Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Today

 Today's been a really tough day, but I've managed to change my email address and go to therapy.  I've not managed any less or any more.  I am wearing the same clothes I wore yesterday, except I added a sweatshirt.  I only slept for 45 minutes today, so does it count if I say I even slept in my jeans and shoes?

I had therapy just a few hours ago, but most of it's a blur.  I know there was quite a bit of crying and a some hyperventilating and then there is just kind of nothing.  There is a big black fuzzy wall blocking my view of the rest of the session.  I do remember that CT had me sit with her for a few minutes after session and asked me to try to get a ride home instead of driving myself home.  I only vaguely remember leaving and I do not remember getting home or how I got these knew cuts on my legs.  Not remembering a good chunk of your day is creepy and pretty scary.  I don't like it at all.  I wish there was a way I could program my brain to channel this ability into areas where it would be really useful. 

I've felt really strange and disconnected today, kind of like my life isn't real, like I'm just a character in a movie or a book or something.  I just don't feel...alive.  I mean I know I'm real and I know I'm right here, laying under my covers, typing on my computer, but it still feels like nothing is real, like I'm dreaming and I know I'm dreaming.  I tried drawing because that usually helps me space out and create something, but because my drawings are kind of surreal in nature, it added to the lack of reality or any kind of grounding in the present.  I am not complaining though.  I'll take the surreal feeling over how I've felt these last few days.  It's like I'm kind of trapped in this vast land of nothingness or white water rapids.  I'm in one extreme or the other.

I'm always searching for ways to survive and make it to the next moment, the next day, the next month, but that's not really enough.  Life is too hard and sad and scary.  I'm trying so hard to crawl out of this giant pit I've been stuck in.  I'm exhausted and really worried about the next one I will fall in after this.  I'm tired of fighting right now.  I don't feel all that despondent when I say that.  I'm actually pretty flat right now.  I'm just kind of... I don't know the right words.  I'm ready to wave my white flag and surrender.  It's like that feeling when you're out traveling on vacation or something and you're so tired you're not really interested in the activities anymore.  You're totally ready to go.  That's how I feel right now.  I'm just ready for something to end, and at this very moment, I don't really care what that means.