Sunday, February 19, 2012

Not normal

I am filled with so much rage.  So much rage just for me.  I hate who I am.  I hate where I've been.  I hate where I'm going.  I try to be a good person, but I always seem to make the wrong choices.  I always end up making the wrong decisions.

I have been part of so many horrible things.  Why has my life been so crazy and weird?  Why have I been part of so many horrible, disgusting things?

I have tried to pry off all the horrible things stuck on me, but everything is so firmly in place.  I've managed to pull a few things off, but they always find their way back.  Like those photos.  I had a really hard time deleting them.  I had to have a friend help me push delete on my computer.  The photos went away, but now they are back.  They are stuck to me again and I can't stop looking at them.  I've been part of so many horrible things.  People say that you are made up of your life experiences.  If that is true, than I am made of a lot of really horrible things.  I'm a horrible person.  Most people who live through horrible things end up doing great things with their lives.  They become good people.  I've done nothing with my life.  

The photos that I have found are horrible.  They are so horrible.  They are the worst photos I have ever seen.  They are part of something disgusting.  They are disgusting.  They are disgusting and I am a part of them. 

Fran is right.  I am not normal.  It's disturbing and fucked up that I keep looking at them.  I hate myself for it.  I hate myself when I look at them.  I hate myself after I look at them.  It's so insane that I keep finding myself sitting in my bathroom with horrible photos on my computer, cutting myself with razor blades, or whatever is available.  I have never been afraid of monsters, because I know that the monsters are inside of me.

I wanted to keep the case open because I thought it was the right thing to do, but I'm not strong enough to do it.  I still have to have officers come over to my house and look at everything that's ever been on my computer.  I still have to describe each photo in detail and anything I remember from the events in them.  I can't do it.  I'm too crazy.  I'm too fucked up.  I'm too fucking weak.  I am an incredibly weak coward.

I don't think I will ever be normal or a good person.