Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I need a sabbatical from life.

Dear god or santa or whoever.  Can you bring me a coma as a late Christmas present?

I spoke with someone from "Innocent Images" today.  They've called a couple times and I was finally brave enough to answer the phone.  She told me that deleting my emails and emptying the trash will make it harder for them to investigate, because the email header and full information didn't transfer when I forwarded it.  I'm not sure how that could have happened.  I have mixed feelings about all of this.  I'm terrified to know how many images are out there.  I'm pretty sure I know who sent them to me, but I'm not positive.  It just wouldn't make a lot of sense if it was anyone else.  It would be a lot scarier.  She has forwarded my case to some task force in a city about 45 minutes from where I live.  I just want all of this to go away. 

Things with CT and me are not so great.  I am really hurt by the way I was treated this weekend, and the thought of sitting in front of her tomorrow makes it a little difficult to breathe.  She keeps changing the rules on outside contact and it's really making me feel like she doesn't care about me very much.  She has been preaching, "You can always call me if you need to," and then when I actually do reach out to her after a year and a half of ignoring that offer, she decides she doesn't really mean that.  She only wants to hear about my experiences and feelings in person, even during a crisis.  I'm really hurt and I don't feel very cared about.  What happened this weekend was so stressful for me.  It probably wouldn't have been on it's own, but when you add everything she knows is going on for me, it just became too heavy for me and I needed her to deal with a situation that very much involves her.  I have one therapist complaining that I don't contact her outside of session enough and one therapist who tells me I can contact her outside of session and gets upset when I do.  I can't win and I'm really hurt.  I can't decide if I want to see her this week or not.  I have to call and cancel today because of the 24 hour cancel policy.  I'm also worried she's going to think I'm looking for attention when I call to cancel.  I'm not.  I'm looking for less attention from her.  I have so much to deal with right now and I know tomorrows session is going to be all about her, this weekend, and our relationship.  This is the subject of our sessions way too often.

I need help dealing with the photos and everything else more than I need help dealing with the shitty parts of our relationship.  Maybe she just doesn't understand what it's like to be sent child pornography--child pornography starring YOU (me) as the child.  It's really fucking devastating, scary, and way beyond my coping skills right now.  I don't know how to handle this.  I feel like I shouldn't feel so upset about these photos because they were taken so long ago.  I should be happy it's not some other tiny little girl in them.  I feel kind of selfish that I can't be happy about that.  I mean I am happy about that, but my shame and devastation kind of drown that out.  One minute I'm totally fine and the next I'm crying so hard that I'm literally not able to stand up.  I'm normally obsessed with keeping my apartment clean but I've just not been able to keep up with it right now and it's messier than I can cope with.

I know I will never have a family.  I just need to come to terms with that.  I think I can, but I can't figure out why my life is full of so much fucked up shit.  Am I being punished for something?  Was I Hitler in another life?  How am I supposed to function when this kind of stuff keeps happening in my life?  I need life to give me a break so I can deal with all the shitty things from my childhood before I can deal with all the shitty things happening now.

Right now I'm feeling devastated by these photos.  One photo was titled "47."  That photo is when I'm super tiny, so I'm terrified to think about how many more exist.  I'm hurt, annoyed, and frustrated with my therapist and how she's treated me and I'm so frustrated that life just won't give me a break.

I'm really not handling this well at all and I am feeling so alone.  I feel so abandoned by the people who are supposed to help me.  Dr. K just makes me make Pros and Cons lists or "chain analysis" of my behaviors.  She only cares about the behaviors and not my feelings causing them, at least right now.  I need more than what Dr. K can give me and I need WAY more than what CT is giving me.  I'm having such a hard.  I'm literally sick over it--physically and mentally.  I need a break.  I'm so exhausted.  So exhausted and alone.  I need a kitkat bar, some vodka, some drugs, and a coma.

I need something to stop the freaking tears.  It's getting annoying.  I need a therapist that gets it.  I need someone who understands.  Maybe I'm just a freak.  I don't know.  Maybe there isn't anyone that understands.