Thursday, March 15, 2012

A breakdown with kale and beans

I'm sitting on the floor by myself in the dark.  I'm just inside my closet with my feet sticking outside, into my dollhouse sized "living room."  I have a giant black dog squished between my leg and the door frame.  I'm the calmest I've been in a couple of days, but I'll admit that I've had a little chemical help.  Sedatives, nyquil, melatonin, chamomile tea, a shot of vodka.  I'm kind of angry at myself.  Well, I'm pretty much always angry at myself, even when I intellectually know that it makes no sense.  I'm angry because I bought four bottles of Nyquil last Saturday and Um... well, it's all gone.  I know it's bad for me.  I know it's not helping me in the long run.  I really have no idea why I'm doing it.  I was really sick one time and Nyquil knocked me out.  It was the first time I felt calm and was able to sleep a normal amount of hours in one night, so now it's what I run to when I'm freaking out and can't find any relief.

I'm really having a hard time with these questions.  I feel like such a disgusting, fucked up, horrible freak.  I don't know how to put words to some of the things I have to write about.  I mean, I've never tried to put words to it before.  It's always just been pictures and sounds and feelings for me.  I'm not sure I can verbalize or write it down on permanent record.  I am full of so much anxiety and fear.  I don't know why.  It's not rational.  It's not helpful.  But I'm filled with this intense fear all the time lately.  It's like I'm expecting something really horrible to be waiting for me just a few steps away.  I feel like the ditsy teenage girl in a horror film, scared and hysterical and making really stupid decisions.  I feel like the answers are so obvious but I'm oblivious and doing all the wrong things, much like the idiotic teen in a horror flick.  "Why are you running outside?  Stupid!  The bad guy is out there!"

I've been all over the place lately.  The other day I was in line at coffee bean to get a hot tea and had to run to my car because I started sobbing out of nowhere, without provocation.  I had to quickly leave a friend's house because I didn't want to start sobbing in front of her or her kids.  Today I was making a salad at a salad bar in a grocery store.  I was picking up some kale with the plastic tongs when out of the corner of my eye I saw something that said "Kiddie porn."  I quickly looked again and it said "Kidney beans."  What is wrong with me?  Seriously?  WTF is wrong with me?  I left my box with a half prepared salad on the counter and ran out of the store. I was not very successful at holding back the tears while in the store.  The projectile tears started falling by the kale and beans.  As soon as I got to my car I totally broke down.  I lost it.  I put my face in my shirt and sobbed.  A loud, high pitched throaty noise filled my little car, totally drowning out the stereo and dinging sounds my car was making to alert me to something.  I cried for what felt like hours, but it had only been twenty minutes.  I am not even sure what all this crying is about.  It feels so random and out of place.  I think part of it is because I just feel so alone and overloaded, and scared and sad.

I'm scared and alone with this enormous dragon staring me down, ready for battle.  But I'm all by myself and without a weapon or shield.  I know there are others who have offered to help me, but I don't think it is possible for anyone to help me with this.  I am not sure I know how to let someone help me with this.  I'm not sure anyone truly understands... well, me.  I don't make a whole lot of sense.  I am aware of that flaw in myself.  I know that my feelings are screwed up and frustrate other people.  I know that my intense feelings annoy and overwhelm people.   I don't know what I need.  I don't know what I want and I'm terrified of all the options.  I feel so overwhelmed and afraid, but I can't put that on someone else.  No one can help me with this.  I can't share any of this with anyone, not even my therapists, so I'm all alone with it.  I pretend I'm okay but now the tears give me away.  I feel trapped in this enormous underwater cave.  It's so dark, confusing,full of scary things, and so hard to breathe.  The sharp jagged rocks make it frightening and very painful to move.  It's so lonely in here.  I feel so isolated.  So alone.  So lonesome.  Even when I'm surrounded by people who tell me they care about me, I feel so incredibly isolated and terrified of driving those people away at the same time.  I feel so desperate and thirsty for love.  I'm starving and want to gobble up everything that's offered to me, but totally incapable of accepting it at the same time.

This year has been so hard on me.  I know there are those who doubt my story, but I don't even care anymore.  I have heavier things to drag around.  I just want all of this to go away.  I would give anything to kill the giant, angry man that lives in my head and at the moment it's hard for me to think of any alternatives to killing myself.

I had this temporary foster mom when I was really young, like maybe five.  I lived with her again when I was older too.  She was a very sweet large black woman.  She always had these really funny and wise things to say and big squishy hugs.  She used to scoop me up and squish me to her enormous chest while I cried.  I'm so desperate for a mom to help me deal with this.  I'm so desperate for any sort of decent mom right now, or at least some kind of family.  A grandmother.  A brother.  A sister.  A really cool cousin.  Anyone.  I'm desperate for a connection that I feel secure about.  A bond that is nearly impossible to fuck up.  I want a giant mom that scoops me up and holds me while I cry and gently scolds me when I'm stupid.  I'm desperate for someone that I don't feel afraid of exhausting or driving away.  God, I just don't want to face the world by myself anymore, and I realize I'm the one choosing to face it alone because there have been people who offer support.  I know I will screw up those relationships.  It's just a matter of when, especially if I really show them all the shit I hold in.  I terrify people and I'm terrified of them.  I don't know how not to be alone.  I don't know how to trust and feel loved by people.  I don't know how not to search for signs that the relationship is in danger and then push people away when I detect or invent them.  I don't know how not to feel so needy and desperate.  I want someone to smother me with hugs and kisses.  Someone that won't run away when I'm a complete lunatic.  God, I just don't want to feel so empty anymore.  I've been crying nonstop this entire week and I don't know how to stop.  How do I make it stop?  I don't know how to make this fear and anxiety go away.  I don't have anything to be afraid of.  I just want to be normal.  I just want to be normal and lovable and boring.