Monday, March 5, 2012

productive confidence and confusing tears

I got about three hours of sleep last night, but woke up feeling pretty good.  No nightmares.  No panic attacks.  I spent the majority of the night drawing.  Tired, awake, but okay.  I woke up this morning, hoped out of bed, gathered up my computer, and left for LAPD to drop it off for the day.  I did not have to stay while they searched my computer, which was such a relief.  I am not sure I could handle sitting in front of people, knowing the kinds of things they were searching for.  When they were done, they left my computer with someone who had nothing to do with my case.  I was grateful for that too.  Officer Good is going to let me answer questions and give a statement through email right now.  He said he may need more from me in the future, but that this okay for now.

I was feeling really good about everything today.  Calm, stable, confident.  I have been really productive today.  I didn't dwell on everything that's happening with the photos at all.  I was totally fine, a little cheerful even.  I zipped around town in my Honda, running errands, going to appointments, enjoying the really nice day.  It was so nice outside today.  Not hot, not cold.  Perfect.  I did some chores, organizing, went to the post office.  I even made plans to cut my hair to donate to Locks of Love.  I haven't cut my hair in quite a while, and it's gotten really long.  The longest layers in my hair nearly touch the small of my back.  That's too long, so it's time to give it away.   The only concern I have is my hair is really thick, unevenly wavy, and I have a cowlick on the right side of my forehead, so it's kind of hard to find someone who knows how to cut my hair correctly, especially with less forgiving shorter styles (shoulder length).  I was productive today and got so much done and was feeling really good about that.
My confidence dropped a little after I picked up my computer.  I had a weird reaction.  I was fine picking up my computer, signing papers, and talking to the nice guy who had my computer.  Didn't really feel much about it at all.  At least not at first, but the tears came out of nowhere on my drive home.  I wasn't really thinking about much,  just kind of spacing out, focusing on driving in LA rush hour traffic, when the tears appeared.  They startled me and totally caught me off guard.  The hot salty drops came out of nowhere and I wasn't really crying about the photos.  I wasn't sure what I was crying for.  I was so confused.  While trying to figure out what the tears were about, I became really sad about random things.  I was sad about my cat, that I haven't seen C in almost a year.  I was sad about my sister's current psychosis and about some of my former foster moms.  I was sad about this stupid commercial I saw on TV last night. Basically, I was sad about anything but the photos.

I still haven't opened my computer.  I'm really scared that the photos are back on it.  It's been a while since I've felt this functional and I am afraid that having the photos on my computer will ruin all of it.  I'm still feeling calm.  Just kind of sad and withdrawn, and confused.