Thursday, March 22, 2012

Drained and dehydrated after therapy





Me:  "I've been thinking about this place that I used to live as a little girl a lot.  It's this shelter called Casa De Los Ninos.  I don't know why."

CT:  "Well lets talk about it.  How do you feel when you think about it?"

Me:  "I don't know.  I have lots of feelings I guess, but I don't really know how to label them."

CT:  "We don't have to worry about giving them correct labels."

Me:  "It's the place where Maggie and Tim came to observe me before they took me home.  It was actually kind of weird.  They watched me for a couple of hours without introducing themselves to me.  When we finally had a visit, Maggie asked me if I wanted to come live with them and I said 'Probably not.'"

CT:  "It seems like your searching for something here."  (Something like that).

Me:  "I don't know.  Were they there just looking at me, or did they just pick me over some other kid?  Why did they want me?  What if they didn't pick me.  What if I had said that I didn't want to live with them instead of probably not?"

CT:  "Seems like you're looking for a way to find control in the situation, or maybe a fantasy that you could have changed what happened."

Me:  "I just don't know why they picked me.  It started after I got this offer from a new reader to my blog who asked me if I wanted them to adopt me.  I don't know why, but it made me feel really bad about myself.  It made me feel really pathetic and sad,"

CT:  "Do you see how you are doing it again?  You are taking someone's totally misguided offer and turning it into something negative about yourself,"

Me:  "I don't know why it makes me feel bad.  I don't know what adult adoption would really do for me.  I mean, it won't change anything.  I don't know these people.  I don't want to be adopted." 

(very very long silence).

 "Actually I really do want that."  (I break down and sob really really really hard.).

CT:  "Of course you do.  We all want love and family and a sense that we belong somewhere."

Me:  "What's wrong with me?"

CT:  "Nothing is wrong with you.  You are taking all the blame again."  (more stuff, but I can't remember).

Me:  "But then how come no one ever wants me once they know me?  No one wants me.  There is something really wrong with me.  Why doesn't anyone that knows me want me?"

CT:  "It's not about something being wrong with you.  There have just been a lot of loss in your life..."

I don't really remember what she said. Something about my girlfriend.  Something about blaming myself because my mom instilled that in me. 

Me:  "I've tried so hard to give people what they want, so that maybe whatever is wrong with me won't matter.  It's never enough.  Everyone always leaves.  I never have enough to make up for being so fucked up."

CT:  Blah blah blah blah (I'm crying so hard now that I cannot really take in anything she says).

Me:  "I feel like people don't ever really love me.  They just want something from me.  There is nothing about me that people love and when they see how screwed up I am, it doesn't matter what I can give them.  I still want a family.  I want a mom so badly."

CT:  Blah blah blah blah.....

Me:  "K said she was going to adopt me way before we even talked about the egg donation.  She told me she was going to adopt me and then she got rid of me.  We made a baby together and not even that ties me to someone forever.  In a couple of weeks it will be a whole year since I've seen any of them.  What is wrong with me?  Why doesn't anyone that knows me want me?  I always change their minds.  Why doesn't anyone who knows me want me?  I really just want someone who doesn't stop loving me when they realize how fucked up I am."

(severe panic attack).

CT:  Blah blah blah blah...  We have to stop.  Can you call someone for a ride, or walk around for a while.  It's not safe for your to drive right now.

I mumbled something and left.  I sat in the stairwell and cried for about half an hour. 

Been two hours of tears and I am not entirely sure why.  I can't stand being in my own skin.  I hate everything about me.  I know why no one ever wanted me.  I'm fucking crazy.  I should just accept it.