Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Finally going to change it

I really don't want to change my email address.  I love my user name and address and I've had to change my address a million times because of my mother and bio siblings.  I'm not good at protecting my identity on the Internet.  I always think I'm being good at hiding my information but I just realized that my email was visible on facebook.  I could have sworn I had it set to friends only.  I really have no choice anymore.  I can't delay it any longer.  I have received four emails since last Tuesday from someone with an email with spoofed identity information so that they can remain totally anonymous.  The anxiety of not knowing who is sending them to me is almost worse than what they are sending me.  Almost.  The email I received on Tuesday made the day so overwhelming that I threw out any desire for health and frantically searched for anything that would take it all away, for some kind of mental anesthesia. 

I went to therapy today which is only a few buildings from a big government building that I need to go to.  I walked in and stood there for a minute.  There were no women anywhere.  Men everywhere.  I left.  I feel so strange around men, well straight men anyway.  I become jumpy and anxious and so self conscious about my behavior around them.  I can't ever calm down enough to connect with them.  I walked in there, hoping to find a receptionist or someone who could answer my embarrassing questions but I became frozen and eventually left. 

Not long after leaving, I received another email.  This new one hit me hard, like a wrecking ball to my stomach.  Too familiar.  Too fucking familiar.  Everything about it is familiar.  I skipped my DBT class tonight and spent a few hours hiding in a dark spot in my closet, where I found some stashed razors I had forgotten about.  I decorated my legs to match the email.  I feel so trapped by these attachments from the past.  I can't tell anyone.  I'm writing about it now but I can't be more specific.  I can't show them to anyone.  I want someone else to see it too, to see what's happening.  I can't show them to anyone because it would be wrong.  I don't want anyone else to see because I don't want to hurt them too and I feel so ashamed.  I don't want who I think might be doing it to get into trouble.  I feel disgusting and I don't want people to know, except I do want people to know.  It's another big secret all over again.  I'm an adult now and someone has figured out how to make me feel just as helpless as I felt back then.

The vodka in my freezer is a bit seductive right now.