Monday, January 3, 2011

Fuuuuuuck

Went to my new DBT class section tonight called Emotion Regulation.  There are four new women, all around my age and younger which I like.  However, the girl next to me smelled like a very specific type of sweet smelling beer (but I am not even sure if she really did or if it was only in my head) and at break everyone went for a smoke.  When they came back all I could smell was sweet malty beer and cig. smoke.  During the class we talked about shame and when we start to learn it as children.  We talked a lot about family tonight but I don't know why.  I kind of always tune that stuff out.  We talked about kids learning when its not okay to be naked.  We talked about how society teaches us to feel shame about sex.  We were asked to remember being 8 or 9 in our families and even how back then shame was a huge emotion.  And I don't remember why this sentence was talked about but this exact sentence was repeated twice in class:  "If I love him, it must be okay."  During break one woman kept talking about how her friends husband has beem "secretly fucking her," and how she feels really ashamed but she thinks she deserves to feel like a "whore."
Seriously????  Wtf?  It feels like this class was just here to make me feel like slitting my jugular veins, very slowly and one at a time.  I was so proud of myself for going and now I wish I hadn't because I can't even drive home yet.  I've been in my car crying for like an hour.  I'm like fucking stuck here because all of my senses keep getting hijacked.  My whole fucking body hurts.  Why the fuck was I born? Seriously.  Fuck!
Proud of me for not cutting?  Don't be.  I've discovered my lock key is pretty sharp if you push hard enough.