Schedule of decisions and consequences

Friday:

• Latched onto a friend, eating up her entire day, so that I did not have to make any decisions until the very last minute.
• Teased friend and hurt her feelings.
• Left for home around 4:30 PM, feeling like an asshole.
• Thought of the reasons why no one should be my friend.
• Thought of ways to disappear
• Made a decision on walk home.
• Called Officer Good and informed him of my decisions.  
• Opened an email from Officer Good.
• Followed directions in the email.
• Installed and ran program.
• Found two deleted photos.
• hyperventilated.
• Cut
• Hyperventilated
• Cut
• Vomited
• laid on bathroom floor, with my hands over my ears, trying to quiet the screaming in my brain.
• moved photos to a folder.
• Panic attack 
• Cut
• Tried to induce a self medicated coma with prescription and OTC meds.
• Failed
• Girlfriend came home so I pretend everything is/was okay with me and with us.  

Saturday:

• Panicked and paced around the entire apartment when gf went to bed.
• cut
• tried to sleep but I could only see the photos and the little film projector of the past running in my brain when I closed my eyes.  My playlist of insults and degradation hissed at me at full volume.  I could not turn it off. 
• Took sedatives
• Turned on computer.
• Opened folder
• Stared at photos.
• Cut
• Cried
• Cut
• Cried.

• 5AM:  Drank NyQuil and other "nighttime" OTC medications and more of my sedatives.
• Washed them down with cheap wine. 
• Woke up around 8 Am.  Repeated last two steps.
• Went back to my bed around 9AM.
• Did not sleep but laid there most of the day, trapped in my own head.  So much screaming.  So much physical pain.  So much crying.
• 2PM: Looked at photos.  
• Cut.
• 4PM:  More NyQuil, wine, and pills. 
• 6:30PM Look at photos
• Cut.
• Cry.
• 7PM:  Write this weird blog entry.
• Feel absolutely nothing.

Or make me Go away.

I Wish I was dead.