Friday, March 16, 2012

Feeling a little calmer for now

Thank you for the support guys.  I don't think I say that enough.  It really does matter to me, and it really does make a difference.  I don't have many people who get to see the scary, fucked up parts of me, so having this blog, while painful, embarrassing, and triggering at times, has helped me in a lot of ways.  I've used it with my therapy.  I've used it as a tool for therapy.  There have been many times that I would not have been able to tell my therapists things before I wrote them here.  You guys have helped me a lot.

I've cried all day today.  I cried all day yesterday.  Right now I'm feel calm.  I've had a couple sedatives (the RX kind) and Chamomile tea.  I'm also extremely exhausted.  I wonder how many calories sobbing burns?  My head feels kind of like a balloon floating above my shoulders.  And I'm kind of feeling "nothing" right now, which is good.  Nothing, is okay for right now.  

I've really been acting like a lunatic this week.  I wrote some shitty emails to my closest friends, trying to push them away because it would be easier to kill myself if everyone was mad at me.  I have no idea why I have friends.  Then my feelings got hurt because of something pretty minor and I attacked myself and my friend about it all day.  I used it as evidence that my fears were true and nobody would stick around if they really knew all this stuff I carry around, and then I push people away so they can't dump me.  I know I do this,  CT and I are working pretty extensively on this actually because it's a HUGE issue in my life.  I push people away even though it's not what I want.  I tell them to fuck off (usually in a nicer way) but I really want them to come give me a hug or something.  At least I am aware of this crappy behavior, but I never realize that I'm doing it until it's too late.  I don't know why I do that.  I hate that I do that.  It leaves me feeling embarrassed, stupid, hurt, abandoned, and lonely.

Today, I really wanted to cut myself.  I was sitting in my closet, under a blanket, in the dark sobbing, trying to relax and fight the things I was hearing in my head.  I keep hearing Tim's voice all the time.  One question asks of threats during the abuse.  I wrote a list of them down and now I hear them in my head all the time.  I feel like a terrified little girl all the time, and then I get seriously angry at myself for it.  I was sitting in the closet in a lot of physical pain in embarrassing areas, trying to bring myself to the present and not cut myself for a pretty long time.  I decided to text Melody, even though I was feeling kind of embarrassed by my behavior, and ask her to come sit with me.  She did.  I wasn't even aware she was here until she came and got me from the closet.  I cried.  She hugged me and told me stories about a barrel of dog poo in a tornado.  She always has a poo story.  Melody is pretty hilarious so I went from sobbing to laughing and back to sobbing a lot.  When she left, I went and laid down on my couch and cried a little bit.  Tried to use an icepack to relieve some pain, but it didn't help very much.  I'm pretty sure it's body memories because it comes and goes, and is strongest right after something really upsets me.  But maybe I should tell my doctor about it.

These questions are seriously hard for me, but I feel like it's something I have to make myself finish.  I feel like it will be the same as when I went mute at 12 if I don't.  Maybe I shouldn't do it by myself anymore.  I have a lot of it finished, but there are parts where I just can't figure out the words to write down.  I can get most of it down, but then my mind goes blank and then comes all the pain and insanity. 

I got some good news today.  Well, it's mostly good news, but I'm actually really nervous about it.  I get my job back next Friday.  I have been waiting for this for so long and I've been so bored being unemployed, but now I'm feeling a lot of anxiety about going back to work.  I feel so crazy and out of control right now.  I feel like seriously dysfunctional right now.  I don't want to go into a classroom full of kids and terrified teachers (I evaluate them) and start sobbing.  If I go to the hospital again, I'm gonna seriously screw up my job.  Going back to work means I no longer have to pay $611 in Cobra health insurance.  My insurance will cost me 20 bucks.  It means a paycheck.  It means something to do.  It means having a schedule.  I want to work.  I need to work, so why am I feeling so scared about it?