Monday, April 2, 2012

obsessively disturbed

I've been laying in bed trying to sleep since 11pm.  It is now almost 3AM.  The reason I cannot sleep is because I have been ruminating and obsessing about something all day.  I've been consumed with it.  I'm consumed and disturbed.  I'm so worried and disgusted with myself

A friend helped me remove horrible photos from my computer a while ago and she's been keeping them on a flash drive because I thought I needed to keep them in case LAPD wasn't able to find them on my harddrive.  My friend handed me the flashdrive today (er...I guess it was yesterday) so we could destroy it by running over it with her car.  I didn't want to at the moment because I was worried it would be difficult for me and I wanted to be able to hold it together while we went to a craft store.

A rush of warmth filled my face, and there was a soft ringing in my ears the minute I saw that thing.  I wasn't able to think of anything else, once that plastic touched my skin.  I rolled it around, mesmerized by this very ordinary, everyday object in my hands.  It was so small, but it made me feel even smaller.  Such a tiny piece of plastic held so much power over me.  I imagined myself swinging a hammer as hard as I could, smashing it over and over, debris flying everywhere, even hitting me in the face.  I imagined myself running away with it and hiding, protecting it from anyone and everyone, running my finger over it and chanting something ridiculous like, "My precious" like Smeagol from Lord of the Rings.  Hiding in a very dark place somewhere cradling it.  I imagined myself sitting in the dark, my face illuminated by the bright glow of my computer screen, staring at the contents of that flashdrive.  What does that mean?  What does that say about me?

That little flashdrive keeps popping in my head no matter how hard I try to keep it away.  I've pushed it away as hard as I can, only slightly managing to put it behind the current moment.  I'm really upset that I have this intense desire and urge to look at the photos.  Thoughts of how I could sneak into my friends house to get the flashdrive have popped into my head.  WTF?  First of all, it's sick that I'm even thinking about the photos, it's seriously horribly scary that I'm so obsessed that I can't stop thinking about them and even thought about breaking and entering my friends house to get them.  I would NEVER do something like that.  I don't want to see the photos again.  Never ever ever again.  NEVER again.  I really don't.  So why am I filled with this powerful urge to look at them?  Why can't I stop thinking about them?

I am laying on my couch because I've been having this intense anxiety about sleeping in my bed on and off for a few months.  Well, it has come back.  My bed is scary again.  Why?  Is it because it is elevated in a low loft?  Is it because the room is so small?  Why would my comfortable bed, filled with snoring dogs and girlfriend fill me with so much anxiety?  I'm under my cozy down blanket, with a cat on my back trying to relax and fall asleep, but I can't because I'm being held captive by a piece of plastic, at a friends house.  There is seriously something wrong with me.  Why am I so freaking crazy?  Why can't I be a normal person?