This entry is not about who was wrong or right. It's not about who is bad or good. It's not about justifying decisions. I'm just writing about my feelings. I know this is an emotionally triggering issue for some people. I'm not trying to play the victim or villainize anyone. I realize that I am to blame. This is not posted to hurt feelings or incite anger.
It all seemed to happen so suddenly and so quickly. My whole world was in utter chaos and it just kept getting darker and darker until I was in an underwater cave without a light source. I flailed and dashed around, bumping, pushing, kicking everything in my path. I did a lot of shitty things. A lot of fucked up things. I deserve to be thrown away. I am destroyed but they are relieved. That should be the title of my life story on the Lifetime Movie Network. It's been this away a lot in my life. People are relieved to get rid of me.
No matter how hard I've tried to maintain relationships throughout my life, I always fuck up and people run away from me like an unpinned grenade. Maybe I am a grenade, capable of extreme damage and chaos without notice. Capable of seriously fucking up lives.
I want someone who loves me and wants me and won't go away. Even when I'm a psychotic asshole.