Sunday, February 19, 2012
I have been part of so many horrible things. Why has my life been so crazy and weird? Why have I been part of so many horrible, disgusting things?
I have tried to pry off all the horrible things stuck on me, but everything is so firmly in place. I've managed to pull a few things off, but they always find their way back. Like those photos. I had a really hard time deleting them. I had to have a friend help me push delete on my computer. The photos went away, but now they are back. They are stuck to me again and I can't stop looking at them. I've been part of so many horrible things. People say that you are made up of your life experiences. If that is true, than I am made of a lot of really horrible things. I'm a horrible person. Most people who live through horrible things end up doing great things with their lives. They become good people. I've done nothing with my life.
The photos that I have found are horrible. They are so horrible. They are the worst photos I have ever seen. They are part of something disgusting. They are disgusting. They are disgusting and I am a part of them.
Fran is right. I am not normal. It's disturbing and fucked up that I keep looking at them. I hate myself for it. I hate myself when I look at them. I hate myself after I look at them. It's so insane that I keep finding myself sitting in my bathroom with horrible photos on my computer, cutting myself with razor blades, or whatever is available. I have never been afraid of monsters, because I know that the monsters are inside of me.
I wanted to keep the case open because I thought it was the right thing to do, but I'm not strong enough to do it. I still have to have officers come over to my house and look at everything that's ever been on my computer. I still have to describe each photo in detail and anything I remember from the events in them. I can't do it. I'm too crazy. I'm too fucked up. I'm too fucking weak. I am an incredibly weak coward.
I don't think I will ever be normal or a good person.