Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Relationships and panic and razors and being fucking stupid

Much of this is based on my session with CT today.  A lot of the "wisdom" is hers.  

Imagine you are always starving.  You're more than starving, you're so emaciated that you're growth is stunted and your belly is distended.  Everyone around you seems to be doing okay.  They don't seem to be that hungry, but you are starving so much and all of the time.  All you think about is food.  All you want is food.  Everything you dream about is food.  You can't eat what everyone else eats because you are a little different.  Maybe you are allergic to almost everything and the type of food you can eat it is pretty hard to find.  When you do find it, you're never sure if it's poison that can cause serious and permanent damage and make you even hungrier after you eat it.   There has been food in the past you seemed to manage for a while but one day after years of it being okay, it hurts you and causes internal damage and you can never have it again.

You're desperate for food.  You're so hungry all the time, but you are terrified of food.  Will this food hurt me?  How long will this food be okay for me to consume?  How much is okay to consume?  Just a nibble or the whole plate?  You're so desperate for food but so afraid of it that when you come across it, you're not sure if you should run away or devour everything you see.  Sometimes you end up eating too much from the food source.  You pick the garden clean so that there is no more left for you.  The garden disappears without warning and you are hungry again.  Sometimes there are gardens calling out your name, but you skip them because you're too afraid of the damage and you're too afraid because it hurts more to feel nourished for a while and then hungry later.  You're always worried about being hungry later, even when you're feeling really happy and full now.  How do you choose?  Which need is more important?  Safety or nourishment?

That's how relationships are for me, except I never trust the reasons people want to be in my life.  "I don't have anything to offer, why would he or she want to be in my life?"  I find it hard that people could like me, especially when they know my secrets.  I've managed to have a long term relationship by not needing too much from her.  She can't handle the stuff I bring to the table.  She panics and worries, and then gets too involved with it.  I always end up having to make her feel better about me feeling bad.  She ends up trying to fix everything instead of just being there for me.  We've talked about this before.  She just doesn't know how to keep that balance and she takes on everything.  She is a fixer and a worrier.  Everything worries her.  Everything hurts her, so I keep a distance.  I am there for her when she needs me to be, but I go hide in parks and get really drunk because I'm afraid to go home where she'll be able to see that I've been crying all day.  She tries hard to be there for me, but she just can't in the ways that I need because she just doesn't know how.  She doesn't understand.  Just a little while ago she came home early and caught me crying and I've spent half an hour trying to get her to stop crying about the fact that I am upset. 

I'm starving for someone who understands me, my life, my history, my fucked up pieces because I feel so freaking alone in this world.  I feel like such a fucked up freak because I don't know anyone like me.  No one that has any of those lonely things in common with me.  I started this blog initially hoping to find other former foster kids like me so that maybe I wouldn't feel so alone.  For some reason I expected it to be easy to keep relationships with former fosters, but it turns out, it's even harder because we both end up being too hungry and paranoid.  Even the former fosters I've found don't know how to relate to me or think I'm making things up or find some other reason not to like me.

I just never learned how to be a friend.  I never learned how to find friends.  I've never learned how to maintain friendships unless they are at a distance.  There is no one in my life that knows how bad I feel in this exact moment.  No one knows that I sat in a park, drank way too much while cutting myself with my keys and then razors when I got tired of the keys not working enough.  No one knows I did this because I got stuck in my car for hours and just couldn't stay in the present.  My whole body was hurting, like really hurting.  It's still hurting.  All my senses were on fire.  There was so much screaming in my head.  I felt like someone was going to attack me at any moment.  I was even hoping someone would attack me so I could fight them.  I wanted a physical fight. I don't know why.  My body was just read to fight someone.  

After my DBT class, I was stuck in my car crying for over two hours when I decided I couldn't take it anymore.  I went to the store, bought the alcohol and razors and was going to go home.  When I got home, I saw the light still on in my apartment and knew my gf would be super stressed out, working on her dissertation.  I looked like a mess and couldn't let her see me like that, for her sake or mine.  I left my car at home and walked to a park where I drank until I puked and cut and cut and cut until I couldn't feel anything else but the razor sliding across my skin.  That felt so much better than all the other pain, but it doesn't take the pain away for very long.  As soon as I stop, the pain comes back.  I didn't do too much damage.  I was able to restrain myself more than usual.  I only needed three tiny stitches, but the doctor put liquid stitches on instead.  Liquid stitches is basically super glue.  That was an expensive dab of super glue.  I tried to go home a couple of times last night, but the light was still on each time, so I went back to the park to cut and drink some more.  I felt so alone, and scared, and like such a freak.  I wanted someone to sit with me.  I wanted someone who understands me to sit with me and help me not feel so insane.  I couldn't go home because my girlfriend couldn't handle it and she wouldn't understand and she would want to take me to the hospital because she always wants to fix things an make me better.  I don't want to be fixed.  I want to be comforted and understood.  The only thing I had last night was this blog which I got a little weird about.  This thing often gets me in trouble.

I'm so lonely and so exhausted.  I'm exhausted by my life.  I'm really suffering right now.  Most people use their blogs to vent or write about an interest and then log off and go talk to their families or friends or whatever.  I use my blog because I have nowhere else.  My need is too heavy for my gf.  My need is too heavy for me.  I want someone who gets me, but there is no one and when there is someone, I panic and do stupid shit and get scared and run away, or I ask them to go away or I do shit that makes them go away.  Relationships are hard for me.  I'm always searching for evidence that I've fucked up.  I'm terrified of hurting other people.  I'm terrified of fucking up.  I'm terrified of being dumped.

My panicked inner dialogue:

Not call/email/text me back?
"OMG.  They are pissed off at me.  What did I do?  I hope I didn't say something stupid.  What if I did.  God, I'm such a fuck up.  I hate myself.  Should I write the and ask them if I messed up?  What if they say yes?  What if they are never going to talk to me again?  What if they dumped me?"  

Tell me you're upset with me or set a boundary of some kind?
"OMFG.  They are so upset and I don't even know what I did.  Why am I being scolded when I wasn't the one who did it?  They think I'm fucked up.  They think I'm crazy and psycho.  I can't stop it from happening.  They are leaving.  I can't go back and fix it.  It's all over now.  I really fucked up.  I fucked up everything.  I mess up everything.  I'm such an asshole.  They are pissed.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know what to say.  They are leaving.  I can't handle it if they leave.  Fuck them.  Let them leave.  No wait, I don't want them to go.  God, I don't know what to do.  I'm just going to leave them first." 
So basically I'm scared and lonely and sad and fucked up and so fucking exhausted.  I feel like such a freak and so alone in life.  I read blogs searching for people who understand.  I've found a few, but it's not the same as having someone in real life, plus when you read someone's blog there is this false sense of intimacy that isn't really there because basically you don't know the person beyond reading their diary, but you feel like you know them so well.  It's so confusing and complicated and hard to judge how to behave.  You feel super close to someone that you don't know.  It complicates things.  I've gone to support groups but I feel like a freak there too.  I'm not sure what to do with myself.  I'm in a high level of agitation at all times.  I'm freaking out at all times.  I have only slept maybe 10 hours since last Thursday.  I'm tired.  I'm so freaking tired.  I don't know how do this anymore.  I don't have the strength.  I don't know how to deal with all of this by myself and my therapists won't deal with it right now.  They think it's too much for me to deal with it right now, that I don't have the skills to cope....but that's the point.  It IS too much for me RIGHT NOW.  I'm drowning in white water rapids all by myself.  I'm so tired and so sad and so fucked up and so tired of fucking up everything in my life.  I just want...a break, even for just an hour.  I just want to be able to breathe.  I want to be understood.  I want someone who knows what it's like to be jealous that your rapist is dead because you're in a park trying to drink him away and cut him out of you.

I just want to disappear.  Poof.  Gone.