Thursday, March 22, 2012

Love, friendship, and Adoption offers

I have recently received an email from a sweet and well meaning reader offering to adopt me through adult adoption.  I am sure this offer came from a good place and in some ways I am touched by the offer.  It's seductive and alluring and so very very scary.  It also really hurts.  It makes me feel a little pathetic.  It makes me feel like an impulse buy.

When I say I am desperate for family, I mean I am desperate for love and connection, and a mostly unbreakable bond.  I am desperate for relationships that are comfortable and emotionally intimate.  For people who know me and all my quirks and problems and love me anyway.  I am desperate for roots, and support, and guidance, and all that junk.  I want to be lovable and loved.  Unconditionally.

As much as I want these things, I know that it's not possible for me anymore.  Even if by some crazy miracle this happens for me, it won't take away my past or my yearning for family, or the more than quarter century I spent without loving hearts to call mine.  Without a place to call home.  None of these things can be found in strangers on the internet.  

Many of my relationships as a child, as well as an adult, have been with people who want to "rescue" me.  I've talked about this in therapy a lot.  There are irrational and illogical parts of me that do desire to be rescued, but I know that it's not possible, and it's not what I really want.  I've become paranoid about these types of connections in my life, because I always end up broken and devastated.  I believe this is what happened with my last family after the egg donation.  K wanted to save me from my past and pain and I just wanted to be loved and accepted as I am.  These relationships never work.  They are never healthy.  This is why I don't often share my history with people in real life.  I don't want pity.  I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable.  I want real relationships without heroic or altruistic motives.  I don't want people who want to save me.  I want people who love me for me, not for my sad story, or the desire to fix me and take away all of my history or pain.  I want more than the title of family.  I want the meaning of family.

I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings at all.  The sentiment is sweet and I am touched that someone was so moved to offer me such a big thing.  I truly am.  Melody wrote me this email after we talked about these types of offers.  I know it will be upsetting to some people.  I want to share it because it made me feel pretty loved.  I've never had this type of relationship before and while it terrifies me, I'm grateful to have someone like her in my life. 

So... This is what I'd like to say to anyone that sends u such a msg: Campbell is not a geriatric cat in the pound. She is not a basketcase, not your little volunteer project, not your chance to make Jesus smile on you. She is the strongest person I know. She has a life and responsibilities. She has a girlfriend, 2 dogs, 2 cats, good friends, an education, a real job, a car payment, a nice place in a nice neighborhood (which is no small feat in  LA), and plans for the future. She doesn't need your pity. She shares her ups and downs on her blog, to document her life, to have a network of supportive friends, to reach out to other foster kids and parents, and make a difference in this world. And she does make a difference. Campbell has been through hell and deserves what we all deserve in life: love, stability, permanency. And she does have these things in her life. Nothing will ever fill the void from her first 18 years, but she is working on mending her heart, learning how to trust again. Campbell is an awesome person and I love her a lot. I would hope her readers would have as much respect for her as I do. Someone suggested an instant family to fix everything. It's short sighted and obtuse. I'm able to laugh off the ridiculousness of it, I'm on  the outside, but I think it pokes at a really sad place in Campbell's heart, so stop it.

Ok I'm off my soapbox! :) wanna get tea after kids bedtime? I wanna hear about your trip and I have your hat! Button is pending, I'll show u, we gotta go to Michael's and get 2 beads for it. But u can still have the hat part in the meantime. :)