Saturday, February 18, 2012

Schedule of decisions and consequences

Friday:
  • Latched onto a friend, eating up her entire day, so that I did not have to make any decisions until the very last minute.
  • Teased friend and hurt her feelings.
  • Left for home around 4:30 PM, feeling like an asshole.
  • Thought of the reasons why no one should be my friend.
  • Thought of ways to disappear
  • Made a decision on walk home.
  • Called Officer Good and informed him of my decisions.  
  • Opened an email from Officer Good.
  • Followed directions in the email.
  • Installed and ran program.
  • Found two deleted photos.
  • hyperventilated.
  • Cut
  • Hyperventilated
  • Cut
  • Vomited
  • laid on bathroom floor, with my hands over my ears, trying to quiet the screaming in my brain.
  • moved photos to a folder.
  • Panic attack 
  • Cut
  • Tried to induce a self medicated coma with prescription and OTC meds.
  • Failed
  • Girlfriend came home so I pretend everything is/was okay with me and with us.  

Saturday:
  • Panicked and paced around the entire apartment when gf went to bed.
  • cut
  • tried to sleep but I could only see the photos and the little film projector of the past running in my brain when I closed my eyes.  My playlist of insults and degradation hissed at me at full volume.  I could not turn it off. 
  • Took sedatives
  • Turned on computer.
  • Opened folder
  • Stared at photos.
  • Cut
  • Cried
  • Cut
  • Cried.
  • 5AM:  Drank NyQuil and other "nighttime" OTC medications and more of my sedatives.
  • Washed them down with cheap wine. 
  • Woke up around 8 Am.  Repeated last two steps.
  • Went back to my bed around 9AM.
  • Did not sleep but laid there most of the day, trapped in my own head.  So much screaming.  So much physical pain.  So much crying.
  • 2PM: Looked at photos.  
  • Cut.
  • 4PM:  More NyQuil, wine, and pills. 
  • 6:30PM Look at photos
  • Cut.
  • Cry.
  • 7PM:  Write this weird blog entry.
  • Feel absolutely nothing.

Or make me Go away.
I Wish I was dead.