Wednesday, January 4, 2012

But I have so many secrets


My whole life has been secrets.  So many secrets, so many lies, so many bandaids, so many costumes.  I carry them in ten gallon buckets balanced carefully on my shoulders.  I cautiously watch each step to make sure nothing spills as I move around.   

194 posts so far.  Posts with really honest, raw, scary secrets.  This year...er last year, I have started sharing secrets with a few people in real life, mostly therapists and doctors and blog friends.  But I have so many painful secrets that scare people away.

 Seeing the Girl With The Dragon Tattoo was a huge mistake or maybe it was just my excuse to totally lose it.  I've cut myself again tonight.  Not just one cut, not just two cuts, not just six cuts.  I went a little insane.  I hate myself.

I can't focus on anything lately except for my fucking intense flashbacks, I have been crazy since that fucking movie.  Last night I was hiding in the closet rocking myself feeling terrified about when I would be able to leave the closet even though I put myself in there.  I'm either terrified or walking around totally blank and lost and "nowhere," like literally nowhere.  My mind goes black and I have no idea where I go, but I can't be present either. 

I tried to kill myself last March, almost one year ago.  I've received intense therapy since then.  Why the fuck don't I feel better yet?  Even my insurance thinks I'm hopeless.  They are thinking about cutting my services for lack of progress.  There is no hope of living any kind of normal life.  I'm fucked up for life.  I don't care whose fault it is that my life is shit.  It doesn't change the fact that no one has ever wanted me and I don't really want me either.  This blog was supposed to be what life is like after foster care to help foster children and parents and instead it's become this melodramatic ramblings of a self absorbed piece of shit.