Friday, December 28, 2012

I got an interview!

I finally got an interview for one of the jobs I applied for in another state.  I'm thrilled and terrified.  It isn't even one of the jobs that I really want, but it's a job and it's in the city I want so I really want it!  This will be my first interview in a very long time.  Now I've got to figure out how to get there, get some interview clothing, and sound intelligent enough for the job.  I'm so excited that I think I might need to take anxiety meds! 

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Some things just are

So much for the "improvement" in my mental health lately.  It's just an illusion.  There is no sanity for me.  I've spent much of the day wishing I was dead.  Crying, thinking about dying, looking at things on the internets, and crying some more.

Another Christmas alone.  I have not verbalized one word to another human being today.  I should be thankful because I have a roof over my head, food, and some outlets for my needs for human interaction, like the internet.  I even have water.  The health department talked to my landlords and had it turned back on the 24th.  But I've spent the whole day sad and missing people. Specific people and ideas of people.

All I want is a family.  Human connection.  The kind of connection where it is not so easy to cut me off and throw me away.  But I will never have that because I'm a disposable human being.  Yesterday's trash.  Tomorrow's trash.  All the therapy and medication in the world will not change that.  I am trash and there is no use in fighting it anymore.  

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Monday, December 24, 2012

101 Ways to Get Involved in Foster Care

Reblogged from HERE

Just look for the statement(s) in bold that describe(s) your situation. Above all, I want to emphasize, DO SOMETHING!

A. I have space in my heart and/or home and I’m interested in getting actively involved in foster care now.

1. Become a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) Volunteer
2. Become a Foster Parent
3. Become a Foster Grandparent
4. Provide Respite Foster Care
5. Serve as a Guardian for a Child/Youth in the Foster Care System
6. Become Licensed to Provide Care for a Child/Youth in Your Extended Family who is at Risk of Placement with a Non-Relative
7. Adopt a Child from the Foster Care System
8. Volunteer on a Local Foster Care Review Board
9. Become a “Grand-Friend” to Foster Child/Youth by Attending Their School Activities, Sporting Events, Concerts, Etc.

B. I have reliable transportation and am able to assist with getting around.

10. Transport Children for Sibling Visitations
11. Transport Parents/Children to Visits
12. Transport Families/Children to Court Hearings
13. Transport Families/Children to Medical Appointments
14. Transport Families/Children to Therapy Sessions
15. Transport a Child/Youth in Foster Care to School
16. Offer to Carpool with Foster Parents in Your Neighborhood
17. Transport a Child/Youth in Foster Care to and from Extra-Curricular Activities
18. Provide Transportation to Former Foster Youth in College to/from School

C. I have skills or talents to share with foster children, teens, or families.

19. Provide an Internship Opportunity to a Foster Youth at Your Employment
20. Mentor a Child/Youth in Foster Care
21. Proofread Papers/Help with Homework For a Youth in Foster Care
22. Chaperone/Assist with an Event (Picnic, Sledding) for Foster Families
23. Tutor a Child or Youth in Foster Care
24. Help a Foster Youth Prepare for ACT/College Entrance Exams
25. Teach Financial Literacy to Youth in Foster Care
26. Teach Independent Living Skills (such as Cooking, Shopping, and Using the Laundromat) to Youth in Foster Care
27. Hire and Teach a Foster Youth to do Household Maintenance, Yard Work, Snow Shoveling, etc.
28. Teach a Youth in Foster Care How to Drive

D. My resources are limited but I have time to devote to helping those in foster care.

29. Provide After-School Care for a Foster Family
30. Read to a Child in Foster Care
31. Assist a Foster Parent with Child Care
32. Call Your Local Child Welfare Office to Volunteer to Assist with Administrative Tasks
33. Volunteer to Serve as an Educational Advocate (Sometimes Called Surrogates) for Students Receiving Special Education Services
34. Invite a Foster Child/Youth New in Your Neighborhood to Play Basketball or Soccer, attend a Ball Game, or Other Community Event
35. Assist a Local Shelter or Residential Program By Supervising Outings or Group Activities
36. Ask Your Church or Other Social Organizations to Sponsor a Foster Family
37. Sponsor a Support Group for Foster Parents/Children (provide space, coffee, food, supplies)
38. Talk with Your Local School About Unmet Needs (Time or Resources) of Enrolled Foster Children
39. Encourage a Child/Youth in Foster Care to Participate in Community Events
40. Accompany Foster Child/Youth to Plays, Sports Events, Musical Performances
41. Prepare a Special Meal for a Foster Family

E. My time is limited but I have financial and other resources to share.

42. Buy Back-to-School Clothes for a Foster Child/Youth
43. Buy Back-to-School Supplies for a Foster Child/Youth
44. Pay Extra-Curricular Fees for a Child/Youth in Foster Care
45. Support a Local Angel Tree Program During the Holidays
46. Provide Prom Dress or Tuxedo for Foster Youth
47. Sponsor a Foster Child to Attend Pre-school or a Day Care Program
48. Sponsor a Foster Child/Youth to Take Part in a Community Summer Program
49. Pay Fees/Provide Spending Money for a Senior Trip/Vacation for a Youth in Foster Care
50. Donate New or Used Clothing in Good Condition to a Clothes Closet for Foster Care Providers
51. Donate New or Used Bicycles, Skateboards, and Other Recreational Equipment to a Foster Care Program
52. Donate Musical Instruments to Children/Youth in Foster Care
53. Donate to Local Foster Care Programs
54. Donate to Organizations Providing Advocacy for Children/Youth in Foster Care
55. Give a Baby Bed or Other Furniture to a New Foster Parent
56. Purchase Diapers, Formula, or Baby Food For a New Foster Parent
57. Provide Uniform to Foster Youth for Sports, Band, or Other Activities
58. Sponsor a Child/Youth to Attend Summer Camp
59. Buy Art Supplies for Children/Youth in Foster Care
60. Provide Membership Fees to Local YMCA/YWCA or Rec Center
61. Provide Membership to Local Museums, Zoos, Etc.
62. Buy Bus/Public Transit Passes for Foster Families

F. My interest is in helping young adults with career preparation and transitioning to independence.

63. Donate Your Used Computer to a Foster Youth Attending College
64. Assist Former Foster Youth with Resume/Portfolio for Job Applications
65. Purchase an Interview Outfit for a Former Foster Youth
66. Provide a Cell Phone for a Former Foster Youth
67. Organize a Holiday Break Housing Program for Former Foster Youth
68. Buy Textbooks for a Former Foster Youth Attending College
69. Provide Lodging to a Former Foster Youth During College Holiday Breaks
70. Buy Restaurant Gift Cards for Former Foster Youth
71. Offer Apprenticeship to Former Foster Youth
72. Assist Youth Leaving Foster Care with Securing Housing, Managing Their Budget
73. Donate Furniture to Former Foster Youth
74. Hire Foster Youth for Summer Jobs
75. Buy Bus/Public Transit Passes for Youth Who Have Aged Out of Foster Care

G. I want to assist Biological Families who just need a helping hand to keep their family stable, safe, and secure.

76. Mentor a Struggling Biological Parent
77. Offer to Provide Respite Care to a Biological Parent Who Has Reunified with their Children
78. Provide Holiday Meal to Recently Reunified Family
79. Assist Biological Parents with Attending Necessary Support Groups (AA, NA, etc.)
80. Engage Biological Parents in Community Events and Activities
81. Mentor a New Parent Who is At-risk (Teen Parent, Former Foster Youth, Person with Limited Support System)
82. Help a Struggling Biological Parent with Meals, Household Tasks, etc.
83. Reach Out and Provide Encouragement to a Biological Parent
84. Assist a Biological Parent with Job Seeking/Success Skills
85. Assist a Biological Parent with Transportation to Appointments, Work, etc.

H. My time and resources are limited right now but I have lots of space in my heart for kids in foster care.

86. Talk to Your Kids About Reaching Out to Children/Youth in Foster Care at School/Neighborhood
87. Watch Programs like Home for the Holiday with Your Family and Encourage Friends and Family to Join You
88. Gather Information and Educate Yourself, Family, Co-workers and Friends About the Needs of Kids in Foster Care
89. Read Books  About Foster Care (Like “I Beat the Odds” by Michael Oher) to Become Better Informed
90. Support Programs and the Work of Persons That Highlight Successes or Advocate on Behalf of Children/Youth in Foster Care (for example, Jimmy Wayne and Wayne Dyer, and by Watching Movies/Television Programs About Children/Youth/Families and Their Achievements After Foster Care)
91. Boycott Movies and Television Programs That Provide Negative Stereotypes or Vilify Children/Youth in Foster Care (Unfortunately, there have been a few…)
92. Write to Movie/Television Producers Asking Them to Stop Harming Children/Youth in Care by Promoting Negative Stereotypes
93. Ask Your Employer to Support Foster Care Through Employee/Company Donations of Time and/or Money
94. Belong to a Civic Organization? Invite a Youth in Foster Care to Share Their Experiences
95. Talk With Your Children About Foster Care, Empathy, and Bullying (kids in foster care are often ostracized by both kids and parents)
96. Learn About Pending Legislation Affecting Children/Youth in Foster Care at the State and National Level
97. Call or Write Your Elected Representatives to Encourage Their Support of Child Welfare Legislation
98. Vote for Candidates Who Have Demonstrated Leadership in Improving the Foster Care System (such as Senator Landrieu, Congressman McDermott)
99. Write “Letters to the Editor” Advocating for Children/Youth in Foster Care
100. Use Social Media and Blog/Tweet/Post To Engage and Inform Others About Foster Care
101. Share Information About Programs Doing Great Work in Foster Care

Thursday, December 20, 2012

What am I supposed to do?

  • I can't afford health insurance anymore.  This is my last month.  I no longer have unemployment so I cannot pay the 700 to cobra anymore.
  • I need abdominal surgery but can't have it done before the end of this month unless I go to the ER and they decide to admit me.  I'm in a lot of pain and feel sick all the time.
  • I have no one to help me recover from surgery if I have it.
  • I don't know where I am going to live starting Feb. 1st or how I will pay rent.
  • Four at of the 9 jobs I applied for in another state have sent me rejection letters.  I haven't heard from the other ones, or any of the hundreds I've applied for here.  It is so disheartening to be searching for a job as hard as I am and not be able to find one.  I even applied at Starbucks.  I haven't heard back even though I was a barista for two years in the past.  
  •  I am worried about this skin thing on my dog.  I need to take her to the vet to make sure it's not serious.
  • A tree in my yard cracked in half and it's sitting on wires (telephone lines?  cable?  not sure).  My landlords will not return our calls and the tree is too heavy to move myself.  
  • The right side of my jaw is killing me, but I can't afford to go to the dentist, financially or emotionally.  I called a dentist and they told me to have my regular doctor refer me to a specialist for temporomandibular joint problems which confuses me because don't you see the dentist about that? 
  • There is something wrong with the wiring in my 1996 Toyota.  The lights and stereo keep flickering on and off.  The wheels squeal when I make turns.  The seat belt no longer retracts. 
  •  The water has been turned off in my apartment but it has nothing to do with us.  It's the huge dramatic thing between the front house and our landlords.  So we probably won't have any water for a while.   
  • I hate the holidays and I'm so freaking sad about it all the time.
  • I'm so stressed out and starting to feel so freaking hopeless.   
  • I wish I had a family, any kind of family.  I have nothing.  Nobody.  There are some days where I don't have any kind of interaction with other human beings, other than Facebook.  I have no family.  No human connections.  
Vicodin makes me super emotional and I've had a lot of it today, plus three doses of 800 mg Ibuprofen, and cold medicine for this congestion that won't go away.

I want a mom, or a dad, or grandparent, or a cousin or stable sibling right now.  I a need a mom so bad right now.  Nobody wants to stick around in my life for very long.  No one wants me.  Not families, not employers.  No one.

I need to take some more pain killers and go to sleep.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Paper and Tape

Wrapping gifts for someone you love very much but can't have in your life hurts.  But the thought of them thinking that you forgot about them hurts even more.  

Tuesday, December 11, 2012


Dr. K wants me to breathe in a mantra that I've actually already forgotten.  I guess I should have written it down.  It was: Self acceptance, forgiveness, and something I can't remember.  I'm sure it will come to me later.

I have been struggling with extreme anxiety this past week because I have to do stuff with new people.  I am so frustrated with my anxiety.  It is irrational and totally unwelcome.  It's an uninvited guest who won't leave!

I don't cry much with Dr. K, mostly because we just talk about using skills and not about anything too deep, but I burst into tears when she started asking me about my anxiety and what my fears are about meeting these people.  She then points out that I'm going to be evaluated and judged a lot more when I get a new job.  Well, I know that, but I hadn't thought about it too much, and now I'm feeling anxious about that too!  I burst into tears, and then got pissed off that I couldn't stop them. 

There was a funny moment in therapy though.  Today I was feeling really anxious, like a 9 on a 10 point scale, so I decided to wear these socks that Melody gave me while I was in the hospital.  They say, "I'm too sexy to be 60." Cracks me up.  I crossed my legs which revealed the socks and Dr. K read them.  I blushed and told her that Melody bought them for me as a joke.  Dr. K said, "Well I need a pair of those!"  I laughed pretty hard. 

I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed and stressed out about everything that needs to happen in my life right now.  I have come up with somewhat of a plan.  Take care of the commitment, have surgery, then pray I get a job interview.  I have to find a way to lower my anxiety level because I'm so physically exhausted and feel sick to my stomach all the time.  I am not sure my stomach pain and nausea are because of my anxiety or related to the problem that requires surgery. 

My diary cards have actually been looking really good lately.  For the last two weeks I have had ZERO self harm impulses and ZERO suicidal ideation.  I'm doing pretty well on that end.  I'd share a picture of my diary card, but Dr. K kept it.  Dr. K is always really cute about it and does this strange little celebratory dance about it.  Kind of weird, but sweet. 

I have been feeling really sad lately.  I'm sad about the holidays.  Sad about my relationship ending, about being totally alone for the holidays again, like I was in college except this time I won't be living in my car, so that's a plus.  I'm sad about losing one of my cats in the "divorce."  There are a lot of triggers for me right now.  Maybe it's just this time of year. 

Sometimes I wonder if blogging is good for me.  The negative comments hurt a lot and often cause lots of tears.  The people who disappear from my blog after months or years of a constant presence is triggering for me also.  Blogging is a lot like foster care in that way.  So many strangers come into your life, some supportive, some abusive, some with an agenda or high expectations.  And then you're afraid to make too much of a connection with these strangers because you don't know when or why they take off when they do.  I'm always left wondering what I did or said, why they decided they don't like me anymore.  I recognize that these are just strangers behind a computer and not people I really know, but when you think about it, sometimes those are the most honest types of interactions you have with people.  It's a lot easier to be who you really are when no one is looking.  The blogosphere is a confusing place sometimes.   

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Searching for home

Returning to LA left me feeling pretty displaced which feels odd to say because I am not sure I've ever felt "placed."  I've never felt "home."  I woke up feeling anxious and sad.  Sad to leave, anxious to return to California.  I want to leave this city.  I need to leave this city.  Los Angeles is not my home and I've wasted so much of my life here for someone else.  And now I need to leave for me.  I'm not a huge city type girl.  The place I have ever felt peace was in nature, away from the busy streets, city sounds, smog, technology, obligation, people.  I need that back in my life.  It's time for me to start taking care of myself, building a future and letting go of the past, at least as much as I am able.  I have worked hard this year and I have made progress.  Progress that even I feel and notice.  But at the same time, it's exhausting.  I am constantly working, using "skills," pushing things away.  My brain is always busy, working, analyzing, forcing myself to make the best choice, which is always hard.  I feel exhausted most of the time, physically, emotionally.  I sometimes wonder if this is really progress.  I wonder if I can really sustain this long term.  I wonder if it will ever get any easier.  I wonder if the flashbacks, the nightmares, the extreme longing for love and family, the foreboding, the shame, the self hatred, and everything else will ever go away.  Will there always be this raging battle in my head?  Will I always be searching for home?

I'm really sad to be back in Los Angeles.  Lots of tears.  I feel trapped.  Like I'm running up a fast moving escalator.  I'm putting in a lot of effort, but not making any progress.  I can see where I need to go.  What's at the top.  But I can't reach it.  It's really frustrating and discouraging because the only thing that is keeping me here is money.  I need money to find a job, money to find a place to live, money to move.  I don't have any money to move, but I don't have any money to stay here either.  I need a job.  I want a job.  Please, somebody hire me soon.

I'm feeling overwhelmed with everything I know I have to do.

  • A time consuming obligation
  • Finding a job
  • Figuring out how to go to interviews if I'm ever called for any.
  • finding a new therapist
  • Finding housing
  • Figuring out how to move my stuff, my animals, and myself
  • Have surgery
  • figuring out how recover after the surgery.  Not an easy task when you don't have any family.
  • Figuring out how to find a job and have surgery.
  • Creating a life in a new part of the country.
It's easier to just stay here.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Change is scary

I've been working hard on applications for jobs in the social work field in another state.  I got an email yesterday that said that I met the qualifications and they are going to review my application.  That means I actually have a shot at getting an interview!  I'm excited and scared and everything else all rolled into one.  I've been thinking a lot lately and I am really ready to leave LA--terrified, but ready.  I want to move to a city that I've put off moving to for my ex girlfriend.  I already have a few friends there.  I have to admit that I'm a little excited that I will get to dress up my dogs in sweaters and coats for the cold weather.  Ha!

I am flying to this city tomorrow and I'm gonna get to see Melody, and another friend I haven't seen in a very long time, and my sister.  I'm filled with nervous energy.  I've been running around my apartment cleaning like a maniac trying to dispel some of it.  I even did the dishes, which is the worst chore ever.  I hate the dishes.  I'd rather clean a public restroom.

Today Dr. K and I talked about why FancyPants was effective for me.  Dr. K said that she has seen "remarkable" progress in me these last few months and thinks that I've mastered most of the DBT skills (the ones that are effective for me anyway).  There are several phases of DBT and she thinks that I am close to moving into the second phase, which focuses more on trauma therapy.  Trauma therapy is what I need, but I have to be strong enough to handle it.  Read more about the phases of dbt here:

We also talked about CT and why therapy wasn't very effective with her.  And how her behavior triggered me and vice versa.  I had this unhealthy insecure attachment to her--very similar to those I had with foster parents.  I was always worried she would dump me at any moment.  I think we should have ended therapy, but the way she terminated treatment for me left me very hurt.  It left a scare when there were many better ways she could have ended treatment with me.  I have a strong urge to write her a letter and tell her this stuff, but I won't. 

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Sliding Down the Holiday Slope

I don't know if it is just the start of the holidays or if I'm starting to slide backwards, but I have been awake all night crying.  Crying for what?  It seems like everything.  My broken record sob story about wanting a family has gotten so old for me but the pain is still very constant.  I've been awake all night thinking about all the families I could have been sharing the holidays with but won't be for whatever reasons.  And I miss these people.  Even the ones I shouldn't.

I will be totally alone for Christmas and Hanukkah (not Jewish but one of my families was) this year, like so many years of my life.  I won't have to sleep in my car like I did in college but I worry about where I will live soon this year too.  I can't find a job here in California.  I've applied for a few jobs out of state that I really want and would be really good at, but I am not feeling very confident I will get them.  My unemployment is exhausted so soon I will be without health care and I have no idea where I will live or how I will pay for it.  I want a job more than anything but I feel so defeated because I haven't been able to find one in a long time.  I lived in my car with a cat for a while before but how do I do that with two cats and two dogs?  The few friends that I have are planning their trips "home" for the holidays.  Home-- such a foreign concept for me.  And most of them are complaining about and dreading having to be with their families.  Their feelings about their families has nothing to do with me, but it hurts when they complain to me about that stuff.  I do have friends but when it all comes down to it, I'm truly alone in life.  Every time I've needed someone they leave so I don't know how I will ever trust anyone in my life.  I fear I will always feel alone, even in a room with friends.  I won't have a family this year.  I won't have a gf/bf this year.  What am I doing for Christmas and New Years?  Cat-sitting.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Girl's best friend

How is it possible to feel so lonely with such a sweet face constantly staring at me?  But I do.  I feel pretty lonely and alone and I don't know if that's my reality or just left over from my past.  Is this just a comfortable feeling that I can't shake?  I question every emotion I have lately.  Thanksgiving is a hard time for me.  It's a trauma anniversary and a family focused holiday.  I want to hide until it's over but I'm forcing myself to participate.  I've instigated a dinner with 9 other people, but I don't know all of them.  I'm even cooking the turkey.  I hope I don't poison anyone.  I also ahope I don't freak out in front of my friends. 

He follows me from room to room, staring at me with loving intensity.  When I look at him he thumps his tail on the floor.  I want to find a human who loves me half as much as this guy does.


Saturday, November 10, 2012

A strange kind of sadness

Despite the amount of stress in my life and scary unknowns, I'm feeling really hopeful about life right now.  This feeling of... What is this feeling?  This lack of feeling out of control is unknown and scary, but also really amazing.  It does come and go.  I still have waves of complete hopelessness and utter despair, but those moments have become much more tolerable and don't last nearly as long.  I can't promise I will feel this way thirty seconds after I publish this entry, but  I've never felt as capable and hopeful as I do today.  Ever.  I still have nightmares, panic attacks, flashbacks, self injury urges, but I feel like I can manage them more than I could before.  Fancy Pants and the therapists there helped me more in 7 weeks than years of therapy elsewhere.  I truly hope that I will be able to find a way to return and continue treatment there.  I'm so grateful that I was given the gift of Fancy Pants.  

I'm feeling pretty sad today, but it's a strange, unfamiliar kind of sadness.  First it's strange because it's not so all-consuming that I want to die, but it's filled with so many unknowns, fear, gratitude.  Honestly I don't know how to describe how I feel.  Things in my life need to change, and it's scary and hard, and unknown, but no matter how scared I am, things still need to change.  And I think I'm ready for change.  I'm not sure what the future holds for me or if I can handle it, but I think I'm willing to try.  I'm terrified.  My eyes well up with tears at random times when I think about it all.  I'm terrified, but I'm willing to try which is something I wasn't able to say just months ago.

This year has brought me immense pain but many gifts as well. This year has changed my life is so many ways.  Amidst the cyclone of extreme pain, chaos, and suffocating dysfunction were some pretty amazing gifts in my life.  How strange is it that someone who read my blog for a while, and then became my email friend would turn out to be my neighbor.  We lived so close that I was able to connect to my WIFI from her house.  I've been thinking about how strange it is that I met her in real life not long before I got the first set of photos.  Life gave me Melody right before it gave me something that almost killed me, and probably would have otherwise.  And how strange is it that she also recently moved to THE city I've been waiting (on someone else) to move to for years?  Life is weird.  This year also brought me Fancy Pants and the therapists there.

2012 has almost killed me but it has also brought me hope, willingness, and the feeling of capability.  For some reason all of this makes me sad.  Really sad.  Like I said, it's a strange kind of sadness.

Friday, November 2, 2012

You can make a difference and all you have to be is you.

November is Adoption Awareness month.  While it has become "fashionable" to adopt orphan babies from third world countries, people have forgotten or perhaps never even thought about the children in their own backyards.  Children that are starving for a home and a family.  I have found that many people believe that North American foster children are better off than children in other countries, but there are things that happen in foster care that people believe only happens in third world countries.  

Is it still possible for me to have a family someday.  People who don't go away when I'm not perfect?  Intellectually I know it will never happen for me and intellectually I know I need to accept this fact and try to build a life without it, but this is a near impossible feat.  It goes against nature.  A child is not meant to survive and grow up without a family.  Human beings are meant to be part of a family unit.  That's how we evolved.  I've yearned for love and family my whole life and I know I'll never get it.  All I've ever wanted was to BE wanted.  And I don't know how to to stop wanting for someone to adopt me.  For someone to want me. I'll never understand why no one ever wanted me.  Kids who aged out of foster care, age out believing that they are defective and unlovable because we grew up in a system that told us that over and over again. 

I've never known how to answer the question, "Who raised you?" because no one raised me.  I just grew up.  Alone.  No-- worse than alone.  I grew up surrounded by people.  And I grew up desperately searching for love.  I grew up surrounded by so many people who could have given me a home, love, support, a sense of belonging if they wanted to.  But I never got those things.  I grew up in a system that abused and neglected me in a society that ignored me.  I grew up invisible.  And I don't understand why.  Dogs and cats will mother orphans of a different species.  Why don't more humans take care of orphans of their own species?

Right now, in your city is a terrified little boy who hasn't been hugged in years.  There is a little girl that cries every single night for a mom.  And she's not picky.  She's not looking for a rich mom or a fancy mom.  All they want is a mom, or a dad, or both, or two moms, or two dads, or grandparents.  All that little boy and little girl wants is a home with people they can call home.

One question I was often asked as a child was:  "Who do you live with?"  And the only thing I ever wanted in the whole world was to be able to answer that question with:  "My family."

November is Adoption Awareness month.  There are hundreds of thousands of foster children right here in your country.  You don't have to be perfect.  You don't have to be rich.  You don't have to be young.  You don't have to adopt or foster.  There are many other ways to help foster children in your area.  You can make a difference in a child's life.  All you have to be is you.

Monday, October 22, 2012

today was my last day at Fancy Pants

Today was my last day at Fancy Pants.  I'm so sad.  I am very grateful for my opportunity to go and I think I've made a lot of progress in the weeks I spent there. Probably more progress than I have made in years of therapy.  I'm sad because I'm so tired of saying goodbye to everyone in my life.  I know it's irrational, but part of me feels a little abandoned by Fancy Pants.  I said goodbye to everyone and managed not to spontaneously combust when we did the goodbye ceremony.  I cried and had a panic attack right before the ceremony but I was able to keep it together during the actual ceremony.  Liz is a musician and sang a song that she wrote at the end.  Had I not known she wrote it a while ago, I could have sworn she wrote it just for me.  Conceited thought, I know.

I'm scared about what the future holds for me.  I'm still trying to find a way to pay for a couple more months at Fancy Pants, but there is just no way I'm going to find 30k a month right now.  I've tried.  I've asked what insurances will cover it, but they say it is on a case by case basis because technically they don't take any insurance.  Sometimes insurances will make a special exception for people to attend.  I think it would be way smarter financially for my insurance to spend the 30k a month for me to go to Fancy Pants because they've spent more than that these last three years for my treatment and hospitalizations.  They said that they know I need trauma treatment but they are just not willing to pay for it.

I've contacted a few lawyers to see if I have a case for a lawsuit to see if I can get Arizona to pay for my mental health care.  I'm not looking to get rich, I'm just looking for help.  Foster care hurt me pretty badly and because of the things that happened during my time in "child protective" services I have pretty severe PTSD.  And I need help.   

I was told today that people have seen enormous progress in me during my stay and I guess I see a little bit of it too.  My willingness to fight for myself is much higher.  I've felt braver and asked for help a lot more.  I have been able to cope with things much more.  They have helped pick and choose things from DBT to use and throw out the parts that I find useless.  There is a lot to throw out, but what I have kept has helped me cope, sometimes.

I really liked the people at Fancy Pants.  Never in my life have I felt so cared about by so many people for absolutely nothing in return.  But I'm so tired of goodbyes in my life.  I want Nicole to stay my therapist, even though I know she can't, even if she had her own outside practice.  I want AG, and Liz and Lyn to be in my life somehow too.  I'm tired of getting attached to people and then losing them.  I know these are just "treatment" people who are meant to be temporary but I've had to say goodbye way too often in my life.  The way CT ended treatment with me has really hurt me and my ability to trust other professionals in my life.  I worked hard to get past that at Fancy Pants and I got a little too attached to the staff there and now it hurts that I'm losing them.  While I know it will never happen for me now, I'm still waiting for the people that I don't have to say goodbye to in my life, at least not so quickly.  I desperately want someone who isn't going to dump me, or end a relationship with me, or whatever you want to call it.   

I'm scared I'm going to go back to the way I was before Fancy Pants.  I feel very alone and scared about the future.  I have to figure out a way to actually get a job and support myself with two dogs and two cats in Los Angeles by myself when my ex gf moves across the country.  Another very painful goodbye.

Right now I'm scared and sad, and truthfully this whole thing feels a lot like being kicked out of a foster home and I'm so scared that I'm going to go back to the way I was before I went to treatment.  I worked so hard these last two months and I'm scared it's going to be for nothing.  I am so exhausted with life.  Fancy Pants gave me the type of help I needed, but I'm still so far from healthy and having a life worth living.  Fancy Pants gave me so much, and for free, but I need so much more.
My horoscope today (10/23/12):

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Therapy Dog

I get to take Cooper to Fancy Pants tomorrow!  A building full of women is going to make him one very happy dog.  

Friday, October 12, 2012

One more week

I was initially told that Fancy Pants would let me stay for five more weeks, but yesterday I was told that I only have one more week left.  I know it's ridiculous and sounds so ungrateful but I'm feeling kind of abandoned.  I knew the relationship was short term but I'm feeling abandoned by Nicole and AG.  It's not rational.  I know that.  I wish I had a way to pay for treatment because I really think that I need another month or two to really make a difference in my life.  Right now I'm feeling really sad and hurt and alone.  I'm very grateful for the time I did have.  I mean, they had no reason to give me the amount of treatment they did...for FREE.  I just started feeling safe and brave enough to open up more, but now it's over.  I'm grateful, I truly am, but I know that I need more treatment....treatment beyond DBT classes (I still think DBT is crap!) and sessions with Dr. K.  Fancy Pants incorporates all kinds of practices into treatment and it's intense and I know that I can call someone anytime I need help seven days a week from 8am-10pm.  I know it's stupid but I also kind of feel like I did when I had to leave foster homes/group homes as a kid.  The same sense of abandonment and fear.  

It's a self pay program but some insurances cover it or part of it.  I wish I knew which insurance companies so I could figure out some way to sign up for them.  Or raise the money somehow...or work it off somehow.  I'm desperate for help and treatment I just can't seem to afford it. 

Monday, October 8, 2012

Mindfulness, pinky swearing, and peeing on the beach

Nicole at Fancy Pants said she thinks she wants me to stay for five more weeks.  I will stay as long as I can.  She says that she's seen a lot of changes in me and thinks I could benefit from more time there.

My last group on Friday was "mindfulness" group and we were lead through a guided meditation all about family and babies.  We were supposed to picture the a baby that we loved or the cutest baby that we've ever seen.  Then we were supposed to imagine the warmth of you mother's love.  I lasted about 40 minutes before I burst into tears and left the group.  I'm still not able to ask for help so I asked Liz if I could leave early.  She asked me if I would sit in her office and check in.  I told her that I feel really sad about the meditation and that I feel so unlovable.  Then AG came in and sat down with me to talk to.  So leaving early ended up meaning leaving 45 minutes late.  I cried about how I feel so unlovable and different and like nobody really cares about me.  She kept reminding me about people who do care about me and kept making me "check the facts" and think of people who might care about me which is helpful but also annoying when I feel like feeling bad about myself.  She said, "Do you think maybe I care about you?  And Liz cares about you?  And your friend Stacey cares about you?"  She also told me that they don't just go away when treatment ends.  I didn't question that sentence, so I don't know what that means.  I told her that I wanted to go home, go to bed and look at pictures of little C and read letters from his family and my foster moms.  She made me "pinky swear" that I wouldn't do those things.  I had been crying really hard and my hand was full of snotty tissues.

"Pinky swear?"
"I don't think you want to touch my hands right now."
"It's okay.  I can wash my hands."

So we hooked pinkies and I swore that I wouldn't do any of the things I felt like doing and I would call her for coaching at 8pm and then again on Saturday.  I asked her if she could call me at 8pm instead and she said, "Okay, but you have to promise to call me on Saturday then."  She did call me at 8pm.  I was on a walk because my neighbors were having a violent screaming match and it was really triggering for me.  My heart would jump and I would have a flashback over and over and over.  So I went on a walk.  AG called me and helped me use mindfulness and grounding to feel okay enough to go back home.

I did call her on Saturday.  A lesson I learned at Fancy Pants is don't tell them when you have a social event that you are very anxious about because then it will become "homework" for you to go to it.  Some really good friends were having a bonfire at the beach for a birthday celebration.  I love these people, but I'm kind of pathetically anxious about everything.  I called her for coaching at noon.  I wasn't able to get out of bed.  AG told me that she knows that I don't want to do anything but it's all about "behavioral activation."   So even though I felt like I couldn't get out of bed, I ended up asking a friend for coffee, shopping, and going to the bonfire.  AG asked me to text her if I went to the bonfire.  I did and here is her text back to me:  "So proud of you!!! Mindfulness.  Breathe. Count.  Use something to ground and self-soothe.  And call me if you need couching.  OH, and try and have some fun!!"  I did have fun at the bonfire.  Talked with friends.  Ate a smore.  Drank a beer even though it's against Fancy Pant's rules.  And peed on the beach.  Ha! 

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Adverse Childhood Experiences.

This is kind of depressing. 
Prior to your 18th birthday:
  1. Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often… Swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you? or Act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt? If Yes, enter 1 __
  2. Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often… Push, grab, slap, or throw something at you? or Ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured? If Yes, enter 1 __
  3. Did an adult or person at least 5 years older than you ever… Touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way? or Attempt or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you? If Yes, enter 1 __
  4. Did you often or very often feel that … No one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special? or Your family didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other? If Yes, enter 1 __
  5. Did you often or very often feel that … You didn’t have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you? or Your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it? If Yes, enter 1 __
  6. Was a biological parent ever lost to you through divorce, abandonment, or other reason ? If Yes, enter 1 __
  7. Was your mother or stepmother:
    Often or very often pushed, grabbed, slapped, or had something thrown at her? or Sometimes, often, or very often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard? or Ever repeatedly hit over at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife? If Yes, enter 1 __
  8. Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic, or who used street drugs? If Yes, enter 1 __
  9. Was a household member depressed or mentally ill, or did a household member attempt suicide? If Yes, enter 1 __
  10. Did a household member go to prison? If Yes, enter 1 __
Now add up your “Yes” answers: _ This is your ACE Score

My score?  10, which basically means I should be dead and I'm kind of screwed. 

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

How do i learn to be important to me?

I'm sitting outside crying and smoking.  I don't get why people smoke.  Its gross and makes you dizzy.  I thought its supposed to relieve stress?  Not for me I guess.  Yuck. 

I don't know how to be in relationships.  Why can't I get it?  Years of therapy and I'm no better off in that area of my life.  Today in my therapy session with Nicole we talked about the people I gravitate towards in relationships.  CT said the same thing to me as Nicole so I guess it is true.  I naturally attract people that I can take care of.  People who can't or won't take care of me because I don't know how to be a healthy amount of vulnerable in a relationship.  I get in relationships where I don't have to have needs.  I've spent my entire life trying to be important to people that I've never learned how to be important to me. 

My gf and I are in a weird...  I don't know what to call it.  I've never let myself be a burden to her.  I've stayed in a city that I'm not happy in for her...for her hopes and dreams.  I've put off graduate school for her.  I've never asked her for help or support until last year when I fell apart.  She was so surprised that I was feeling as bad as I was when I overdosed last March.  We were supposed to wait until my treatment at fancy pants was done and then try to work on us.  I've been with her nearly my entire adult will be seven years in January.  Yesterday she told me she applied to and has a second interview for a job across the country.  She applied months ago and did not tell me.  She was going to secretly set up a life, leaving me in a city that I can't afford to live in on my own with two dogs and cats at a time when I'm struggling so much.  I feel so hurt, disrespected, rejected, abandoned, and just down right unimprtant to the person I spent seven years of my life with and talked about having children before I fell apart.  I need support now.  I know its not easy on her side of all this mess right now but I have kept her out of most of it because I knew she couldn't handle it.  

I feel so lost and alone right now.  The only thing I want in this world is and I've never been able to hold on to it.  Ever.  I don't know why.  I try so hard.  I want to be with people so badly its killinng me.  I want to be important and loved.  I want that with every part of my soul.  Nicole says I have to be important to me, but I don't know how to do that when no one wants me.  How do I feel important to me?  How?  I'm working so hard but its hard to work through all this hopelessness.  I just want relationships.  I would give up all the money, power, success in the world for just one healthy, happy, fulfilling relationship.  How do I do that?  Please, someone give me the secrets.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

prosthetic family

How is it possible to so fiercely miss something you've never had?  Is it possible to ever fill this endless aching void with something less painful?  Perhaps at least a dull pain instead of the constant sharp sting?  I'm working so hard on thought stopping lately.  It's hard not to ruminate on something that hurts so much.  It's like trying to ignore the fact that you are missing your feet.  Except if I were missing my feet I could always get prosthesis.  I can't get a prosthetic family.  It feels like I'm missing a vital part of myself.  I know there are people out there who don't have good relationships with their families or don't have a family anymore, but those people at least got to grow up with that sort of connection--a grandparent, aunt uncle, parent, brother, sister, SOMEONE.  They belong/ed somewhere, even if that somewhere was really shitty.  I've spent my entire life feeling alone and unwanted.  Many foster children jump from home to home feeling so unlovable and that feeling NEVER goes away.  Perhaps it HAS become a self fulfilled prophesy.  I cannot manage to keep people in my life, not even therapists.  CT leaving has been so hard.  It still hurts--knock the wind out of me hurts.  I've been working very hard to work passed it.  I push it away, put it in a box like everyone says I should, but it keeps spilling out.  Then the spiral begins.  Why can't I even keep a therapist round.  Why doesn't anyone want me?  Blah blah blah.  It's the same painful spiral I get trapped in.  It's so frustrating.  It is really hard to keep it out of my mind.  Once something escapes the box it's hard to shut the lid again and everything else spills out.

I actually had a really good day  No flashbacks, no tears.  Minimal rumination and manageable anxiety with the help of some skills.  No gallbladder pain even if I ate.  I've been in and out of the ER a couple times with severe pain these past two weeks.  I need surgery but I don't really want to remove my organs unless I have to.  I think surgery should be the last resort, but it seems to be the only thing doctors will consider when it comes to the gallbladder.  Anyway, I've had a really good day today.  A friend and I were texting for a while tonight.  We're both insomniacs and often text late at night.  She, in a very caring way, asked me about little "C" and if I've seen any pictures lately.  She's actually met him so of course she's curious and concerned.  God, I miss him and HIS family so much.  His family was supposed to be OUR family, but I guess things don't change just because I become an adult or because I helped someone I love in such a big way.  One innocent comment from a very loving friend is all it took to knock me off my feet.  My heart literally jumped.  I had the same reaction you get when you nearly miss a car accident or when someone sneaks up behind you and yells at you.  I had this reaction to an innocent question.  Is that normal?  It doesn't seem normal.  My good day ended with sobbing.  No amount of "skills" have calmed me down.  I get so frustrated when I fail at the things that are supposed to help and make my insanely intense emotions more manageable.  I've been working so freaking hard and sometimes it feels like it's all for nothing.  I took a klonopin and a sleeping pill, so hopefully that will kick in soon.

When will it stop hurting?  Ever?  When will I stop wanting to belong to someone.  When will I stop missing the family I never had?  How do I stop feeling so alone in this world with everything on my plate all the time?  How do I stop feeling like such a freak all the time?  Even at Fancy Pants, I feel different and alone.  Many of our groups are spent talking about how frustrating it is to have parents that are too involved and want to talk to you everyday and all I can think about is how much I would love to have that problem.  When the other women/girls have what seems like big goals, mine are really stupidly simple things like knocking on the staff door and asking to check in with someone.  That was literally my goal for "goals group" last week-- to knock on the door and ask to check in or talk about what I'm feeling three times in one week.  Why is that so hard and terrifying for me?  It's so simple and yet, I can't do it.  There are so many things that are excruciating for me that are so simple and natural for everyone else.  Ugh.  I feel like such a freak sometimes. 

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Diary Cards and a Mustard Burger

I wish I had the time and energy to write more on my blog.  Fancy Pants is a lot of work.  I've been really taking it seriously, trying everything even when I find it ridiculous.  I've been practicing a lot of "opposite action" where you do the opposite of what you really want to do.  When I don't want to speak in group, I speak in group.  When I want to stay in bed, I take my dogs out, etc...  Basically I've been fighting really hard to combat my chronic case of the "fuck-its."

I really really like my therapist at Fancy Pants.  I'm already feeling sad that she won't be my therapist after I leave the program.  I called her last night for "coaching" when my sister kept calling me.  Talking to my sister is extremely upsetting for me because she's so lost in her schizophrenia right now.  She also wants to talk about our bio mother, which sends me spiraling and makes me vulnerable to flashbacks.  Nicole told me that talking to my sister is the equivalent to emotional cutting and told me that I needed to set more limits.  I tried to do what Nicole said and ignored my sisters calls and text messages, but she kept calling me and I was feeling extremely guilty and anxious about it.  So I called Nicole who helped me figure out how to let my sister know I care about her and still take care of myself.  She keeps telling me that I need to take care of myself first, but I don't know what to do because my sister is so lost right now.  She believes that her University hacked the "computer in her car" and is tracking her every move.  She thinks there are subliminal messages in absolutely everything.  I'm so sad and scared for her.  

For lunch at Fancy Pants today we had burgers (veggie and non-veggie) and Nicole got a veggie burger.  I told her that I love mustard but I really hate ketchup.  She said, "oh, me too!  I love mustard."  And she wasn't kidding.  She must have put like 1/4 cup of mustard on her burger.  I started giggling at the amount of mustard she put on the top of her bun, but then she lifted her veggie burger up and put some on the bottom too.  I laughed.  So did she, but she also said, "I'm feeling very judged.  Don't judge me.  I like mustard."  I just giggled and took a bite of my kale salad.  She left and came back a moment later.  She dropped my diary card on my bag.  "Here's your diary card.  I'm not talking to you."  She said in a teasing voice.  "What, I didn't say anything!"  As she walked away she said, "It's all in the body language."  I said, "Whatever, enjoy your mustard burger."

Here is my diary card.  Fancy Pants does this a little differently than other places.  The "targets" are my goals.  I have to have two pages of targets.  Extra crazy I guess.  :-)  I don't know if Fancy Pants is helping me or not, but I haven't had a flashback in two days!  I have been having flashbacks several times a day for a couple years.  I had a panic attack yesterday, but they are way down too.  Is it weird that feeling better makes me very anxious?

I've been having a lot of ups and downs, but I think I'm doing okay.  I have some gallstone issues right now and have been doing a lot of home remedies for that.  I've ingested more apple cider vinegar, probiotics, and peppermint tea than any one person should.  

Monday, September 17, 2012

got this in the mail today

Feeling pretty sad about it.  Why did she dump me after 2 and half years?  I still don't understand.

 I have to contact her about some other unrelated stuff but it was so hard for me that I had to ask Dr. K to do it for me.

I'm such a baby that when I opened my mailbox this morning and saw an envelope from her, the tears exploded from my ducts.   

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Disco Therapy

Last night I called Nicole for "coaching."  I've never done that before, not even with Dr. K.  It was strange and hard to call her and tell her how I was feeling and that I needed help.  The advice she gave me seemed stupid and silly, but I decided to actually try it.  And while I felt stupid the whole time, I did not cut or drink or take NyQuil.  It really sucked, but I don't hate myself for the choices I made. 

Today during "Mindfulness Group" we played the Bee Gees, "Staying Alive" with a disco ball and everything.  The therapist danced.  I twirled a mini disco ball dangling from my finger and watched the light dance.  I'm serious.  I don't know how that counts as therapy but I felt light and silly for an hour today.   

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

A Case of the F-its.

Nicole is my therapist at Fancy Pants.  She's super laid back and caring.  She wears these super long wispy skirts and sandals.  Very Los Angeles hippy-esk.  She makes me laugh and explains or changes things in DBT so that I can understand or accept them.  She told me to change "Everything happens for a reason" and "Everything is as it should be" to something more like "Everything is what it is."  Not everything happens for a reason but it has already happened and I can't change it.  I can only learn to accept it and stop trying to fight it. 

I've been having a very hard time with CT dumping me the way she did and just being at Fancy Pants is hard for me.  I'm the only one there that doesn't smoke.  I'm the only one there that doesn't live at Fancy Pants.  The only one that doesn't have parents spending tens of thousands of dollars for me to be there.  Everyone at Fancy Pants flew in from around the country, and a couple are even from Canada, to go to Fancy Pants.  So I guess Fancy Pants is Super-duper Fancy Pants.  I feel a little out of place and it's a full 8 hour day of groups.  Sometimes my anxiety becomes more than I have skills to cope with and I end up melting into a giant mess on the floor.

Last Friday, I was hiding and crying in an empty room during one of my group times.  I've done this a couple times since being at Fancy pants.  Nicole came in the room.  "Ah ha!  I'm going to put a sign on this door, 'Campbell's Hiding Spot!' if you keep hiding in here."  She sat on the floor while I pushed myself as far into the giant black leather sofa as possible and cried, upset about everything.  CT, flashbacks, not having a job...  I also did something I am ashamed of and do not even have memory doing right before I was taken to the hospital a few weeks ago and it has some consequences that I still have to deal with.  I've been feeling really anxious and upset about it and kind of hopeless.  I said something like, "What's the point anyway.  I'm too fucked up to be helped anyway."  I was sobbing pretty hard.  And Nicole's response was, "Uh oh, sounds like we've got a case of the Fuck-its."  I swear the tears stopped in the middle of my cheeks and I began to laugh.  "The what?"  Nicole laughed and said, "The fuck-its."  I couldn't stop giggling.  Laughing and crying at the same time.  She then started talking about mindfulness and going to my last group which was a "mindfulness outing."  I asked, "Can I mindfully go home and crawl in bed instead?"  She laughed at me and said, "No, now get your butt up and go to group."  I like her. 

Sunday, September 9, 2012

on trust and CT

When CT decided to suddenly end therapy with me, she said she was doing it for my best interest.  I don't know if that's what she really felt or if there were other reasons she just didn't want to tell me, but how she ended it was not at all in my best interest.

As a little girl I always felt unsafe, that any minute my home and the people that I cared about would suddenly disappear.  And I felt this way because my home and the people I cared about DID suddenly disappear often.  42 times too often.  As a result, trust and feeling safe have become nearly impossible for me.  Any amount of trust feels like a huge scary leap for me.  And I do mean ANY amount.  Even the smallest things most people don't have to think about are hard for me.  Like making plans with someone.  That's hard for me because I distrust that they will actually follow through with those plans.  I distrust their motives behind these plans.  So the plan becomes a bigger event for me than the other person because of the level of difficulty it takes for me to trust in absolutely anything.  Does this friend really want to go to dinner or do they just feel sorry for me?  Is this friend going to flake on me?  What will happen at dinner?  What if they get tired of me at dinner?  A simple plan to get dinner with a friend provokes intense fear and anxiety in me.  I don't trust what people say.  I don't trust that people care about me.  I don't trust that people won't hurt me.  I have come to expect them to hurt me and am always worried about it.  THAT is how hard it is for me to trust anyone.  I can't even make plans with friends without intense anxiety that they will abandon me.  It's fucking obnoxious!

When I finally felt comfortable and safe in a home and with my new care takers as a little girl in foster care, I would be moved.  And it would devastate me.  So it was even harder in the next home, which made it harder in the next home, and so on.  I became a soldier, on constant watch for the impending attack.  I push people away because I'm scared they are going to leave me.  I push people away because my feelings scare me.  I don't want to care about people and I don't want to feel cared about by people.  Well, no, I do want those things, but the soldier in me is always on guard.

Every single caretaker I ever had abandoned me as a child.  Every single one.  Imagine your mother or father giving you away because they couldn't or didn't want to take care of you.  Now imagine the next mother or father doing the same thing, and the next, and then the next, and then the next, etc...  There must be something wrong with me.  Why else couldn't anyone care for me?  Why else would I have to move so often?  Well else would I be dumped by everyone I ever loved?  I am desperate for love, but I can't trust anyone and I hate myself for being such a fuck up.  I ruin absolutely everything in my life.  EVERYTHING.

Therapy isn't all that different for me.  A therapist is a caretaker in a way.  People go to a therapist for help.  People show their therapists things they don't show other people.  They are very vulnerable with a therapist.  They need to be able to trust their therapists.  Therapy was a very very difficult thing for me.  It still is.  I always felt like cancelling or just not showing up, but I didn't.  I don't think I ever once missed an appointment with CT in two and a half years.  I went even when it felt impossible to go.  CT and I didn't have the smoothest relationship, but that actually helped me trust her more.  When she didn't dump me after our first struggle, I felt a little bit safer.  Eventually I felt safe with CT.  I felt attached to CT.  I trusted CT.  So when CT suddenly decided that she couldn't or wouldn't see me anymore, it hurts just as much as when my foster parents sent me away.  I feel stupid for trusting her.  I feel stupid for caring about her.  I feel stupid for believing that she cared about me.  She gave my immense fear of abandonment a feast.  People have told me that she was "just" my therapist.  That's true, but the word "just" is really unfair.  She's the first person I let myself be vulnerable with, and on a regular basis.  She was the first person I could expect to see regularly.  The first person I could rely on to always be there.  She was the first person I told my secrets to.  She was the only person I trusted with the must vulnerable and scary parts of me.  The parts I don't let people see because I'm afraid they will run away.  And after years of work just to feel safe, she ran away.  She said she couldn't take care of me anymore.  She abandoned that little girl inside me at a treatment center, just like so many before her.  

Not even a therapist will stick around in my life.  What's wrong with me???

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Cant get out of bed

I've been in bed since Friday afternoon.  I've only been able to get up to use the bathroom. 

Tomorrow I'm supposed to have a phone session with CT but I don't really want to anymore.  She doesn't want me.  No one wants me for very long.  I guess not even therapists are immune to whatever is wrong with me.

I wish I was dead.

Friday, August 31, 2012

Themes and triggers

Very common theme from my childhood:

  • People are paid to care about me, but say they really care about me despite the money.  
  • People suddenly dump me and I never really understood why.  They give vague reasons about it being for my own good.
  • No one ever asked me what I thought was best for me.
  • Bounced and shuffled around because no one knew what to do with me.
  • Always the new kid in the middle of the school year.  Have no friends and have no idea what's going on.  Always felt like a freak because I was poor and a foster kid.  I don't know whats going on because I've missed most of the year and have no idea what's going on.

What's going on for me RIGHT NOW as an adult:

Someone paid to care about me said that she really cared about me and not just because it was her job.

She suddenly dumped me and I really do not understand why.  She says it's because it's for my best interest.  She told me on Sunday she'd call me on Monday but didn't.  She called me today to tell me that the five more sessions she promised last Sunday won't happen.  She will talk to me on the phone next Monday and possibly Wednesday but no more.

She thinks she's helping me but she's hurting me.  This is hurting me.  She's doing what she thinks is right but I'm not a textbook.  I'm not a theoretical patient.  I'm a real human being with unique circumstances.  This is triggering and traumatic.  This is hurting me.  I cried so hard that I vomited after talking to CT today.  She's hurting me.  You might think she's helping me too, but this is not in my best interest.  This is not what is going to help me.

I've been  shuffled between hospitals, program to program, and doctors and therapists.  Each one doing what they think is in my best interest.  NO ONE HAS ASKED ME WHAT I THINK even after I tell them that I want them to.  When I tell them what I feel is in my best interest it is ignored.

I started a treatment program that is like a school but everyone lives there so it's like a mixture between a group home and a school.  Except they've all been there for a long time and I'm way behind in everything.

Everyone there is very rich.  Like so rich this 21 year old just bought private beach front property in orange county.  She's decided to move to California after spending so much time here at FancyPants.  I do not have money.  I do not have family.  I'm the freak and the new girl who doesn't know what's going on.

I'm the freak in the group.  They are all very nice, but also very clueless.  They've made adoption jokes and one girl asked me if foster care is similar to animal rescue where you can go pick out the kid you want.  I didn't know what to say because in some ways it is.  I'm so behind everyone and they all use these terms that I don't know, like "SUDS."  "Campbell, what are your suds right now?"  I'm expected to know these skills that I don't know.  And we do stupid "outings" which are very "group home."  Today we went to Barnes and Noble on a "Mindfulness outing."  Give me a break.  This was an Oh-shit-I-didn't-plan-an-activity group.  It was a waste of time.  It's a good think I know a little about about mindfulness and DBT already otherwise I'd be so fucking lost. 

Monday, August 27, 2012

At FancyPants

With a little help from my little pain and panic friend sent to me by Melody. Thank you!

Saturday, August 25, 2012

CT called...

I finally stopped crying and managed to get out of bed, have my unemployment phone interview and have my benefits reinstated, and then go buy cat food.  My eyes look like crab apples, but I went out anyway because my picky cats need their very specific canned food or they won't eat.  I got the food and then went and got some drinks at the grocery store.  I was going to sand and paint this old shelving unit I trash picked months ago...  And then CT called.  She said she'd continue to have phone sessions with me once a week during the 30 day program to give me more of a transition if I agree to go fancy-pants, but then I still have to find a different trauma therapist.  She kept saying that there is no negotiating this and she's really sorry that I'm so hurt.  She feels very strongly about this and it's her ethical duty or something.  I don't see why I don't have a say in this.  Why don't I get to have a say in what is best for me?  I'm so tired of people deciding what is best for me without asking me what's best for me!  What is best for me is some fucking stability and people I can trust to stick around.  I'm so tired of people leaving me.  I just can't handle it anymore.  It's so hard for me to trust people and I trusted her.  Just because I get angry and feel like quitting therapy once in a while doesn't mean I'm not devastated now, even if my friends think it's kind of stupid and that this wasn't a real relationship anyway.  I'm fucking devastated.  I takes a ton of effort for me to trust people and I put in a lot of work with her and she's leaving me anyway.  This is kind of the last straw.  I'm so tired of people leaving me.  I feel so completely broken.  I think these past two years are the worst two years of my life.  At least my adult life anyway.  I'm so fucking tired.  I can't do this anymore.  I don't have anything left.  My voice is hoarse from sobbing so much.  My face is a water balloon.  I really just want to die.  I've taken a whole MG of klonopin and I still can't manage to quell the tears. 

I fuck up everything in my life.  I fucking despise myself.  I'm sure you are all so tired of reading this shit.  But this is all I've got.  It's all my life is.  It's all I am.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Over Capacity

I am over capacity.  Everyone leaves.  No one wants me.  People say they want me, but I know it's not true.  And it's never true for very long.  I have nobody that understands me.  No one to talk to.  Dr. K keeps calling me but she just scolds me about the treatment program.  I want her to call CT and change her mind, but I know CT won't change her mind.  She's tired of me.  You know you're pretty fucked up when you even drive your therapist away.

My whole life has been about loss and instability.  These past twelve months alone I've lost more than most people do in their whole lives.  And I freely admit it's my own damn fault.  My mother is correct.  There is something wrong with me.  I'm a fucking vile creature.

I just want someone who gets it.

Who understands.  Who gets me.  Who knows what it's like to grow up in abusive foster home after abusive foster home and be thrown away at 18.  I want someone who knows what it's like to survive severe physical abuse by many different adults in their lives.  To have their own mother go to prison for felony child abuse.  I want someone who knows what it's like to be violently raped at a very young age by someone you loved very much.  Someone who knows what it's like to be okay with the rape as long as you could be part of the family.  I want someone who gets what it's like to be sent your own child pornography.

I want someone who knows what it's like to feel so much anxiety around people now as an adult.  To worry about everything you do and say and everything someone else does and says because you are afraid of doing the wrong thing and being dumped or that you are going to be hurt.

I want someone who knows what it's like to feel so unsafe in the world because so many different people have hurt you.  Who knows that monsters are hidden everywhere and in everyone.

I want someone who knows what it's like to not be able to sleep for days at a time and then to have intense nightmares when you finally do sleep.  Someone who knows what it's like to hate yourself with so much passion that you wish someone would literally come beat you.

I want someone who knows what it's to be so fucked up and know it, but feel so unable to change it.  Who knows what it's like to work extremely hard in therapy...spending practically the majority of your free time in therapy or doing other therapeutic things and have people tell you that you need to WANT to get better and that you need to TRY to get better.

Does anyone know what it's like to be so screwed up and unwanted in life?  To have lived in a million foster homes and have absolutely no one?  Is there anyone out there?

Some people think they understand because they grew up in toxic families.  While I know they have real powerful pain about that, it's not the same and they just don't get it.

I feel so alone in the world and I'm incapable of forming any kind of relationships.  I am too screwed up.

Does anyone know what it's like to spend every waking moment dreaming about the day you will die?  And that you dream this because it's less painful than the dreams of family and belonging you used to have and know will never come.

The truth is I will always be alone.  I don't have a family.  I have very few friends.  And I keep those friends at a distance because I can't let people in or they take off.  I can't even keep therapists around.  I'm too screwed up for therapy!!

Feeling alone and unwanted is what is killing me.  It's not the rape or the physical abuse.  I suffer from those things too.  Never being wanted and knowing that no one ever will is what is killing me.  No one wants me.  Not all of me.  Therapists don't want me.  Families don't want me.  Friends don't want me.  No one wants me and yes, for those readers out there that have made it pretty clear that you think I'm a pathetic lying creep, I know it's my fault.  I know that I'm a fucked up loser.

No one wants me.  No one understands me.  And I just want out.  I really truly do.  I've been in the hospital twice in like less than a month and I've got nothing to show for it.  I'm not any better.  I'm not any closer to any kind of life worth living, as they say in dbt.  I don't want a life worth living anymore.  I don't say this for sympathy or attention.  I say this because it's the truth.  I don't want to try anymore.  I'm exhausted.  I can't climb or hold myself up anymore.

No one has ever wanted me.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Screw you Lonnie in San Diego

I am so tired of being called a liar. Why does everyone call me a fucking liar? My whole life I've called a liar. Why? Why doesn't anyone ever believe me? My whole life is one big fucking lie. My whole life is one big fucking mistake.  God, I can't fucking do this anymore.  I just can't.

Last time I was put on a 14 day hold I wasn't offered a hearing until four days after the hold started.  I wasn't offered voluntary care.  I had a patient advocate meet with me for literally three minutes before meeting began.  So fuck you for thinking you know everything just because you can google 5150 and 5250 laws.

To address your last comment that I deleted:  If I am not allowed to leave, it is very much against my will.

I ruin everything I touch

I ruin everything in my life.  I fuck up everything in my life.  Everyone leaves and it's my fault.  I'm a pathetic piece of shit.  I can't even keep professionals in my life.  No one wants to stay in my life.  Ever.  Fuck, even my outdoor cat won't come home because he loves my neighbor more.  I've asked my neighbor to stop feeding him, giving him water, and letting my cat in his house because I love my fucking cat and want him to come home.  This dude once had 20 cats until the city took them all away from him.  So I guess now he's stealing my cat from me.  Might as well.  My animals deserve better parents.

Everyone gives up on me.  EVERYONE.  I will always be a lonely fuck up.  ALWAYS.  I saw CT today even though I told her I wouldn't.  I sobbed so fucking hard and made strange sounds that I wasn't aware I could make.  I broke my favorite sunglasses.  I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs.  I did in the car a few times.  It didn't help me feel any better.  CT doesn't care about me or what I want.  She's done.  But you know..."for my own good."  I think what's in my best interest is having someone who doesn't give up on me and sticks around for once in my whole fucking life.  That's what's in my best interest. 

I think I'm going to drive back to Arizona.  Gather up some party favors and then disappear into the tiny house with rubber ducky tiles.  Fuck therapy.  This will be my therapy.  This will be my salvation.  Last night I dreamed that I got super high, drew and wrote on the those white walls with my blood, guzzled down some magic potion in a whiskey bottle (it was a dream) and then set the house on fire before I tucked myself into my old bed, cuddled up to Tim's body.  I'm not even sure if he was supposed to be dead or alive in this dream.  I fell asleep and my ashes became part of the burned down house.  What kind of fucked up person dreams of this shit?  Me.

So here I am... minus a girlfriend, therapists, and a treatment program.  I have nothing.  I am alone.  I will always be alone.  I will never have people stick around in my life because it's fucking impossible to love me, care about me, and stick around.  I'm a fucking fuck up.  I'm nothing.  I've got nothing.  No support system.  Not really.  Not beyond my blog and text messaging.

Everyone gives up on me, so why should I keep going?

It's over.

Where I was born.

multiplied by 42
Where I died. 

I told Fancy-pants that I am very appreciative and grateful for their offer, but I declined to take it.  I am finished with Partial tomorrow.  I no longer have any therapists.  Everyone else gives up on me.  Why should I keep trying?  I'm done trying.