Monday, April 16, 2012

apathetically sad

I've been pretty depressed these last few days and I am not all that sure why.  I know it's kind of an oxymoron, but I'm feeling really apathetically sad.  I want to cry all the time.  I had therapy with Dr. K today and finding something to talk about was like looking for a single flea in field of waist high grass.  I had nothing to say but I wanted to fall apart.  I didn't let myself, but it was a constant battle.  My session basically went like this:

Dr. K asks a generic question.  oh no, I have to speak now.  I can feel the water filling my eyes and the pressure in my throat.  Thank God I bought a super cold bottle of water to break my twenty dollar bill so I could pay for therapy.  I take a sip of really cold water.  The pressure in my throat and face begins to dissipate.  I have control again.

We weren't talking about anything emotionally charged.  We were talking about DBT classes and if I want to continue.  Honestly, I don't know.  I feel like such a failure.  Dr. K seemed shocked that I could remember all the skills listed in the last module.  I feel like she thinks that I don't take it seriously, that I don't want to learn anything new, or something.  That's just not true.  I have a hard time with DBT, but I'm trying.  I want it to work for me because I want to find a way to "have a life worth living."  It's not working for me.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong.  I don't know why I can't figure it out.  Everyone else seems to be benefiting from the program.  I'm the only one who can't seem to figure it out.  I feel like if DBT doesn't help me then there is no more hope for me.

Things aren't so great with CT either.  I walked out of session early last week.  She keeps pushing me, and sometimes not gently, to "not go down that road" every time I say something slightly negative about myself.  It's becoming really upsetting.  I feel like I can't speak because apparently everything I have to say means something negative about me.  I asked her what do I do that makes so many people dislike me.  So many people want to hurt me?  What is it about me that is so easy to hate?  She cut me off.  Instead of feeling like she's trying to keep me off the path of self hatred, it feels like she just doesn't want to hear what I have to say.  I feel like I tire EVERYONE out eventually, including therapists.  I'm not good at relationships.  If my relationship skills were like brownies, I either have soupy chocolate in the pan or brownies so hard they can be used as weapons, or charcoal in a BBQ.  I never have the perfect warm gooey chocolate morsel I crave so much.  I can't ever figure out the right temperature.  I'm a faulty oven, one that should probably be thrown out and replaced with a brilliant, shiny, new stainless steal masterpiece.  Right now I'm feeling really discouraged in life and therapy.  I'm feeling the need to self destruct, but I can't because I'll lose my job.

I've been looking for a second job, or at least a job that won't lay me off every summer like my current job has been doing.  I don't know why or when my job of 6 years is now laying everyone off in the summers.  The program is dying.  I have a few that I really want, but I'm pretty sure I won't get because I don't speak spanish.  It's so disheartening.  I'm qualified for so many great jobs, but I can't get them because I don't speak Spanish.  I need to find a good job or second job because I'm pretty sure my relationship isn't going to last much longer and I need to figure out a way to live in LA with two large dogs, and at least 1 cat by myself.  That's kind of impossible.  If I work two or three jobs I could do it, but then I would have to find a place with a yard because I won't be home enough to take care of my dogs.  I guess I could always leave LA, but that means I have to leave the couple of friends I have and my therapists.

Now I really want brownies.  Brownies and wine.  Sounds like a good lunch/dinner to me!  Where's the nutella?