Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Maybe you're just not right for her...

I just had the fucking worst "couples" therapy session possible.  I haven't slept in a couple of days and I'm so tired.  I took time off of work for this therapy session and arrived 15 minutes early.  The therapist called us back 20 minutes late.  Actually she called my girlfriend back and said she wanted to see her first and then she'd see me.  So I waited more.

She calls me back and I sit in this old sofa that kind of sinks to the floor when you sit on it.  She kept doing this weird sucking thing, where she kind of sucked spit between her teeth repeatedly, like she had food stuck in them or something.  It's was weird.

The first thing out of her mouth is about how it's important to call and cancel if we can't make it and to show up on time.  She never once acknowledges that she was 20 minutes late.  The very first question she asks me is if I'm on any medication and what they are... this is after we sat down with a therapist for an hour giving her detailed info that she logged into the computer system so the therapist could see it before she met us.  She obviously did not take any time to read anything.  Then she asked very vague, hard to answer questions...at least for me anyway.

I answer her questions but I also say, "I'm really not sure how this is relevant."

"What do you think is wrong with your relationship?  How do you think you can fix it?"

"I'm not sure.  Um, therapy?"

"Well, maybe you just shouldn't be together and it took you six years to realize it."

Then she started asking me about my diet, my weight, my acne, my insomnia.  She lectures me on how important sleep is and that I should talk to my doctors about it.  I told her over and over again that I've tried everything and my doctors know about it.

"I see a doctor once a month, don't worry about it."

"Well, I think you should talk to them about it because sleep is very important."

"Okay, thanks."

Then she wants to know how much I weigh, and breaks out her little chart to see how I measure up.  Then she wants to know how long I've struggled with acne and what I've done about it.  Then she wants to know about my physical health.  I mentioned my hormone issues since the egg donation and OMG, she could not shut up about my period, especially since I don't ovulate normally.  She asked about frequency and wanted some pretty gross details about my periods.  She asked me about my periods over and over again.  Was she hoping for a different answer?  Did she just not hear me?  Was she hoping that she'd induce ovulation and menses if she asked about it enough?  Fuck.  She also wanted to hear all about the egg donation process and what the statistics are for problems to happen.  Um...How does that make a difference in my relationship?  She also wanted to talk about why we have so many animals.  She thinks Two dogs and Two cats is way too many, an "unhealthy amount."  My GF told her that I wanted to go to graduate school for social work and she went on and on about programs and advice on what I should do.  I just nodded. 

She kept asking about my medications and what they are all for.  She asked so many times I began to wonder if she either couldn't remember what I had said (and what she wrote down on her little scrap paper) or she thought I was lying about it.

"You're on too much medication."

"Yeah, I know."

"I don't think you need all this medication.  It's clearly not working for you."

"What?  I have my own personal doctors and therapists to worry about this stuff.  I'm here to help my relationship.  I don't know how any of this stuff matters."

"I don't think your medication is working for you.  There is no need to be on so many.  How long have you been on them?"

"I don't see why that is relevant.  I see a doctor once a month for my medication.  It's covered."

"Well, it's not working for you.  You are depressed."

"Seriously, how is this relevant?  I have doctors helping me, you know, the kind who went to medical school, not the social worker kind."  She is an LCSW.

"Well, you are depressed."

"Yeah, I am, but I think you're kind of an asshole."

"I don't appreciate being called an asshole."

"I don't appreciate your judgement."

"I think maybe you don't want to fix your relationship.  Maybe you are just not right for her.  Maybe 
you shouldn't be together."

She said that over and over again.  Every time I couldn't come up with an answer to her questions, she's tell me that I didn't want to fix my relationship.

Wow.  WTF?  I'm so beyond tired of my life right now.  I spent the entire afternoon/night in tears yesterday.  I went to work at 7AM, finished at 2:30PM because I took time off for this therapy.  I have not slept in two nights.  I'm fucking stressed out.  Maybe it's the lack of sleep, but I'm not functioning very well right now.  I sat in my car pretending to check my email on my phone until my girlfriend left.  Once she drove away I kind of lost it.  I started yelling in the car.  "I'm so fucking tired of this life.  Why can't anything be easy for me?  Why can't I figure anything out?  What the fuck is wrong with me?"  There were moments were some of this was near screaming.

I am supposed to go to DBT class tonight, but I'm not up for it.  I'm not going.  I don't have enough energy.  I've had a pretty hard week (last 7 days).  I've ruined relationships, had an old foster mom (one that was going to adopt me when I was 18) pretend like she couldn't remember who I am, I've found out where the photos came from, I've received unprovoked angry emails because of it, and in a few days it will be someone's 3rd birthday, and the second one I've missed.  I got him this really amazing gift that I'm so excited about because I know how much he is going to love it.  I would give anything to see him open it, even on video or something.  I don't even care if he knows it's from me.  I just want to see his eyes light up with excitement when he opens it.  People keep telling me that he'll look for me in 15 years, thinking that somehow that comforts me, but really it breaks me heart even more.  I know there are tons of you who think I deserved what happened, blah blah blah.  Deserved or not deserved.  It is still fucking agony.

I just want life to slow down a little bit for me.  I know that life isn't easy for anyone, and that bad stuff happens to everyone, but fuck, give me some kind of break.  I'm so exhausted and defeated.  I feel so hopeless.  I don't want my relationship to end, but it seems inevitable.  Even this crazy ass therapist thinks so.

When is life going to get easier?  When is life going to be worth living?  When am I going to figure this out?  I mean, really?  I'm so beyond exhausted from trying and failing and hurting.  I'm so tired of fucking up everything good in my life.  I'm tired of driving people away.  I'm tired of tiring people out.  I'm tired of people leaving.  I mean, fuck, I can't even keep internet/blog friends around.  It's much much worse in real life.  I'd take a massive beating over being dumped any day.  How sad is that?  I'd take almost any kind of abuse for people who didn't go away.  Shit, I'd cut off my legs and use them to beat myself up.  

I'm screaming and banging my head with my heads.  What am I supposed to do?  Tell me.  Somebody give me the answers.  My thoughts of dying are so strong right now.  It's been 9 weeks since I last cut myself but I want to so badly.  I need a sedative, a huge glass of wine, some chocolate, some cocaine, and a fucking hug.