Monday, January 30, 2012

Tired of Coping.

Dr. K:  How did things go with CT last week?
Me:  It was okay.  We worked things out.
Dr. K:  (a bunch of stuff about not being judgmental, blah blah blah).
Me:  I guess I'm just feeling really discouraged with therapy and life.  I just don't feel any better, and now my insurance is going to limit my therapy to once a week, so I don't know what to do.  Maybe it doesn't matter.  Nothing has helped me.
Dr. K:  We just have to find the right treatment for you.
Me:  But I've tried so many things.  I'm not trying to be anti DBT, it's just that I don't see how it will help me.  I mean, I see it being really useful for everyday frustrations and stresses, but not for my issues.  I do all the homework, but I feel like a freak because everyone else writes about someone at work being an asshole and the thing I have to write about is seeing my own child pornography.  I can't share that.  I did the pros and cons list homework this week, but I can't see that helping me with my panic attacks, flashbacks, or nightmares.  

We talk about my panic attacks for a while and what they are like for me.  Dr. K suggests I see a cardiologist and get checked out to make sure it's not a physical issue.  I don't think it's a physical issue because it doesn't happen all the time.  I'm also getting weird rashes a lot.  Right now I have this thing on my tongue that only babies or people with immune disorders get.  I'm constantly breaking out with something, a rash, a staph infection, hives, weird broken blood vessel like rashes on my abdomen.  I'm tired of it.  We talk about CT and my insurance and the homework for class tomorrow.  

Me:  I want help.  I've tried and tried and tried to help myself.  There have been so many people trying to help me for the past year and I'm not far from where I started.  I want to feel like a normal person.  I can't keep living like this.  I'm so tired and I'm feeling so discouraged and hopeless.  I feel like I'm being punished.  I can't take it anymore.  I have LAPD calling me and the woman from the Long Beach office.  I can't handle this anymore.  I don't want to talk to the police or FBI about my sexual abuse or the photos.  I can't do this anymore.

Dr. K:  Can't do what?

Me:  This.  All of this.  I'm exhausted.  I don't know what I'm supposed to do.  I am barely surviving and horrible things keep happening and I just don't see how making pros and cons lists or chain analysis of emotions are going to help me deal with things like child pornography or whatever else life is going to dump on me.  I just want all of it to stop.  It's fucking torture.  I can't do it anymore.

Dr. K:  Do you think you need to go to the hospital.

Me:  No.  I'm fine.  The hospital won't help and I can't afford it.

Dr. K:  (really really long lecture)

I'm so tired.  I'm tired of being tired.  I'd take the worst pain I've ever felt in my life over this.  I'll take the gallbladder pain over this.  People keep leaving me because I bring everyone down.  I suck the life out of everything.  People always say they won't leave, and they are usually sincere when they say that, but once they realize how fucked up I really am, they can't deal with it anymore.  Everyone leaves.  Last week I was dumped by two blog friends for being "too heavy."  I am too heavy.  I'm too heavy for me too.  It's too heavy to breathe.  I'm not strong enough to carry it anymore.  I'm so fucking exhausted.  Just make it stop.  I can't cope anymore.