Monday, April 23, 2012

Really sad day at school

I am currently sitting in my car around the corner from the school I was supposed to observe today.  I have not slept but I am feeling awake.  I'm having a difficult time calming myself down right now.  I'm sure it doesn't help that I stupidly mixed adderall (an amphetamine) and coffee.

I got to the school early this morning and went in to introduce myself.  This is when I discovered that there were volunteers in all four classrooms and all the teachers were in the office crying about another teacher who had been raped over the weekend.  I felt so bad for them.  I had to fight back the tears.  Tears for their pain, tears for the teacher, and tears for how much these women obviously care about her.
I rescheduled the review because it wouldn't be a fair evaluation. 

The director was in a lot of distress, because the teacher is her cousin and best friend.  She broke down crying and I sat with her for a while and then I made up a reason to leave.  I feel horrible about it.  She was obviously in need of a friend, but after half an hour of sitting with a sobbing woman and hearing graphic details about a rape, I was losing control and knew a panic attack was coming.  I gave the woman a hug, looked up the number to the rape crisis center on my phone and gave her the information, and practically ran to my car where I drove around the corner.  And here I sit, writing this blog entry in the hopes of calming my racing heart and steadying my shaky hands.  I'm so angry with myself.  This isn't about me.  This has nothing to do with my history.  Why am I making it about me?  I'm so self involved. 

I wish I could be a stronger person.  A better person.  I feel really selfish right now.  Why am I so ruled by my emotions to the point where I can't function or help other people?  Why can't I stop thinking about my stuff and focus on the pain someone else is feeling for once?  I'm pretty frustrated, angry, disgusted with myself right now.  I hate that I feel and do things like this.