Monday, March 12, 2012

frosted with depression

I tease almost everybody playfully.  Make fun of little things, blow straw wrappers at them, etc...  I am almost always joking, teasing.  I think it's funny, but last night I laid on the sofa thinking about why I do that.  I kept thinking about how I am kind of an asshole.  What kind of person socializes by teasing people?  My self-esteem sucks.  It's so hard for me to have self esteem when I dislike almost everything about myself.  I don't know how to change that.  I've tried to change it my entire life, but nothing ever seems to make me feel better about myself.  I used to be a serious overachiever and I didn't feel good about myself even then, so it's incredibly hard right now.  I'm not where I thought I would be by now.  I've been waiting for my job to come back, but they keep pushing it further and further back.  I can't handle being unemployed.  I'm so bored, frustrated and broke.  It gets a bit exhausting trying to fill my time.  I want to go to grad school, but I am not sure that can happen this year.  I spent all of my savings on living expenses this past year.  I've sent my resume to so many jobs, but everything I am qualified for wants someone who is bilingual. 

These are my cupcakes
I'm really tired of myself lately.  Why can't I just pull myself together?  I spent the evening baking cupcakes.  I made peanut butter chocolate cupcakes and decorated them like little bowls of Ramen Noodles.  They came out really cute.  I had fun making them.  Later my girlfriend and I had this weird talk.  She keeps pouting about things, but I never know what it is.  She won't ever tell me what she wants from me, she just pouts, giving me a forlorn stare, a slight pouty frown on her face.  I keep asking her what's wrong and all I get is "nothing."  It's getting really old.  I told her that I can't handle it anymore, that she either needs to tell me what she wants, or cut it out.  She said that she feels like I'm never here lately.  I'm sure that's valid.  I spend a lot of time off in la la land.

After the talk my girlfriend felt better.  She sat on the couch and flipped on the TV and started working on her computer.  I went to my bedroom and I kind of lost it.  I went to bed and sobbed for nearly two hours.  I've mostly stopped crying, but it keeps flaring up randomly and I have to fight the tears away.   I am not even sure what I am crying about.  When am I going to start feeling better?  It's up to me to change how I feel.  I know that, but I just don't know what to do about it.  I am weak and pathetic and so tired of being me.