Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Yeah, Right. Voicemails.

I don't publish the shitty comments anymore, but I still get them.  I've been called a liar my whole life, but it never gets any easier. People have doubted every single part of my life, and told me I am just looking for attention with some fucked up story. I've heard it my entire life.
"Yeah right, you never lived in the Middle East."
"Yeah, right, you never watched police beat a man for touching you."
"Yeah, right, you never lived in 42 foster homes."
"Yeah, right."
"Yeah, right"
"yeah, right."

I might be a fucked up, psychotic loser, but I have never been a liar.

There are many more voicemails from them. I talked to Kelly, but I have not been able to call LAPD back. It's all too much for me. It doesn't matter anymore, anyway.  I can't do it anymore.  There were a ton of pictures on FB today showing Maggie visiting her kids in Arizona, about an hour flight from me.  I'm not angry or upset with her.  I just really wish I had a family and a mom, and someone who doesn't dump me even though I'm a worthless piece of shit.

All I can think of is a lost at sea analogy and that makes me think of Finding Nemo's, "Just keep Swimming, Just keep swimming."   But, swimming is too hard now.  I'm depleted.  I've been lost at sea all by myself  for my whole life.  My skin is dry and brittle, my body is battered and broken, and I'm just fucking exhausted.