Monday, April 23, 2012

Martian girl

Sometimes I feel like some kind of martian/human mutt.  I do not understand this world.  I'm not adept to this world.  I do not understand people.  I have never had a healthy relationship with people.  People are attracted to me at first because of my differences.  The martian side of me is different, interesting, odd.  The human side of me is annoying, frustrating, overwhelming, uninteresting.  Once the novelty of the martian side wears off, and the human side becomes more known, people lose interest.  Eventually that relationship dissolves.  I don't know how to change it, but I can't live with it anymore either. 

I honestly and truly do not understand you people.  I don't know what you want.  I don't know what you don't want.  I just don't know how to be around you, but I also need you.  I need to be around you because otherwise I feel totally empty and alone.  I've felt empty and alone for my entire life and I'm frightened that it's just not fixable. 

I don't know what I keep doing that makes people pull away.  I don't know what to do to change it.  I need to change it because there is no way I'm going to be able to keep on living like this.  I live a very lonely life, and maybe that's part of the problem.  I'm lonely and starving for human connection, but I can't fully connect because I'm not like other people.  I yearn for love, relationships, connection, intimacy more than most people, and I'm even more terrified of it.  I've grown up and lived my life, pretty much alone.  I've never really had any friends.  I mean I have "friends," but not really close friends that I'd confide in.

I yearn family so much that it makes it nearly impossible to make friends.  I have this gaping hole in my soul that sucks everything into it, so I'm never able to build a stable foundation.  I always end up being me and screwing things up and I always end up feeling lost, defeated, defective, unlovable.  What do I need to do?  What can I do?  I feel so broken and unfixable.  I feel so hopeless.  I'm so sad and so tired of this pattern in my life, but I don't know how to break it.  If I weren't starving so much, I'd totally avoid relationships.

What is it about me that drives people away?  I've even done it on this blog and around the internet.  What about me is that off-putting?  I'm not writing this in an "oh poor me" sort of way.  I'm writing in a "please help me" sort of way.  How do become someone that people want?  How do I become someone that people love?  How do I become someone that people don't get tired of, that people don't dump?