Friday, March 2, 2012

Just kind of "thinking outloud" randomness

I think getting the photos out of my reach was a good decision.  I am feeling a little more sane lately.  Maybe that's partly because I've been sick.  Who knows.  I haven't cut myself since Tuesday, which I know is kind of lame, but that's a long time for me right now.  I have also taken nothing but my prescribed meds, other than anti nausea medication and Advil, in a while.  My cutting has gotten to be really severe so it's been quite a struggle not to give in, especially without drugging myself.  I don't deserve any praise though because I've still been punching myself and the urges are still really strong.

I'm back in my cycle of three days awake, then crashing for 15 hours which means I'm pretty much exhausted all the time.  My doctor gave me 10 Lunesta.  I haven't picked them up from the pharmacy yet because I haven't had them since the night I overdosed.  I took 40 of them plus a ton of other sleeping pills and sedatives that day and I guess part of me is worried about using prescription sleeping meds again.  I really just want to be able to sleep on my own.  I don't want to need medication to sleep.  I feel like I need medication for everything.  I need medication for my hormones.  I need prescription medication for Vitamin deficiencies.  I need medication for anxiety.  I need medication for hives and rashes.  I need medication to stabilize my moods.  I need medication for migraines.  I need sedatives so I can be calm.  I feel like I'm artificial.  When I'm feeling really bad and wanting to die, I use this as evidence that I am not supposed to be alive.  Believe it or not, I wasn't taking any kind of medication three years ago, except for an as needed migraine med.  I don't want to take drugs just to survive.  I asked my psychiatrist on Monday about going off medication eventually because I'm worried about my brain losing it's ability to regulate itself.  She said that my brain has been really traumatized and wounded and needs some help right now, especially while I am in therapy.  She's really compassionate and caring.

I had a panic attack in session with CT yesterday.  I felt really bad about it because it wasted a whole session, but CT seemed really excited about it and forced me to do this mindfulness breathing exercise.  She kept telling me to make noise as I exhale, and exaggerate it.  I laughed at her a few times because she was doing everything she asked me to do.  Actually, she was doing it and asking me to do it and I would awkwardly try it and fail.  I just can't let myself look that ridiculous in front of someone, but I guess having a panic attack doesn't look any better.  Therapy has been hard, but I feel really connected with CT right now.  I don't know what has changed.  I feel closer to her, more comfortable, and less worried that she's going to dump me.  It's nice actually.  She'd say that I am feeling safe.  I always find it a little weird when she talks about emotional "safety," but I suppose that's true.  My therapy sessions are filled with a little less awkward silence.  I used to spend at least 50 percent of my session paralyzed in extremely anxious awkward silence when I first started seeing her.  She pointed out that while I still freeze up and withdrawal, I talk more and "show her more of myself."  That's true.  I do.  I don't think that says anything about progress though.  I think that just shows that I feel safe enough to tell and show her stuff.  I don't know.