Sunday, April 8, 2012


Today was a really strange day.  I went to breakfast with some friends, but one of them is a friend that kind of depresses me, although it was nice to see her actually worry about eating right to manage her diabetes.  I was so exhausted and could only think about when I could go home and be alone.  I feel like such an asshole saying that.  I should be thankful that anyone wants to be around me.  It's not like a have a ton of friends.  I am thankful for anyone who wants me around.  After hanging out with friends I went home and slothed around doing nothing.  I've been really tired lately because I haven't been able to sleep.  What else is new, right?

My nightmares are pretty bad right now.  The nightmares, lack of sleep, and my gf's carelessness have me in an obnoxious sullen funk.  My girlfriend has a good heart.  She's a sweet person.  She just does some thoughtless things.  The kind of things that I feel like someone shouldn't have to tell people not to do to them, but it's never intentional which just messes with my already defunct emotional intelligence.  Today she took my keys AND her keys with her to play softball all day, 30 miles away.  My keys are connected to a carabiner, my key chain from my college, and a cute little dog keychain.  I tore the entire apartment apart looking for my keys.  I couldn't drive anywhere or walk my dogs anywhere because she had my keys and their leashes were locked in the car.  Sucks.  When it all comes down to it, it's not that big of a deal.  It's just an example of her overall thoughtlessness.

I kind of bare all on this blog, but outside of this little space, I am a pretty private person.  My gf is not, at least not with any of my information.  She has never been able to keep anything private.  She has told people at the dog park my credit score.  She has told strangers that I grew up in foster care, that I went to the hospital, that I tried to kill myself, that I have PTSD, that I donated my eggs, etc...  In the course of our six year relationship she has broken everything I cared about before I met her.  A glitter lamp that my CASA, Eileen, gave me when I was afraid of the dark survived years of foster care and countless moves, but only survived six months of my relationship.  The lamp belonged to Eileen as a little girl.  My GF accidentally broke it and hid the body for me to find.  She kind of breaks everything.  I don't get it.  I guess "stuff" means more to me because I am really careful with things I own.  I value and take care of my stuff.  She trashes and abuses stuff.  She has smashed, cracked, shattered, broken so many things that I've come to keeping some of my most precious (although monetarily worthless) possessions in plastic trunks outside.  I'm not really meaning to bitch and moan about her.  I love her and I'm lucky that anyone wants me around.  I really am.  I feel like a huge asshole for feeling this way at all.  I'm seriously lucky that someone wants the shit I have to offer.  She's a good person.  She loves me.  She never means to do these things, they just happen.  I'm just in a funk, I guess.

I did not sleep for two nights so I took a nap earlier this afternoon.  My girlfriend decided to do some laundry and she wanted to make sure she got everything in the house clean.  I was sleeping pretty soundly when she tried to take off my pajama pants to wash them.  Seriously!  Who does that?  Do I really have to tell someone not to de-pants me while I'm sleeping?  WTF??  I was pretty out of it when I felt my pants being removed.  I immediately began to panic and pull my pants back up. I woke up crying and panicking.  Then I had a major panic attack.  I've been running to the bathroom to panic and cry occasionally ever since.  Is that REALLY all it takes to freak me out?  I hate being so fucked up.  So fragile.  So wimpy.  So ridiculous.  I hate being so screwed up.  I'm starting to worry that the only way I'm ever going to have a normal life is to become a hermit on an isolated island...and even THAT would be "triggering" for me.  I hate living in my brain.