Thursday, April 26, 2012

Arrest over the Photos

An arrest was made over my photos.  His statement was that he found the photos after going through his fathers laptop after he died and seeing them made him so angry and disgusted that he vomited.  He then became enraged and sent the photos to me.

Then I got this email:

I just helping bailing my son out of jail.  How much more pain are you going to bring my family?  All I ever done to you is love and care for you.  I took you into my home and loved you like my own daughter.  How can you do this to S, A and me?  S has a wife and kids.  Do you now what they are going through right now?  I new you were angry but I never new you wanted to hurt me so bad.  You don't now the things I went through when you left.  I went through hell but i still loved you.  All I ever did was love you like my own and all you ever did was hurt my family.  Do you know what they did to S.  I wish I could go back and not make such a rash decicion in taking you home.  Had I now how much pain taking you home would bring me and my kids, I would never have done it.  II now that sounds harsh but you have hurt us so much since we met you. cant believe what is going on right now.  why are you doing this?  What happened was a long time ago.  You never told something was happening to you.  Why are you so angry at me and S now?  You are an adult now.  why can't you just put this past you?  He is dead.  This is making you a very angry person and all that anger is hurting other people now.  Why are you going after S and A and me now?  They didn't do nothing to you.  i love you so much but you are hurting me and my family to much for me to have you in are lives anymore.  Im so heartbroken that someone I loved so much could hurt me and my kids so bad.    

I am in pieces right now.  I can barely breathe.  Tomorrow is C's 3rd birthday.  I got him this
He is a little boy obsessed with cars/trucks and horses.  I'm so excited for him to have it, but I'm so heartbroken.  I miss him so much.  I think about him every single day.

I'm not doing well right now at all.  I'm feeling really alone and pretty lonely.  My relationship is pretty dead.  We don't fight or anything, it's just kind of flat....nothing there.  I don't have many friends and the ones that I do have are pretty tired of me.  I'm pretty tired of me.  I don't know how to keep doing this.

I feel like such garbage.  It's always been so easy for people to throw me away, and I mean literally, with garbage bags and everything.  Everyone who has ever called herself my "mom" wishes she hadn't ever met me.  I seem to do nothing but ruin lives.  No one has ever wanted me.  I've never belonged anywhere.  I've never had a "home."  I've never felt connected to anyone in life, and the one person I feel that connection with has been taken away from me because his mom doesn't want to be my family anymore.  Why?  I truly don't know why.  I have no value to anyone in life.  I have worked so hard to become valuable to someone in life, but it doesn't matter what I do or how hard I work.  I have no value.  No one wants me. 

I am a lonely piece of trash, violently spinning around and around in a large sucking tornado.  I want off the ride now.  I want to be burred in the landfill or recycled into something new.  Something with value.

I just want to die.