Saturday, March 24, 2012

why would someone do this to a foster kid?

Someone decided to twist up my emotions for a week.  Offering me adoption, taking it away.  Offering me adoption again, taking it away.  Offering me friendship and "let's start over," then taking it away when I can't do something fast enough.  "I will love you unconditionally if you delete blog entries."  "I will love you unconditionally only if you do X."  Not quotes, but that's basically the gist of our interactions. I was actually going to do it too, but before I got a chance, she threatened to dump me again, only an hour after the request. Last night I got a bunch of text messages and emails like this.  When I didn't answer fast enough or do what she wanted fast enough, I was dumped, or threatened to be dumped.  When I asked her to stop contacting me because the back and forth was too painful, I get a hurtful email dumping me again.  I just do not understand why someone would or could do this, especially someone "who fell in love with me and loves me fiercely and unconditionally."  If someone has read my whole blog, how could they do this to a former foster child, obviously starving for love and family?

I made a video apologizing for talking about the adoption offer because I did not realize talking about it would be this hurtful.  I thought maybe if someone could see me talk about it, there would be less room for misinterpretation.  Not once once in my blog entries did I talk about someone specifically, except for my video and now this blog entry.  Those blog entries were about my feelings and my feelings only.  Offering a former foster child adoption is like offering a starving, emaciated, desperate child a sandwich with poison in it.  I've apologized to this reader over and over again, but never once did I get one back.  My apologies were not enough and I wasn't able to do anything fast enough to make someone happy.   

Why am I so easy for people to dump?  Why is it so easy for people to offer me love and family without conditions and then take it away?  How come my unconditional love always comes with really strict conditions?  I'm not trying to be melodramatic here, I really don't understand why this has happened to me since birth.  What is wrong with me?  What do I keep doing to fuck things up?  What about me makes people hate me so much?  What is it about me that makes people offer me love and family and take it away over and over and over again?  I know this was just someone on the internet and I should be able to shrug it off, but I can't.  It takes a jigsaw to my raw, open, infected, bleeding heart and cuts a little more out of it.  Even my real emotions and reactions about it piss other readers off and they leave a comment with words meant only to hurt me and call me names and dump me.  Why not just leave and not tell me?

Why do people want to make me feel bad?  My whole life has been this way.  There is something about me that enrages people.  My mother could not stand me since birth.  I never meant to make her angry, but I would always do something that made her lose it and beat me, then lock me in closets.  My stepfather hated me and used to call me names all the time.  He never molested me, but he made me do things to him.  My foster father hated me so much that he beat the crap out of me and violently raped me.  Countless other people in my life have promised me love and family forever, only to take it away within months.  I love people with everything I have.  Maybe it's not love.  Maybe I don't know how to love people.  I don't know.  All I know is that I have this drive in me to take care of people, to make them happy, to make them feel loved.  I give people everything I have.  My heart, my soul, my money, my body, my truly unconditional love.  It is never enough.  I don't have enough to make up for the shitty, pathetic, loser that I am. 

What is wrong with me?  No, really.  What is it about me, or what do I do that makes people hate and dislike me so much?  I truly don't understand.  I really don't.  I already hate myself more than anyone could possibly fathom.  There is no one on earth I dislike more than me.  I hate whatever it is that makes people love me.  I hate whatever it is that makes people dump me.  People keep telling me that I am lovable, but the world keeps telling me that I am not.  Life hurts so much. Too much.   It really does.  I'm weak and pathetic and sad and fucked up.  I wish I had a better word or words to describe what is wrong with me than "fucked up" but I have no idea what is wrong with me.

All I have ever wanted is love and family.  That's all.  I just want someone to love me and not go away.  Why don't I deserve that?  Why can't I have that?