Monday, December 12, 2011

Tears, fears, and letters part 1

Back story links:

I have been corresponding with my former foster mom since she emailed me on Thanksgiving. 

Excerpt from Facebook email:
I am here for you when you want I 've told you that. I would love to have you in my life again, I know that things take time, And I also know that you can't be pushed into something, That you take allot of time to go forward with something. That is why I'm saying I was leaving it up to you to know what you want and how much forward we should go with this. Wait until your ready.

I'm sorry if coming back into your life caused you problems, That is not what my intent was. I also cried for you I missed you so much, You were my daughter and I felt for years that I screwed things up. It did change my life, I didn't want to get close to any other kids, I kept a distance from all other kids that came into my life.
I know that you have mixed feelings, and that is ok. I am here and I will let you go at your own pace like I said. I will not push you into a relationship your not ready for. But that doesn't mean I don't care or I don't want this, All it means is that I want you to feel comfortable with this. I also don't want to get hurt, But I know that it is possible for you to reject me, and I'm willing to find out.

All I want is to know that your doing good. And I would love to talk to you laugh with you be there for you. I'm actually a really nice person and would not intentially do anything to hurt anyone. I may not do things right and I make mistakes but I would not do anything to harm anyone on purpose

How would you think a more profound way would be? Tell me what you think is best for you.

My response:

I don't think of you as a bad person. I never thought you were a bad person.  I'm simply expressing my mixed emotions and confusion and devastation about what did and did no happen when I was yours. I have a lot of questions and need a lot of answers.  I can get over the small stuff, the hurt feelings of dramatic times in the house. No one is perfect and I totally understand that. The part that I am having trouble with is how it all ended.

Part of me is really excited that you found me because you were my "mom" the longest in my life if you exclude my real mom and maybe even if you don't.  I know I wasn't an easy kid. I had a good share of problems that you had to put up with, selective mutism, eating problems, bed wetting, sleep walking, panic attacks.  I know all of that couldn't have been easy with four or more other kids to deal with.  I wanted so badly for you to adopt me. I wanted my name to be changed to yours so very badly. I thought you wanted me too. I realize things were more complicated than I probably understand, but all I have are my feelings and my child experiences and memories, as flawed as they may be.

Occasionally, I still cry when I think about that time. I cried for you for so long. I wept for my second mom to want me and come save me.  I cried for the boys and the girls.  I even cried for Tim. I loved him when I was little which probably makes no sense. I even cried for Pugsly and my pigeons, and that little pig, Oliver or something. I cried for my tree fort and all the tomboy adventures I had back there.  I cried for my school and for my friends and my bed. I missed A so much. S too, but A and I were buddies.  I miss playing Barbie monster truck with him and dressing him up like a girl.  I really missed making cookies with you and 4-h and having someone who cared about me.  I missed doing crafts with you and running around the yard and neighborhood all day long.  I was never again allowed to run around and play outside.  I certainly never had a farm full of animals again or goats to headbutt and giant pigs to cuddle and wild angry peacocks to run from for dear life.  I could never run out in the ran and catch toads and tiny frogs and snakes and do stupid things like poke beehives with sticks.  I could never go outside and come back completely brown and crusty from all the dirt and mud I rucked around in.  I never again had someone I could just randomly run up to for a hug or someone who sat with me and talked me through my panic attacks.  I never ever had a home or a mom again.  I never had you again.

Even if you meant to or not, I was abandoned. It feels good to hear you say you wanted me back and it hurts so badly to hear you say you wanted me to be your daughter.  That time was very traumatic and confusing for me. I was so scared and lost and confused. Within one month I lost my family, my home, my school, my best friend, went to a hospital for over a month, my sister was adopted and moved away, my brother and sister were moving back to the middle east and suddenly I was totally alone in life. They told me you didn't want to be in my life anymore. I begged to write letters and have visits. They said you didn't want them--that you didn't want me anymore.

I was never told that you wanted me back, but I wouldn't have been able to go back with you. Think about it. Either I was a child that was being abused in your home or I was a child who lied about being abused in your home with a lot of unexplained medical trauma. Either way, I seriously doubt I would have been able to return to you. It was so unfair to totally abandon an obviously traumatized mentally and medically fragile child that way.  I was abandoned.  You abandoned me, not CPS.  I feel abandoned because you could have kept in contact with me if you really wanted to. You could have fought harder for me. You could have believed me and protected me and chose me.  I'm sure you would have for S or A but I guess it's different because I wasn't really yours. I don't know. Still, you could have written me letters, called me, visited me. I know you could have and you knew how to contact my case worker. Why didn't you want to stay in my life? I'm not angry when I say this, I'm just really sad and confused.  Actually I'm devastated and destroyed.

I'm not upset that you contacted me.  I was just really confused because you seemed to drop into my life out of the blue and then left when I responded with anger and sadness.  It's confusing and painful for me.  I'm not sure if it's lucky or unlucky that you reconnected with me when you did last year. On one hand I would not have been receptive to it any time before then. I would have freaked out and deleted my email address, so the timing was right on that part, but I had just began therapy and just opened up all that trauma and pain so the timing was wrong for that part. Maybe it's not very fair of me, but I feel angry that you didn't protect me before, during or after you knew, even if you didn't believe me. What I wrote in that journal entry was so very benign because I think some part of me hoped you would read it and then make him stop without having to get anyone in trouble or move away.  I was a stupid stupid stupid kid. If you refused to believe the story I wrote in that diary, how would you ever believe the truth? I still don't think you'd believe the truth and I have absolutely no reason to lie about it. What would be the point? He's dead and before he died in January I'm pretty sure the statute of limitations had expired. Tim should have gone to prison for very very along time.

What I'm trying to say is I don't think it's possible to just let time fix things like you keep saying. There's been over a decade of time. Time isn't going to fix anything. It's not really feasible to just start over with our history. You know? I know people make mistakes and I know I'm not really your daughter but I really wanted to be and I really wanted you to keep me and make me yours like you promised. I think in order to have a relationship there has to be some sort of work and I honestly don't think you are up for that. I'm not able to just think positive thoughts and get over least not right now. I live with consequences from the past. I have complex PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, major depression, and night terrors. My childhood sucked before, during, and after my time with you.

As far as pictures go, I would absolutely freaking love to have pictures. I don't really have any pictures of me from the ages of 5-10. It's okay if you don't have any, but if you do, I would love them. You can just mail me the box (I'll pay postage) and I will sort through them, make copies for myself and mail you the box back. Videos would be so amazing too. I can burn them into DVD's and send you copies too. If you don't have any of me with you guys, that's okay. I'll get over it.

Do I want a relationship with you? Yeah, I think I do. Do I think we can have a relationship? I'm not sure. Not without some sort of therapeutic work of some kind and I am pretty sure you're not up for that much work. I guess I really need to be genuinely heard, believed, and have my story and feelings validated. I guess I need to understand why you just left me without any contact and never reached out to me until last year.

Her response:

I understand that this is hard for you. And I don't know really how to fix things. I messed up, If the same thing happened today I could probley deal with it and fight for you. Back then there was so much going on between tim and I you don't know about. I was not sure of myself and didn't know how to fight for things I wanted.

I can't let you say things like if it was S or A I would have done different. I always felt of you as my child just like J and C. I really thought I was doing the right thing. Now looking back your right there was probley allot more I could have done. I will have live with that, and I'm sorry that it hurt you so much. I can't fix it. I can't give excuses. I can't change what happened. I can't make you not angry with me. All I can do is ask for forgiveness. And if you can't do that then I will have to except that.

I don't what you want me to do, Its not fair to say I'm not up to a little work. We live so many miles from each other and that makes it hard,

I do hear you, and I do believe you And all the other stuff I have no excuses, not anything that would make you understand anyway, I can say all kinds of things all kinds of reasons, and none of them would make sense to you. Because you do feel like I abanded you. 

I don't know if this can be fixed, I'm hopeful that it can. I understand if it is to much for you to deal with, I would be very sad but I can understand . The greatest thing that could happen is if we could get past this and go forward. Yes it will be hard Yes we will have to talk about things. But it could all be good.

I realize that I sound kind giberish going from here to there with my words, but this is hard for me, I'm, so terrible putting my feelings down and making any

Know matter what happens I do love you and that will never change. You may say I don't know you, and yes I don't know you today, but I fell in love with you and that will never change you may be different now but you are still my girl and that does not change!

Part two REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY SUCKS.  I've been crying for hours.