Tuesday, April 3, 2012


Quotes from my class tonight:

"Everything is as it should be."
"Everything has a cause."
"Everything happens for a reason."
"Not everyone is destroyed by pain.  If you want to get through suffering, you can.  It's a choice."
"The first thing you can do is solve the problem."
"You can make something really negative in your life, a positive."(meaning you can take something horrible that happened to you and make it a negative).
"Some people get up when life knocks them down, and some people just stay down."
Suffering is a choice."

I almost started sobbing in my DBT class tonight.  I left feeling really angry and sad.  What is the cause of my childhood?  Why did I suffer so much?  Is it because I am weak?  Everything is as it should be?  Everything has a cause?  Everything happens for  a reason? Suffering is a choice?  What are the reasons that I was never adopted?  My mind immediately went through a list of what is wrong with me.  It immediately asked, "Why can't people love you.  Why do you keep fucking up?"  I don't know what other causes there can be except for me.  How do I make a positive out of any of it?  How do I turn living in 42 foster homes and being abandoned repeatedly in my childhood into a positive?  What about being sexually abused and violently raped from 9-12?  What about the severe abuse I suffered with my mother and other foster homes?  I got a call from a social worker today responding to my email I wrote my former case worker like a year ago, asking about why Tim was never held responsible.  Basically, she said she can't tell me what happened because there aren't any records.  Basically Arizona says it never happened.

Lawyers and social workers told me that they couldn't prosecute Tim because I was mute, that I had to tell them what happened if I wanted Tim to get into trouble if he did the things I said he did.  I didn't want to get anyone in trouble and I wasn't able to speak.  Why did they need me to speak?  I couldn't speak.  They shouldn't have dropped the case because I went mute, they should have fought harder for me for that very reason.  Why couldn't they use my medical records?  Why couldn't they use my journal?  Why didn't child protective services protect me, like, ever?

Is suffering really my choice?  How do I choose not to suffer?  How do I choose not to have panic attacks?  How do I choose not to have flashbacks?  How do I choose not to have really bad nightmares and insomnia?  Did I choose these things?  If so, how do I choose not to have them?  Not everyone is destroyed by suffering, but not everyone has had to survive what some people are forced to survive.  If everything has a reason, what are the reasons for the things that have happened in my life?  What are the reasons if not me?  The reason has to be me.  There are just way too many repeats in my life for there to be any other real reason.  I am the cause and the reason.  I have to be.  I am the common denominator. 

"Everything is as it should be," makes me feel like I deserved all of it.  Maybe I did.  Maybe I was just born really screwed up.  I want to feel better, behave better, make better choices.  I really do.  I'm trying really hard. I am going to therapy 3 times a week and a DBT class 1 time a week.  I have been reading a lot of books.  I've been trying to use the skills they teach in the classes.  I've been taking vitamins, supplements, going to doctors, trying every medication, and therapy suggested.  I would choose not to suffer if I knew how to.