last foster mom CC said she remembers on why they were so angry and kicked me out at 18.  Then she went on and on about god and her religion and me going to church.  Wtf????  Oh my god.  I can't handle this shit anymore.  I'm done. 

Losing maggie
My sisters schizophrenia
Ending things with CT
The child porn
The child porn case
Sending someone to prison
Whatever this is with "melody"
The email from CC

Its all too much for me.  I don't want to do it anymore.  Please if anyone has any sort of compassion for me, help me.  Help me find some way to make it stop.  I'm too crazy, too far gone.  It hurts too much.  I keep going from sobs to hysterical laughter.  Everything is so funny but then so sad.  I can't do it anymore.

Do you know what its like to be so hungry all the time?  I don't mean physically hungry, I can handle that.  I mean this deep painful yearning.  Melody said I'm a bottomless cup.  I guess she's right.  My cup will never be filled and I can't survive with it being empty all the time.  I don't want to be told someone loves me.  I don't want to be someones project.  I don't want anymore friends because they all dump me.  I honestly just want it all to stop.

STOP.  All of it.  Everything.  Anything.  Any way.  Anytime.  Too much cocaine can make a heart stop, right?  My heart stopped beating before I was five, so...
Since my foster mom wants me to pray, here is a prayer:

Please god, please stop this.  Please just let me rest.  I don't know what I did to make you hate me.  I don't want to suffer anymore.  Please just let me go.  I just want to die.

Therapy, The hospital, child pornography, and reasons to live

This entry is pretty long and kinda melodramatic.

This is bits and pieces of my session with CT today. We talked about therapy, wanting to die and about me going to the hospital.  She thinks I should go.  We also talked about the case, the porn, and fucking up everything.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

I need...


I am really not doing well.  I need something but what?  I can't find relief.  The hospital will only lock me away so I will feel worse and probably lose my job if I have to call out sick.  The hospital offers no relief.  They just strip you of your rights and freedom and watch you as you suffer on their foam mattress and white sheets.

I have no one to turn to.  No one.  Nobody.  Absolutely no one.  I can't tell anyone about what's happening to me and around me right now.  I've screwed up with the one person I felt comfortable turning to about these specific things.  No one else wants to hear about kiddy porn, sexual abuse, sending someone that YOU LOVE and followed around like a puppy as a child to prison, therapy, losing a child you helped create, feeling trapped in your head.  I'm so sad about it.  I can't breathe.  I don't talk to people about this stuff in real life.  The only person I did was someone who already knew because of my blog.  That's over now.  Too many things have been said.  I'll never feel completely comfortable or safe to reach out again.  I'll never not feel ashamed and embarrassed.  I am even more ashamed because I know this person has been having a hard time too and I haven't been able to be a normal human being or friend.  I'm an asshole.  I'll never not feel hurt about things that were said to me or angry and sad about things that I've said.  I know that most people can work on things like this and get passed them, but I know that I cannot.  I'm sensitive and super anxious about everything.  I've got a huge bag of fear strapped to my back.  I worry about everything I say or do.  I worry about saying or doing the wrong thing, and everything has been the wrong thing recently, even when I do something I'm terrified of doing for the sake of the relationship.  Everything is the wrong thing to say.  Not talking is wrong.  Talking is wrong.  I say the wrong things even when I thing I'm saying the right things.  I'll never be able to take that huge anxiety and fear of abandonment away from the relationship.  I know myself.  Even if I try, it'll always be there.  I fucked up.  Like always.  It's over.  I'm sad, but what's done is done.  I fucked up like always.

Everyone keeps telling me that one person can't be my all or nothing.  I've never once expected that.  Nor am I asking for that.  I rarely go to anyone (other than my blog and therapist) for help.  No one knows how much I am hurting except for readers and one former friend. It hurts my feelings when people tell me my relationships are one sided because they are FAR from that.  I do a lot for people I love.  I want people to stop thinking that I am a selfish, one sided friend.  It makes me feel really bad.

My girlfriend is super happy and excited about work and school stuff right now.  I'm always there to celebrate her accomplishments, encourage and support her, and pick up the pieces when she falls apart about school and money.  People who read my blog assume that I just take take take, when really it's not like that.  I take care of my girlfriend and my friends.

I'm crazy on this blog, but I hide it well in real life.  I don't let many people see the monster inside because when I do, they take off, even when I warn them.  A couple of days ago, I was crying on the couch when my girlfriend was in the other room.  She came running in to the living room and was literally dancing and jumping up and down while she told me about some grant that she wrote for her work that was accepted.  I'm very happy for her.  I really am, and I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner, but I was sobbing and she was literally dancing with joy and telling me about it while I unsuccessfully fight back the tears.  This is the kind of relationship my gf and I have.  She really notices very little or she freaks out so I have to take care of her because she can't handle when I'm hurting.  This is just who she is.  She's not a bad person.  Just a little oblivious.

I feel so freaking alone and I've ruined everything again.  I hate myself.  Sometimes I feel like I am stuck between two intense people inside me fighting each other as hard as they can and I'm just along for the turbulent ride.  I'm so ridiculously fucked up. 

I just want someone to sit with me and tell me I'm not crazy.  I just don't want to be alone anymore.  I've been alone my whole life. 

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Wanna see where it all happened?

I'm feeling kinda giddy right now.  Red wine.  Maybe ill take a walk since I've been in bed all day.  I have this strange desire to cut my hair.  Not gonna cuz that's ridiculous.

Do you see the pictures of the house below.  Isn't it hilarious?  I can't stop giggling.  Its so absurd.  This stupid little house and bathroom with rubber ducky tiles.  Hahahahahaha!  Omg.  I'm not sure why its so funny to me right now. 
A friend said she's done with me and I think its hilarious.  I knew it would happen, cuz I'm seriously messed up.  What kind of person only has a blog to turn to?  Haha.  Sad, but kinda funny too. 
Do you need a passport to get into mexico now?  I have this picture of my brother and me on a donkey.  I'm not sure where it was taken, probably in Nogales Mexico?  Its the town that borders the az border.

This house is so small.  Its ridiculous.  Its absurd.  How can a place with rubber ducky tiles be something I have nightmares about?  Haha, I'm totally stupid.and insane.

I mean, how insane is it that this place was where my child porn was made?  This place is where I did so many fucked up things...and it has rubber ducky tiles.  Hahahahahahahaha. 

This place is where the child porn was made.  The same child porn that sick people are beating off to right now.  Life is strange and because I made child porn and someone showed me what a fucked up thing I did, he is going to prison for a long long time.  The rubber ducky bathroom is the place where this person lived with me.  The person I'm sending to prison.  Hahaha.  Rubber ducky tiles.  Its funny because its so cute.  Its so cute and it makes me want to vomit. 

I'm taking a father away from two children because of rubber ducky tiles.  Lol.

I'm giggling and I know its not normal, it just seems soo freaking funny all of a sudden.  My ridiculous life experiences are on video and film for people to get off on.  And they probably see a rubber ducky bathroom.  And that closet...I used to hide in it except my floors were wood floors painted turquoise which is funny too. 

Omg.  I think I need to take a walk.  I'm fucking nuts.




I give up on... oh who cares.

I deleted my last entry to spare hurt feelings.  It's probably right that I'm ridiculous.  I'm fucking psycho.  I know this.  Don't know how to change this.

CT asked me to come in for a last session...well really she wanted to keep going and set an "end date."  I only agreed to one last session, even though I think it's stupid.

Life is killing me right now.  I hadn't cut myself since Feb. 25th, but I just ruined it again.  I'm so fucking weak and ridiculous.  I'd totally go out and get some cocaine if I could get out of bed.  I've needed to take a weeks worth of my meds just to be able to calm down enough to breathe like a normal person.  Why am I so crazy?  I hate it.  I hate being this crazy.  I hate wanting to die all the time.  I hate that I find relief in slicing my skin.  It's so fucked up and gross.  

After my session with CT this week, I'm going to get away by myself for a while.  Maybe I'll go somewhere beautiful, like the Rockies or maybe I'll find a way to go down to Costa Rica to see my best friend and then go spend some time in the Amazon.  I need to get away from life and child pornography and sending someone to jail.  He was going to take a plea deal but now it's all back on for some reason.  It's killing me how wishy washy this whole thing is.  One minute X is happening, the next it's Y.  This is all killing me.  It really is.  It seems like I'm overreacting to other people but this is fucking killing me.  The photos and shame are killing me.  The memories and lack of memories are killing me.  Taking the father of two children away because of me is too hard for me.  I can't do it.  I can't cope with it.  I'm really not ever going to cope with it.  I need to go some place beautiful, some place I feel I can breathe and just disappear into that for a while.  If I'm lucky natural selection will come into play.  But I don't think I'm that lucky.

Thursday, May 24, 2012


There is so much jumbling around my brain that I just do not understand, probably because it doesn't make any sort of sense.  I feel like I have this huge deficit in whatever parts of my brain are in charge of relationships and regulating the flood of pain I create and swim in.  I've been in therapy for the last two years in the hopes of finding some way to keep my head above the flash flood, maybe even find something to stand on.  A raft to keep me dry as I navigate my way around the rapids.  Two years of therapy and I'm no dryer than before.  I'm still soaking wet.  Still drowning in water that might even be a little deeper in some spots.  I stopped going to DBT and I'm seriously considering stopping therapy altogether, especially after CT seriously hurt my feelings.  Again.  I'm actually trying to think of what I can say in my voicemail canceling my sessions next week and letting her know that I won't be returning.  I want to say something elegant and final.  The perfect words to end on.  Words that will prevent her from calling me back and requesting a goodbye session.  So far I've got nothing.    

The first half of 2012 has been awful.  In this one year I've discovered that someone captured my childhood sexual abuse in images.  I've discovered that little bits of my most painful events are now floating around the world so that anyone who really wants to can see it, enjoy it.  With those photos came all kinds of paperwork, embarrassment, shame, invasion of my privacy, and well, just a lot of things I have a hard time dealing with.  Officer Good is no longer the person who will talk to me about the case.  It's been officially transferred to Arizona.  I'm having a really hard time managing this stuff.  I don't have the words to be able to articulate just how alone I feel.  I thought I felt alone in the world before.  I had no idea just how much worse it could get in life.

There isn't really anyone out there who can really "get it."  I'm a weirdo among foster children.  I'm not fucked up enough or I'm too fucked up.  I've accomplished too much or not enough.  I seem to be stuck in this lonely middle area of former foster children.  I wish I had some friends in real life who know what it's like to grow up in foster care.  Who know what it's like to grow up in a government system.  Who know what it's like to feel like the child nobody wants.  I don't have any friends like that.  I don't know anyone in real life with an abuse history like mine.  I don't know why so much bad stuff has happened to me in life.  Sometimes I feel like all these bad things that have happened in my life are natures way of telling me I'm not supposed to be here.  Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm being punished for something.  My sister's death maybe?  Not stopping the beating of the man in the middle east?  Why has my life been so painful and just so freaking strange?  I don't blame people for doubting my story from time to time.  It's fucking unbelievable.  If I hadn't lived it, I'd think it was some poorly written, edited, and wildly unorganized novel.  I'm a freak of nature.  No therapist will ever know what to do with me and everyone reading this knows it's true.  What do you do for someone like me?  Am I too screwed up to help?  Am I hopelessly damaged?  I think I might be.  

I also lost the creature I loved most in the world this year, my best friend since I was 17.  The only one I had when there was nothing and no one in my life.  The only source of love and affection I had for a long time.  The longest relationship of my whole life.  How sad is it that a cat is the longest relationship I've ever had?  I know it's been almost 4 months since she died, but I still miss her.  There is still an endless hole in my world.  There is this painful hunger that I can't satisfy.  God, I know it's pathetic, but I miss my cat more than anything.  She was the only successful relationship I have ever really had long term.  She didn't care that I'm totally socially stunted.  She didn't care that I'm a weird, overly emotional freak.  All she cared about were cuddles, love, catnip, and Fancy Feast.

I seem to bond with animals immediately.  I don't have any of the weird freak outs over animals.  They don't ever have any weird motives for loving me back.  They just think I'm fabulous.  Nothing else and they are not afraid to let me know it.  Most people I know are not so...  What's the word?  I don't know.  All my human relationships are dysfunctional.  I either fuck things up somehow just by being me, or the people have more motives to be in my life other than just thinking I'm awesome.  I am afraid to tell many people in real life much of my history because then I seem to attract people who want to "save" or "help" me.  They want to feel good about what they are doing for me.  They want other people to validate how amazing they are for helping someone like me.  They take on this role of being my savior when that's never what I want or expect.  Maybe I create this dynamic somehow.  I don't know.  Sometimes These types of relationships seem to be on fast forward.  People want to be with me all the time in the beginning.  They spend a lot of energy trying be the person that makes a difference in my life that they eventually burn out and the time we spend together abruptly stops or slows.  I go from seeing them many times a week, to once in a while.  People get tired of me really quickly and I can feel it when it starts to happen.  They pull away and I'm always left wondering why.  What did I do?  Why don't they want to be around me anymore?  How did I fuck up this time?  Maybe they just realized that they didn't really like me much after all and being the "someone who makes a difference in my life" is way too exhausting.  I think maybe I burn people out, without even knowing how or why.  People confuse the hell out of me.  People scare me.  People hurt me.  I can feel them pull away and I freak out, so basically all of my relationships that are more than acquaintances hurt.  A lot.  I don't have many people in real life that I turn to when I "need someone to be there" because of this.  Needing people means losing people.  My cat never wanted to save me.  She never wanted to feel good about herself for making a difference in my life.  She just loved me, just because I'm me.  Because I loved her.  Why can't I find that or maintain that with people?  Maybe I wouldn't feel so alone or like such a freak because I would know that someone loves me anyway with no other motivations except that they really like me for who I am.  Nothing else.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

My reaction to "Deal Breakers"

My response to THIS ENTRY ended up being WAAAAAAY too long, so not wanting to clog up her blog with my ranting, I posted it on my blog instead.  

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Ready for some calm in my life

Work had definitely helped me feel better about myself.  Not working for most of last year was really hard for me.  It's so nice to have something to do, a routine, goals, to feel like I accomplished something that day.  I like working and I like being busy.  I also (mostly) like my job.  Sadly, I'm going to have to figure something out by the end of June, because I am going to be laid off again, and this time I'm not so sure what will happen with unemployment.  I've been sending my resume out like crazy, but so far I haven't had any bites.  It sucks that I want to work so badly, yet I can't seem to find a job.  I'm either way under-qualified or overqualified.

I'm not allowed to talk about specifics of the photos case anymore, but there has been an arrest, there will be a trial, and I might be required to testify.  I do not have a choice in this case anymore.  It's a federal crime, so it's not even really about me anymore.  I'm having a really hard time with all of it, but I've mostly been keeping it to myself.  I feel pretty isolated and alone.  I don't really feel like I have anyone that understands, not even my therapists.  They are supportive and everything, but I still struggle with this intense loneliness.  I want someone to drive with me to someplace far away and beautiful.  To scream with me at the top of our lungs, releasing this scalding spring of pain and confusion into the night.  Allowing the pent up intensity to leave our bodies and spread across the sky.  I want someone to scream with me, to cry with me, to hold my hand, to just sit with me...and quietly understand.

The few people I've shared this experience with (in real life) all have this clear understanding and feelings about the whole thing.  But it's not so clear for me.  What I know I should feel and what I actually feel are often at odds with each other.  I am totally overloaded with shame and absolutely panicked with guilt about the amount of time this person is facing.  It's way too much.  It's not fair at all.  A few moments of pain for me should not take away someone's entire life.  I don't want that.  I care about this person.  I don't want to take away his whole life.  I don't want his family and children to suffer because of me.  It's really unfair.  All of it.

Mother's day is not an easy day for a lot of people.  It's supposed to be this wonderful day of celebration, but it is a very painful day for a lot of people, and not just foster children.  I'm pretty thankful that I did NOT receive any sort of email or contact from any of my "mothers" that day.  Is it weird that I am happy about it and a little bit sad?  I mean, I'm mostly happy, but there is a deep sadness about it too.  It's a bit twisted that I feel forgotten because no one reached out to hurt my feelings on a holiday.  My head is so full of stuff I really don't understand. 

I've been feeling kind of weepy lately.  I've been creating sad little music videos in my head to nearly every song I hear.  And they always make me sad.  I got a hot tea a couple days ago that was overstepped and bitter and I felt like crying about it.  I mean, really?  The other night I broke down in an absolute sob over my kitty.  I urgently searched for relief, but had a hard time finding any. A sleeping med and absolute exhaustion eventually won the battle and I passed out.  I still really miss my kitty, but I'm not entirely sure where the overwhelming swell of tears are coming from.  Maybe these random bursts of despair are part of who I am.  Whatever the reasons, I wish it would stop.  I'm ready for some calm in my life.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Seeing past the labels stamped on foster kids

It's easy to label and dismiss a foster child.  It's easy to judge the children for those labels and behaviors, although I know most people would never admit to doing that.  Here are some of the labels I was laden with as a child:

Friday, May 4, 2012

I wish I was a dog

I think I was meant to be a dog because I don't understand people at all.  People cause all kinds of pain.  Dogs cause all kinds of happiness and are so easy to understand.  I wish I was a dog, then maybe I wouldn't be so lonely all the time.
-----Dear Foster mom who almost adopted me twice,
I'm kind of sad you're not in my life anymore.
------Oh Sweetheart, Don't take it personal- I don't keep in contact with many of my former friends.  Would you like to schedule a phone call?
How do I go from family to former friend?  She forgot who I was.  She forgot that I am family.

I wish I was a dog.  Dogs give and receive love unconditionally.   Dogs never become "former friends."

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Medication, Control, Help. (and middle of the night ramblings)

Me:  I don't want to take  my medication anymore.

CT:  Why not.

Me:  Because I don't think it does anything for me.

CT:  Sometimes people don't know if the medication is doing something for them until they go of off it, but I've noticed a shift.

Me:  What?

She doesn't really answer.

CT:  Why do you think you are on the medication?

Me:  Because they say I need it.  Because I'm crazy.

CT:  So you're taking it for other people?

Me:  No, I'm taking it because they say it will help me, but it hasn't helped me.
 Me:  I give everyone so much control over me.  I just give it away.

CT:  What kind of control would you like to have?

Me:  I don't know.  Control over my body, my mind, my feelings, I guess.

CT:  But we don't always have control over those things, any of us.

Me:  I guess.
 Me:  Tim's dead and he still.... maybe control isn't the right word.  He still has a lot of influence over me.

CT:  Uh huh.  He's had a great deal of influence in your life.
Me:  Do you want to read the letter that my foster mom wrote to me?

She reads it on my phone.

Ct:  Are you reading that letter a lot?

Me:  Why?

CT:  Because it's very hurtful and I can see you reading it a lot.

Me:  Yeah. 

CT:  You shouldn't read that letter anymore.  It's not good for you.

Me:  But she's supposed to be my mom.

CT:  I know.  But she is only hurting you now.
ME:  They said they found "roughly X" photos on Tim's computer.  He can't tell me for sure but he thinks it's of just one girl (me).

CT:  Whoa.  That's a lot.  makes you think about how it was even possible to take that many.

ME:  I was nervous he was going to say a big number like one hundred, but he said X!  What is wrong with me?  I don't remember photos at all.  I'm trying and trying to put those photos somewhere in my memory but they just don't fit.  How is it possible for me to not remember X photos?  What else don't I remember?  How was it possible for him to have X photos of me and have no one notice?

CT:  Blah blah blah (Some stuff I don't remember).

ME:  I have been hearing Tim in my head a lot.

CT:  Uh huh...

Me:  I hear him breathing heavily in my ear.  Sometimes I can feel him pull my hair back and whisper in my ear like he used to do.  I can't handle it.  I feel so crazy.
Me:  I have been knocking myself out a lot with sleeping pills and alcohol.

CT:  I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that information.  Because you know I care about you.

Me:  I don't know what you're supposed to do with it either.  I just don't know what else to do.  I'm not trying to kill myself.  I just want it to stop.

CT:  We have to stop but I want you to sit and take a few breaths, can you do that.

I get up to leave.

CT:  Not yet.  Lets see if we can get your breathing a little calmer first.

I sit down and try to reach whatever level of oxygenation I think my therapist will approve of before I get up.

Ct:  Don't forget your phone.

I turn back and pick up my cell phone and leave, get to my car, lay my head calmly on the steering wheel a while before I start the engine and drive home, take some cold medicine (this time I actually have a cold) and write this blog entry. 

Are there any therapists/professionals out there that know how to help me?


Middle of the night sadness update:

It's 2:02 AM, and I'm scouring the internet looking for photos of little C and sobbing.  Please dear readers, no matter what you may personally believe, please don't call him my son.  He's not.  He is their son and I don't ever want to change that.  He is so meant to be theirs and them his.  He's the happiest kid I've ever known.  I don't want to be more than his aunt and egg donor.  I just want to be his family.  To know him.  Love him.  Hear him laugh.  Hear him speak.  See him grow.

I keep going over and over the emails between K and me, trying to figure out exactly what I can say to open the door again, but the truth is, I don't fully understand why the door is so firmly locked and boarded up.  Am I that bad of a person?  (not looking for positive validation here or blaming).  I keep reading the words written to me in the goodbye emails and the words written to me just a week before and they are so contrasting.  I'm so lost.  I honestly and truly am.  I'm not looking for sympathy or for anyone to rally up against them with me.  I'm just so fucking heartbroken.  I don't understand why I didn't deserve a therapy session, or a phone call, or a face to face meeting to work any of this out.  Everything was done over email, which allowed for all kinds of misinterpretation, misunderstanding and projection of feelings.

What is it about me that is so fucking easy to toss away?  No, really?  WHAT?  How can I create a baby with someone and still be scum, unworthy of any kind of reconciliation?  I'm a fucking lunatic.  I know this, but God, people have told me I have a caring heart.  I like to take care of people, to make them happy, to give them things, my eggs being a pretty big example.  But take the whole egg thing out of it.  There was still a very important relationship there, at least for me.  There is such vast hole in my entire being that can't seem to be filled or covered or at least duck taped so that I can breathe properly.  I honestly think it might have been less painful losing every other family from my childhood because I actually let myself believe this one could be for real.  I honestly let myself feel safe.  I mean, we made a baby together, you can't get anymore connected than that, right?  How so very fucking wrong I was.  Unconditional love and connection, the kind worth toughing out the hard times and working things out is only for family, and that I will never be.
Why do people keeping calling me family when they really don't mean it?  I mean, I know they think they mean it, but the first time that word has to mean anything, the first time there is any work or pain involved in the relationships, suddenly they want to take back that word.  I mean, my friend literally said she's wanted to take back the word because she can't be my family.  Those were pretty much her words, without giving a direct quote.

So many people dislike me, or at least grow to dislike me.  I am a fucking whiny bitch on this blog because I'm open and honest about the fucking whiny pathetic loser I am on the inside, but to most people in the real world, they have no clue that this is who I really am.  Even those who aren't in the know of what a pathetic person I am, still grow to dislike me for whatever reason.  I'm so lost as to why or how to fix it.  I mean I originally created this blog as a foster care blog, but I was angrily accused of being a copycat, so I kind of steered away from that to avoid hostility.  I read other blogs by people who have experienced similar things to me and have behaved in similar fashions (suicide attempts, etc...) yet I often seem to invite or incite quite a bit of anger in people.  They see something in me that reminds them of someone else they once had to put up with.  There are frequent readers who actively hate/dislike me and aren't afraid to tell me so.  That's fine, but no one tells me WHY so that I can fix it.  I guess it doesn't really matter much anymore because I'm too old to ever have a family or any real hope of forming normal relationships.  Even few close relationships I have end up being burnt out.  People are very interested at first, but slowly they become less and less interested, or maybe just more and more exhausted.  Both?  I'm pretty damaged.  Some foster kids make it and thrive.  I appeared to be one of those "success stories" at first, but I suddenly crashed and burned and can barely function now.  I don't know what happened.  It was like someone smashed and removed all the fuses in my circuit breaker and now I'm left in the dark without any light, power, or energy to find my way out.  I've been crying out for help, but no one knows how to fix what's broken.  

I'm been awake for hours, crying so hard my abdominal muscles ache because I still yearn for a family so badly.  I don't even know exactly which family I am crying for right now.  I'm mostly crying for little C and K and D and L, but I'm still crying for the MANY other families I failed and lost.