Monday, February 20, 2012

I don't have anything left

I really am so very sick.  I'm so freaking tired of hurting.  I really want to die.  I'm sad that it didn't work last year.  I tried so hard to fix myself this year.  I am so tired.  I'm so very tired.  I am not worth the polluted LA air that I breathe.  I just don't want to do this anymore.  I really don't.  I am a depressing burden on people.  They eventually tire of me.  I can't trust anyone, especially not after being dumped last year.  No one knows my fucked up parts because if they do, they either run away or stick around out of pity.

I've tried everything to find relief today.  I cleaned, I drew, I gardened, I cut, I slept, I drank an entire bottle of NyQuil.  I asked four friends to come hang out.  I didn't even want to see people today but I did it to try to be a healthy person.  They all said yes, but they were all the "I don't really want to, but alright" kind of yeses.  Saying no is disappointing.  Feeling like a burden hurts, so I didn't see anyone today.  That's better, because I didn't really want to socialize.  It felt like a huge effort to do it.  I suck at people and my desire to socialize and have relationships is pretty much non existent since I was dumped last year.  I don't trust anyone.  My relationship with my gf is pretty much over.  We are just together because neither one of us can leave.  I have no one in life.  I'm truly am all alone.  I will always be alone.

Nothing has helped me.  I've tried so hard this year with so much therapy and medication and everything else.  Nothing has worked.  Nothing has helped.  I've tried everything I could to find relief but I just can't find it and life hurts too much.  It really hurts to want to die all the time.