I'm really having a hard time with these questions. I feel like such a disgusting, fucked up, horrible freak. I don't know how to put words to some of the things I have to write about. I mean, I've never tried to put words to it before. It's always just been pictures and sounds and feelings for me. I'm not sure I can verbalize or write it down on permanent record. I am full of so much anxiety and fear. I don't know why. It's not rational. It's not helpful. But I'm filled with this intense fear all the time lately. It's like I'm expecting something really horrible to be waiting for me just a few steps away. I feel like the ditsy teenage girl in a horror film, scared and hysterical and making really stupid decisions. I feel like the answers are so obvious but I'm oblivious and doing all the wrong things, much like the idiotic teen in a horror flick. "Why are you running outside? Stupid! The bad guy is out there!"
I've been all over the place lately. The other day I was in line at coffee bean to get a hot tea and had to run to my car because I started sobbing out of nowhere, without provocation. I had to quickly leave a friend's house because I didn't want to start sobbing in front of her or her kids. Today I was making a salad at a salad bar in a grocery store. I was picking up some kale with the plastic tongs when out of the corner of my eye I saw something that said "Kiddie porn." I quickly looked again and it said "Kidney beans." What is wrong with me? Seriously? WTF is wrong with me? I left my box with a half prepared salad on the counter and ran out of the store. I was not very successful at holding back the tears while in the store. The projectile tears started falling by the kale and beans. As soon as I got to my car I totally broke down. I lost it. I put my face in my shirt and sobbed. A loud, high pitched throaty noise filled my little car, totally drowning out the stereo and dinging sounds my car was making to alert me to something. I cried for what felt like hours, but it had only been twenty minutes. I am not even sure what all this crying is about. It feels so random and out of place. I think part of it is because I just feel so alone and overloaded, and scared and sad.
This year has been so hard on me. I know there are those who doubt my story, but I don't even care anymore. I have heavier things to drag around. I just want all of this to go away. I would give anything to kill the giant, angry man that lives in my head and at the moment it's hard for me to think of any alternatives to killing myself.