Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I...

I. Cant. Do. This. ANYMORE.  I don't want to do it anymore.  I see no reason to do it anymore.  I'm still here because I don't want to hurt my girlfriend, but I resent her for it and that's really not enough anymore.  It's selfish to hurt her, but how is it not selfish for people to ask me to suffer to protect other people for a few weeks of sadness?

Life fucking hates me.  I fucking hate me.  I don't want life anymore.  I honestly don't.  I write about this a lot, but I feel this way a lot.  I feel this way ALL of the time.  What is the fucking point anymore?  I'm angry right now as I type this.  I'm so fucking pissed off.  Life has done nothing but shit on me and I don't think it's melodramatic to say that.  My life has been so fucking absurd.  Really fucking absurd.  I know so many people think it's all some creative morbid fairytale I've made up.  They should hear the things that I don't post on here because I know how crazy they sound.  My life fucking sucks.  It's sucked for me from the very beginning.  I can't deal with it anymore.  I'm so beyond tired.  I don't think anyone understands when I say that, but I don't know any other way to describe the way I feel.  I'm worn down.  I'm beaten down.  I have nothing left.  I'm running on nothing but fumes and gravity.

It's ridiculous how hard it is for me just to move air through my lungs.  I don't want the air anymore.  I don't give a fuck about the possible good things in the future.  "It's a permanent solution for a temporary problem."  Oh fuck everyone who says shit like that.  What temporary problem?  No, really?  What temporary problem?  My life is a PERMANENT problem for me and I'm a piece of shit.  Seriously, if you only knew the person I really am.  I'm a fucking insane, psychotic, selfish asshole.  I hurt people.  I push people to their limits.  People have hated me from the very beginning.  Sexually abused by two men by the time I was 9, Raped and ripped to pieces, beaten unconscious, starved, locked in closets, 42 foster placements, and on and on and on.  I turn people into monsters.  My sister is dead but it was supposed to be me.  I watched some man scream in pain and beg me to stop the beating but I just sat there and all I had to do was say stop.  I just want to disappear.  I just want it all to go away.  All of it.  ALL of it.  God, it hurts just to breathe.  If my dog, Cooper, were suffering and nothing could be done to save him, I'd put him to sleep so he wouldn't be in so much pain anymore.  I need someone who loves me enough to put me down.  Please make it stop.  I can't handle the memories, the flashbacks, the panic attacks, the insomnia, the nightmares, the depression, the self hatred, the cutting, the child pornography and talking about them and the abuse with the authorities.  It's too much.  Way too much.  I want my mom to love me so badly and she hates me the most in the world.  I want a family so fucking badly, but I'll never have one.  I want people who will love me unconditionally so badly, but I will never have that either.  I want people who won't eventually dump me.  I will never have what I need to survive.  I will never be able to function like a normal person.  Please just make it all go away.  I just want to go away.  I'm not being melodramatic.  I honestly just can't do it anymore.