Friday, March 16, 2012

PTSD explosion

I'm pretty depressed today, like uber depressed.  I was in so much physical pain yesterday and it's started already today.  Extreme pain that I am pretty sure is all in my head.  Nothing helped.  Not painkillers.  Not heat.  Not ice.  Nothing.  I was ready to go to the doctor a few times, but what would I say?  I'm having really painful body memories but nothing is really wrong with me?

I'm hurting pretty badly right now, in every way.  I'm all mixed up with all these confusing, irrational, and out of place feelings.  I'm scared all the time, for NO reason at all.  I'm just scared.  Going out in public isn't easy either.  I'm terrified of breaking apart in front of other people.  An elevated deep male voice sends a wave of panic through my whole body.  My heart jumps for a few moments before I realize that I'm not 9, 10, 11, or 12.

I keep having these really screwed up dreams.  The only way I've been able to sleep is by drugging myself until I pass out.  I'm too worked up to sleep, both because of the crazy things I'm experiencing and because I'm too anxious about my dreams and feel vulnerable being a sleep.  I keep having dreams where I am Tim, but I am me at the same time.  I keep dreaming that tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  I keep having these seriously screwed up dreams about Tim, but in my dream the whole family is involved.  I've also had a few dreams that were "good" dreams until I woke up and had to vomit because I was so grossed out by them.  

I feel like I'm totally losing my mind.  My senses are a raging fire all the time.  I'm hearing things, smelling things, feeling physical pain.  I'm having a lot of trouble with impulse control and keeping it together.  Forget it if something in my current life upsets me.  I feel kind of trapped and seriously alone.  I tried to talk to my girlfriend about it but she just panics and acts like a chicken under attack.  She doesn't understand anything.  I tried being honest with her the other day when she asked me how my day was, but she just said, "I'm sorry baby" and then left to do the dishes.  I have no one to reach out to.  I honestly don't.  I have some friends that live far away that I could call but they wouldn't get it.  They would tell me to go to the hospital.  To be honest, I thought about going pretty seriously last night.  I kept having these really strong and scary impulses.  I can't even say what they are because they seriously disturb me and I know they will make me look seriously insane.  In an attempt to knock myself out so that I would still be alive today, I walked to the grocery store and bought some more nyquil, downed it, and passed out.

I'm feeling really depressed and alone, sad, and scared.  I can't even call it anxiety.  I'm just fucking scared about nothing. And I don't know how to make myself feel better.  I'm supposed to go to Arizona tomorrow morning, but the idea of sitting in a car with someone, even a good friend, for that long terrifies me.  I have no energy for anything right now.  I feel like I weigh 3,000 pounds and just moving my body is hard work.  I'm stuck on a desolate planet, with a super strong gravitation pull, all by myself.