Like the DBT mantra, I desperately want to have a life worth living and I've tried so hard to find a way to do that. I'm not really sure I'm worthy of a life. I know it's not acceptable to blame myself for the things that I do. I know it frustrates people how much I hate myself. I know it pisses people off when I just can't seem to change those feelings and the urge to beat myself up. The hatred I feel for myself is so intense. I hate myself so much that all I really want to do is kick my ass. I want to punish myself for being such a fucked up piece of shit.
Everything that I've lived through in my entire life has reinforced those feelings. My life has proven myself right time and time again. I deserve the horrible things that happen to me. Zealie did not deserve to die, but I definitely did not deserve such an amazingly beautiful little loving creature. She deserved so much better than me. My sister deserves someone who knows how to take care of her. Someone who knows how to handle her illness and keep her safe. My girlfriend deserves someone better. She deserves someone who isn't always depressed. She deserves someone who is totally sure and secure in who they are.
The truth is, I hurt everyone I love. I am being totally honest and sincere when I say that. I hurt people and push them away. I can only keep up the "normal person" facade for so long and then I act like a lunatic and tell people to fuck off, in a much less vulgar way. Then again, maybe it's not any less vulgar. I just don't know how to be a normal, healthy, decent, happy person.
|Not my legs|
What is it like to want to be alive? What is it like to look forward to the future? What is it like to believe you will have a future? I have no idea. I don't remember ever feeling hopeful for the future. I used to create these super extreme and lofty goals for myself and work so hard, all in an effort to escape the little muse that whispers thoughts of death and peace in my ear. Her whispers are now screams. My brain is screaming at me to end all my suffering.
Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am, but they only think I'm strong because "I'm still here." If I kill myself, will I no longer be a strong person? I don't want to be a survivor anymore. I seriously have to keep myself in a self medicated coma to keep myself alive because I am not sure I will have the strength to do it anymore. I can't think about anything else. I can't do anything but search on the internet for the best methods and ideas to hurt people I care about less. I don't want to feel this way. I want to want to live, but I've been searching for a way to do that for more than a quarter century.
I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't want to hurt anymore either. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to fight the urge anymore.