Sunday, February 5, 2012

I don't want to feel this way

I don't want to feel this way.  I don't want to stress people out.  I don't want to feel so fucked up and worthless.  I don't want to feel like this psychotic, fucked up, disgusting, dirty, vile, unwanted, piece of rancid, maggot infested garbage that no one wants.  This used, damaged garbage that everyone keeps throwing away.  I am damaged goods.  I don't want to hate myself so much.  I don't want to want to die or think about it so much.  I don't want to, but I do.  It's all I can think about.  I know it's selfish, but I just don't think I can handle all of this anymore.  All this shame, guilt, worthlessness, disgust.  Knowing that I'll never have a family is killing me.  Knowing that everyone will decide to dump me eventually is killing me.  Knowing that no one has ever wanted me, once they know who i really am, is killing me.  The anxiety I feel about other people is killing me.  The anxiety and nervousness I feel about the future is killing me.  I'm always waiting for the next disaster in my life.  I'm always scared about what's around the corner.  What's coming next?  Who is going to hurt me next?  Who is going to hate me next?

I have no idea how to be a decent human being.  I have no idea how to be a girlfriend, friend, sister, coworker.  I have no idea how to be a fucking human being.  I'm terrified of people.  I'm freaked out by men.  I'm so unsure of myself and my behavior around them.  Any time a man is angry, I feel an intense, psychotic urge to fix whatever is wrong.  I have to fix it.  I have to make him happy.  I can be walking down the street and hear an angry male voice and my anxiety spikes and my urge to fix whatever is wrong or run away is fucking intense.  Sudden changes in tone of voice send a shock wave of fear down my whole body and then I feel really stupid and insane.  The change in tone of voice in certain women does this to me too.  Certain women freak me out too.  

The nightmares are killing me.  Dreaming about violently destroying people I dearly love is fucking insane and it's more than I can bear.  Dreaming about Tim is more than I can bear.  Dreaming memories is more than I bear.  Waking up screaming, or crying, or holding my breath is so fucked up.  Dreaming that I am a rapist, hurting children is more than I can bear.  Being awake for three or four days at a time is literally killing me.  I can't handle the flashbacks anymore.  I can't even take a shower without checking to make sure the door is locked every few minutes and stacking as much stuff as I can in front of the door.  I'm not afraid of my girlfriend coming in, so what the hell is wrong with me?  I know that it's fucked up and psychotic that I do that.  Even though I know it's irrational, I have to peek out of the shower curtain to check on the door every few minutes.  I hate myself.

The dissociation is terrifying me.  I've always been excellent at "spacing out" when I'm bored, or stressed out, or overwhelmed in some way.  Lately, my "spacing out" has become really invasive.  I lose track of time.  There will be hours of my day that are completely missing from my memory.  I have NO idea where they went or what I did.  My girlfriend will usually ask what I did all day and sometimes I literally don't have an answer because I cannot remember.  I have receipts for coffee or other little things and I have no memory of doing those things.  I will have drawings that I don't remember drawing, and these drawings are usually really REALLY twisted and morbid, and fucked up.

The flashbacks are killing me.  I've been trying to keep busy, going to dog parks, beaches, gardening like crazy, drawing for hours and hours, hanging out in art stores, or galleries, or just about anything I can think of that will keep me out of my head--or really, keep my head away from me..  Nothing prevents them from attacking me and at random times.  I don't feel safe from my own brain!  I was at the dog park the other day with a friend, my dogs, and a doggy friend.  It was a nice day out and the dogs where having a really good time.  For some reason, my brain decided I was feeling too relaxed and happy and attacked me with a scene I'd really rather forget.  It was so much harder to hide what was happening than it usually is.  There was so much shouting.  It's so loud in my head.  It's always so loud and painful in my head.  I can't experience the past anymore.  It's time to just fucking get over it and try to be a normal person, but I'm not strong enough.  I'm a weak, pathetic person that tortures herself with past events all day long.  Sometimes my brain is hurting me all day long.  Sometimes my head is hurting me when I sleep.  Sometimes my head is hurting me when I don't sleep.  I can never get away. 

People call me a "survivor" but I am not a survivor.  I didn't survive.  I'm not surviving.  I'm fucking dying.  I can't keep living like this.  Tim is dead.  Why won't my brain register that?  Why is he still alive in my head?  Why is my mother still beating me in my head?  Why am I still trapped in dark little places in my head?  Why am I constantly feeling the devastating feelings of being kicked out of home after home?  Why do I torture myself?  These are more than bad memories.  Sometimes it's like I have literally traveled back in time.  Sometimes it's like I'm stuck in two worlds at once, experiencing everything from both worlds at once.  And there is always so much screaming.  So much yelling.  So many horrible words.  So much physical pain.  So much fear.

And then there is the devastation.  I'm devastated by the loss of little C.  I'm devastated by the loss of all my families.  I'm devastated by my lack of progress in therapy and life in general.  I'm so overwhelmed.  All I do is cry, cry, cry, cry, cry and cut myself.  I haven't cut in a couple of days, but I want to so badly.  I need to so badly.  I need to feel something else, ANYTHING else and I'm willing to try anything, legal, healthy, or otherwise to make that happen because I can't do this anymore.

I know I won't survive much longer.  I don't want to feel this way.  I don't want to think about death and dying all day long, but I don't know how to do this anymore.  I don't know how to feel so disgusting and terrified and fucked up all the time.  I have nothing to give the world.  All I can think about is how exhausted I am with trying to survive and keep living.  Living for what exactly?  Why the fuck am I alive?  I'm a fucked up piece of shit.  Why did my sister die and not me?  I wish it had been me.  All I can think about is what a waste of space I am in this world. What a mistake my existence is and how much I want to fix that.  All I can think about is how much I fucking hate myself and how I can put an end to all of it. 

Everything is so heavy and I can't figure out how to keep carrying it around anymore.  I'm too weak and pathetic and fucked up.  I just want to put it all down and to go sleep and never wake up.  Dear Whoever, please please PLEASE make it all go away.  Please make me go away.  I don't care how.  I don't care if there is pain.  I don't care about any of it anymore.  HELP ME please!  Take me away here, please!