Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Random tears. Random places. No reasons.

I've been sobbing most of the day, with a couple hours break, then back to sobbing for no reason, and I really mean sobbing.  The vocal kind of uncontrollable sobbing with the hiccup like breathing and everything.  It comes out of nowhere, for absolutely no reason.  I fucking hate it. 

The more I reflect on myself and my life, the more I hate about it.  I hate my sense of humor.  I hate what an asshole I am.  I hate how anxious and self conscious I am.  I hate that I am dyslexic and have almost no grammar skills.  I am closing in on my 3rd decade and I've done nothing with my life.  I hate how needy I am.  I hate how fucking screwed up I am.  I hate my emotions.  I hate how they can jump from calm to sobbing for absolutely no reason.  I hate my nightmares.  I hate my panic attacks.  I hate my C-PTSD.  I hate how weak I am.  I hate my flashbacks.  I hate how much I complain.  I hate that I am complaining about complaining.  I hate how negative I am (I know, I'm being negative about being negative).  I hate how much I attach to people.  I hate how much I don't attach to people.  I hate that there is no happy medium.  I hate that I have no social skills or the ability to be in relationships.  I hate how I ruin everything and every relationship.  I can't keep any relationships.  I've ruined a six year relationship by being really fucking crazy for the last year and a half.  I hate that I have no control over myself or my emotions and sometimes my behavior.

Today has been two weeks without cutting but I'm sitting with a razor blade in my hand right now.  I just want the tears to go away.  I've been sobbing on and off now for two days, and I have no idea why.  I hate crying all the time.  I hate being so fucked up.  I hate that my life is going nowhere.  I hate that my relationship is beyond saving.  I hate that I have almost no one in life.  I hate that I can't break up with my girlfriend because I love her, don't want to lose her, and don't want to be totally alone.  I will have no one if we break up.  NO ONE.  The only reason I am not dead or homeless right now is because of my girlfriend.  What if I totally lose it when I'm living by myself?  What then?  I hate that there is no way for me to live by myself in LA.  I hate that I spent all my savings that was supposed to be for graduate school and now I won't be able to pay if I get into the Masters of Social Work program so I can work on becoming an LCSW.  I hate how I pretty much have no goals or ambition in life.  I used to be full of ambition and motivation to make something of myself.  I don't even have motivation to get out of bed these days.  I've never liked me.  There isn't much to like.  I've never been able to be a normal, decent, sane person and I pretty sure I never will.

I hate my life.  Where I've been.  Where I'm going.  How I have no goals.  How my life isn't going anywhere.  I'm stuck in a circle of occasionally feeling okay then falling apart for a long time.  That's not even a circle.  It's more like a slanted horizontal line.  I'm either at one point or the other, never moving up, always sliding down.

I hate how weak I am.  A stupid fucking questionnaire about my abuse and photographs has destroyed any sort of progress I've tried to make.  Stupid questions like "How many times did it happen?"  Have me bawling.  Stupid questions like "Who were your parents or legal guardians at the time of the abuse?"  Induces instant tears.  The answer is the State of Arizona.  That's not a surprise to me, so why does it bother me so much?  Hell, even the date of birth question brings on the tears.  I don't know how old I really am.  How screwed up is that?  I don't know which birth certificate is the real one and my mom can't tell me for sure.  How fucked up is THAT???  Even my mother doesn't know when I was born.  She'd rather forget.  She wishes I wasn't born.  So do I.  I am a fucking waste of resources and space.  I am a piece of shit.  Even worse.  I am a rat and roach infested sewer line.  I am toxic smog.  I contribute nothing in this world, I just infect it with more fucked up, negativity, insanity, and I will probably only spew up more garbage for the world as I get older.  I hate myself.

I know it gets hard to be compassionate for someone who doesn't seem to ever change or improve and writes about the same shit everyday, but I really wish that I didn't exist.  I shouldn't exist.  I don't deserve to exist.  I deserve to be dead.  I should be dead.  I wish all of it would just disappear.  I wish I would disappear.  I am nothing so I wish for nothingness...like I never existed.  I wish I didn't exist.