Saturday, April 7, 2012

Love, want, need

It's my second night without sleep...again.  I had my ticket in my hand, on the platform, about to board the train to Slumber Town when my dogs dashed outside, barking madly at a opossum.  I had to get out of bed to make them stop.  I've been wide awake since.

This entry is not about who was wrong or right.  It's not about who is bad or good.  It's not about justifying decisions.  I'm just writing about my feelings.  I know this is an emotionally triggering issue for some people.  I'm not trying to play the victim or villainize anyone.  I realize that I am to blame.  This is not posted to hurt feelings or incite anger.

I'm feeling pretty down tonight.  I'm not sure down is the right word.  Down isn't low enough.  I'm feeling below.  Squashed.  Buried in a truck load of rain soaked manure.  It has been over a year since I last saw my friends and their son from my eggs.  It's not wise for me to discuss them on here anymore.  That's not my motivation for this entry.  It's not about what was right, just, or deserved.  Right now it's about feeling devastated, abandoned, rejected, and oh so fucking sad.  I still feel an urgent need to fix things, to find the right words, or the right actions, or the right gifts.  I want the magic word or action that can fix everything.  It has been over a year and that urgency is still here.  When a family dumps me, I usually move on pretty easily, but I can't seem to do that this time.  I really love these people.  I would camp out on their porch if I could.  I love them so much I helped them have a baby, and now I love that little boy.  He will be 3 in a couple of weeks.  I will never hear his little voice say my name and it... it's wrenching everything in, about, and around me.  It's not even really about wanting a family anymore.  It's about wanting them.  I don't know how to mourn and move on.

It all seemed to happen so suddenly and so quickly.  My whole world was in utter chaos and it just kept getting darker and darker until I was in an underwater cave without a light source.  I flailed and dashed around, bumping, pushing, kicking everything in my path.  I did a lot of shitty things.  A lot of fucked up things.  I deserve to be thrown away.  I am destroyed but they are relieved.  That should be the title of my life story on the Lifetime Movie Network.  It's been this away a lot in my life.  People are relieved to get rid of me.

God I wish I had a relationship where people couldn't throw me away so easily.  I want to know what it's like to feel safe and loved, to know that I belong somewhere.  To someone.  To feel wanted.  To know that someone has to put up with my bullshit and love me anyway.  I want to be part of a family.  I want to know what it's like to feel loved, to never know that it's possible for your family to throw you away at any moment.  I know there are so many of you who come from seriously screwed up abusive families.  I'm not trying to dismiss your serious pain and loss.

No matter how hard I've tried to maintain relationships throughout my life, I always fuck up and people run away from me like an unpinned grenade.  Maybe I am a grenade, capable of extreme damage and chaos without notice.  Capable of seriously fucking up lives. 

I don't know how to quiet my intense need to belong, to be wanted, and loved, and needed and KEPT.  I don't know how to make that go away.  This hunger is painfully debilitating.  Why doesn't anyone want me for very long?  I miss K and D, and L and C so damn much.  I miss the family I never had or will never have.  My therapist tells me that I have to mourn the loss of never having a family and move on, but how?  This is not a loss.  I can mourn loss, but this is beyond loss.  You can't lose something you've never had.  This is deprivation, starvation, isolation, malnourishment, torture, prison.  This is the waterboarding of my soul.  You can't mourn your loss of breath, of air, nor can you die.  You're stuck in a space of extreme panic, pain, fear, and chaos, never knowing if the next set of footsteps you hear are going to bring relief or cause more pain.  Imagine your most painful break up or loss in your life...The most painful event.  Now imagine that event is stuck on repeat and plays out over and over and over again, like 42 times since birth.  There is no pause button.  No eject button.  I can't figure out how to turn it off, so sometimes I throw the whole damn TV, breaking and shattering what could have been.  And that just fucks up the picture, quality, stability, and value.  I am so defective, I can't give myself away.  I'm the last free puppy left in the box because I'm covered in parasites, the broken tv left on the curb, in the rain, on garbage day.  No one wants dirty, broken, fucked up garbage.  How do I turn myself into a quality, high value plasma screen? 

I want someone who loves me and wants me and won't go away.  Even when I'm a psychotic asshole.