Sunday, February 26, 2012

Spirit Klepto

I cannot sleep at night, no matter how hard I try.  The only way I can sleep is to knock myself out with large quantities of chemicals.  I was a little sick last night, so it was even harder to sleep.  I'm so worried about the alarming increase and intensity of my crazy behavior and feelings.  I feel on edge all the time.  I went out to dinner last night because it was my girlfriend's birthday.  I invited six good friends and I love all of them, but I was overwhelmed with anxiety.  I feel like I have to keep things moving.  I had a good time last night, but that good time was mixed with a lot of anxiety and anger at myself.  I felt so angry that I constantly let my past invade my life.  I want to be able to go out with friends and have a good time without dealing with whispers in my ears or intense pain that doesn't really exist.  Going out with a group of friends is so exhausting for me.  I have a lot of fun, I do, but I'm always so exhausted and full of anxiety when it's over.  I'm full of worry about things I said or didn't say or if my friends could tell that I am crazy.

How is it possible to be surrounded by people that I know care about me and feel so lonely?  Why am I so insecure about how my friends feel about me?  A friend could tell me that they love me and instead of feeling good, I'd feel really anxious, insecure, and sad.  It's like I choose to feel lonely.  I long for intimate connection with people but I'm just not sure it's possible for me.  I feel like a freak around other people.  I'm terrified of people finding out how crazy I am, how many horrible things I've been part of, and dumping me.  I feel so alone, lonely, and kind of starving for connection all the time.
I was able to fall asleep for a few hours today, but I woke up choking and sobbing as usual.  My dream was kind of bizarre.  There were some weird creatures that would jump into my friends' bodies and basically suck them dry until they died.  They sucked away their spirits.  Only I could see these creatures and it was up to me to fight them out of my friends.  Very weird.  Later in the dream, I found out that the reason I could see these creatures is because I am one of them.  I am a creature without a spirit.  I am a creature that takes the spirit and happiness away from other people in order to survive.  I know it was a weird dream but it's totally true. That's why I can't keep a family or have close relationships.  I end up sucking people dry and they have to dump me just to survive.  I don't have my own spirit so I steal from other people.  I'm like a happiness succubus.