Sunday, March 11, 2012


I ignored an email in my inbox since Wednesday.  I even moved it to it's own little folder so that I wouldn't see it when I checked my email.  I was finally starting to feel okay.  Strong.  A little less like I was the main ingredient in a giant pot of rancid human stew.  I didn't want to ruin that.  I didn't want to take the stability away.  Today makes 12 days without cutting.  I am not sure that is going to last.  I've been really distant and avoidant today.  My GF has been so needy and weird for a while, but it seems really intense today.  She wants to cuddle and be close all the time, like touching me or in my personal space all the time.  It feels like she's wanting something from me, and gets upset when I don't get it, but will never tell me what she wants.  Things are weird for us as it is, but she just doesn't get it.  She doesn't get me, or my crazy.  I feel like she's just waiting for me to get over it and return to normal.  I don't know how to do that.

I opened the email from LAPD containing a written interview.  The officer apologized for the basic nature of some of the questions and says that they will still need me to come in for a verbal interview in the future.  I skimmed through most of the questions.  A lot of them are really pretty basic, like my name, age, etc...  Some of them seem really unnecessary.  For some reason, one question has seriously upset me.
 "Did the offender take anything away from you?"
That question seems really weird and out of place to me, but that's not the reason it bothers me.  I really don't know why I'm so upset about it or the rest of the interview.  I have been plagued with really graphic, disturbing dreams and weird phantom physical pain.  I just want to hide and pretend none of it exists.  It's irrational and stupid that I've been hiding in my bed, thinking about dying and hurting myself all day over a stupid email interview.  What does it say about me that I can't even handle something as simple as this?  Pathetic.