Thursday, February 16, 2012

Decisions

Things have been a bit rough lately.  First, I'm pretty sure my relationship is over.  We just finished a big "talk."  I'm exhausted, but I am not sure anything was talked out.

I have to make a decision by the end of the work day tomorrow about what to do regarding the child pornography.  My choices are:  Close the case or keep it open.  Keeping the case open entails allowing Crimes Against Children to come and look at everything on my computer.  They are going to search through my hard drive to find all the original photos and deleted emails.  I have nothing I'm afraid of people seeing, but it still feels very invasive.  After they search my computer I will have to describe each photo in detail as well as my memories of the events photographed.  The interview will be recorded.  I assumed he meant video recording, but after talking to CT about it, I'm not sure if he meant video or audio.  Either way, I am not sure I am strong enough to handle that.  I don't know if I can do it.  I am so afraid I'll repeat what I did when I was 13.  I will totally close down and look psychotic.  I will ruin the whole case.

If I decide to close the case, I will feel weak and selfish, but if I choose to go through with the case, I can end up looking crazy and ruining everything and it could all end up being for nothing.  Neither choice is easy.  I have no idea what to do and I'm super stressed out about all of it.  I keep having panic attacks about it. 

I freaked out in front of a friend last night.  She was very sweet and supportive, but I feel totally psycho.  The sad part is, it was totally insane and crazy, but it was a pretty mild freak out for me.  I'm really tired of feeling so out of control.  I just want it to go away.  I want to be able to at least pretend I am normal and sane.