Saturday, March 24, 2012

Love, family, paperwork

I can't get out of bed today.  I can't face the world.  I can't stop crying.  I'm thinking about nyquil and sleeping pills, razors, and putting myself in a medicated coma.  Monday will be 1 year since I attempted suicide and failed.  I wish I hadn't changed my mind at the last minute.  I wish I had just let myself go to sleep forever.  

My girlfriend's mom has been in town this week.  I'm not a huge fan of her mom, but it makes me happy to see her so happy.  It also makes me feel really sad for me.  God, I really want a mom and a family.  I want that more than anything in this world.  I would cut off my legs for a mom.  I would do just about anything.  I want to feel as loved as my girlfriend's mom loves my girlfriend.  I want someone who loves me so much that they think everything I do is brilliant and amazing.

I'm so...is there a word that means more than depressed?  I feel so destroyed right now.  I'm not even really able to fake it for my gf's mom right now.  I've just been hiding in bed, secretly crying.  Crying for my mom, but my mom has never existed.  I've cried for my mom my whole life.  I've literally cried the words "I want my mom," for most of my life, never knowing who I was crying for.  I've grown up alone.  No one "raised me."  No one was excited that I took my first steps.  No one was excited when I learned to ride a bike or when I started school.  No one cared when a boy broke my heart for the first time.  No one cared when I went to college.  No one was ever around long enough to care.  No one kept me.  No one wanted me.  No one was ever proud of me.  No one loved me.  I have never been connected to anyone in my life. It's a hard way to live, feeling so alone and unloved.  It's nearly impossible to survive that as a child, and it's really fucking hard as an adult.  Even though I have a girlfriend and a few friends that say that they love me, I don't really know what that means.  I never learned how to feel loved.  To me love means pain.  It is just something people say to me, but it doesn't really mean very much.  Love isn't something that I can have, at least not for very long.  Love is terrifying.  I feel so empty and sad and alone.  I've felt so empty and alone my entire life.

I still have to work on that LAPD paperwork, but I can't even get out of bed right now.  I got a call from the officer asking me if I could turn it in soon.  I can't face that right now.  My heart hurts too much.  My head hurts too much.