Monday, December 12, 2011

Tears, fears, and letters part 2

I ended up talking with Maggie for over 12 hours on and off on Facebook email.  I had therapy with Dr. K at 2:15 where I cried really hard.  I've cried really hard all day today since 4AM when the correspondence first began.  I cried so hard that I got this weird intense headache in my teeth.  I ran around my apartment tearing through the cabinets, sniffling, wiping my eyes, and searching for anything that had some kind of pain killer in it.  I couldn't find anything so I took "back ache" pills.  What the heck are those?  And then I drank some wine.  I haven't eaten anything all day so that ended up backfiring on me.  Eventually I went out and got some Ibuprofen and now I feel okay, just extremely exhausted.

Anyway, here are the rest of the facebook messages.  I am not proud of a lot of my responses, but this stuff is raw and painful for me and as some of you know, I can be pretty sensitive and feisty with comments and emails. I don't know if I'm being selfish or childish.  Maybe I am.  I just really need her to prove to me that she's going to put in some effort and not walk away.  I don't know why I can't start over with her like she wants me to.  She keeps saying that I need to focus on the positive and that I need to step in the future and step out of the past, but I don't know how to do that when the past keeps attacking my present.  I want a mom and a family so badly and I've dreamed of my her coming to rescue me for years.  I dreamed of having my brothers back and being part of a family.  But I can't just pick up where we left off because where we left off destroyed me.  I know what my heart aches for--my mom, but I know why my heart hurts--my mom that left me and protected her husband instead of me. 

Yep I'm posting my ugly puffy face
Here is my response to her email:
Maybe I won't understand your reasons. Maybe I won't accept them, but for some reason I really need to hear why you were able to walk away from me. I'm sure it wasn't easy for you and I know you can't change it, but I have to know why you abandoned me.

I didn't mean it to hurt your when I said it would have been different if it were S or A. I just know it would have been. I didn't mean it to say that you didn't care about me. I just know that people fight for their bio children a lot harder than they can for other children.

I am a lot different today. I'm not a little girl anymore and I'm a pretty F'ed up adult today. I didn't mean to say that you are not willing to work with me I'm just saying I think it might be more work than you are able to cope or deal with. I don't get over things very easily, especially not this type of thing. I don't trust people easily especially not after they've hurt me so deeply before.

I hear your apologies and I know they are sincere, but can you understand why I would be so scared and so hurt and so confused by all of this? I wouldn't still be talking to you if I didn't want more to come of this, but I do need to have some kind of answers....the honest answers even if you think I won't like them or understand them.

I guess I've been struggling my whole life because I don't understand why everyone leaves me. What is so wrong with me that no one wants me? Why didn't anyone keep me? I tried so hard to be a good kid. Sometimes I'm so angry that I said anything about the rape and molestation because I'm not sure it was worse than the alternative. I guess I don't understand why no one fights for me or sticks around when things get hard. I'm trying not to dump all of my hurt and pain from what happened before and after you onto you but I'm not sure how to separate it all. It's all connected for me. It's not fair but fuck I don't understand why no one wanted/wants me and I don't understand why you didn't choose me. I cannot even pretend to know what it was like for you. I'm sure it was devastating. This little bit of painful correspondence has helped me a little. It's helped me to know that you cared about me back then. It feels good that you wanted to seek me out so many years later but it also hurts that it's soooo many years later.

I look at those pictures of all your kids together often and I cry every single time. That was supposed to be my family. I was supposed to be in those pictures and I'm not and while I can try to rationalize why, I just don't understand. I know what Tim did to me was not your fault and I don't blame you. I'm so devastated that you didn't believe me. I wish you had told me that you believed me and that I had to move for my own protection or something and then kept in contact with me. I wish you could have said that even if it was a lie. I know there is nothing you can do to take it all back, but I don't know how not to stop yearning for you to come rescue the little girl I used to be.

I know all these feelings and anger I am throwing at your desire to bring me back in your life must be really painful and hurtful and scary. And I'm sorry about that. I just don't know how to pretend or feel like none of that matters anymore because right now it matters so much more than I think you can realize or that I can explain.

I loved you so much and loving people was really scary for me as a kid. I want to say I love you now and maybe part of me does, or wants to otherwise why do I keep writing to you and sobbing over and over again? I guess if I didn't, I wouldn't be trying to find a way to have you in my life , but I don't really know you anymore and I'm terrified of being abandoned and really hurt again.

I'm just not sure anything can get better without some kind of loooong face to face talking and I'm not sure that's going to happen, at least not anytime soon.
Her response:
I think your right we do need to see each other face to face and you need to see S and A again. They also think of you allot you were there sister. I will not be going to Tucson until January and that is going to depend on the weather here. But maybe we can figure a way to see each other. Or maybe you can take a trip here and then we could have quality time together. and really work this out. I believe that you and I would feel better about things if we could do that. And if you came here there is someone else who would like to see you and that is Grandma Y_____. Remember her?

I know that you would except me again if we could put closure to all the bad stuff in our lives. Because sweaty you are and was always a great girl and its not that you were not wanted you always have been!!

Lets really work at working something out to see each other Please!! It will be worth it!

Love you, I really do!
My response:
All I remember of your mom is that she bought me a huge box of barbies and that she let her dog had a place setting and ate at the table.

I can try to come out to see you but I really need you to be the one who comes to me...maybe go see my therapist with me or something.  I know it makes it difficult and complicated.
 Her response:
Well to be honest my husband doesn't do well without me here. He has heart problems and he doesn't take real good care of himself when I'm not with him.

Yeah I remember Pancake was soooo spoiled.... She passed away a few years ago.
And by the way Please don't think your not important but I just have to think of him. I'm sorry but I do .

My responses:
What about your trips back to Tucson?
Never mind. It doesn't matter.

Her response:
I know this doesn't sound good but He is such a wonderful person and I love him also. And we are getting older and if anything should happen to him it would kill me. He has been a wonderful help to me emotionally Please try and understand.
I understand.  But it feels like you're choosing your husbands inability to take responsibility over his own health instead of me. Maybe it's immature and childish, but it feels like you are choosing someone over me again. Like you're choosing your husband over me again.  Hurts. Sorry.
He does take responsiblility for his health, It is just when I'm here I make sure he is doing good. I had a feeling you would feel this say when I wrote it but I am trying to do the best, You I haven't even seen the kids in a year because I feel this way.
it's been well over a decade since you've seen me. I guess that doesn't matter as much. I know it seems really stupid to you, but I really need you to be the one who seeks me out...who comes looking for me.  It's okay if you can't or don't want to. I get it, but I can't keep playing this emotional yoyo game with you.
Oh my gosh I did come looking for you!! And this is crazy I would love to see you in some ways you are being a little unfair. I do understand what you are saying but I also have obligations I'm sorry I',m asking for to much from you to understand where I'm comming from Its not fair of me.
Maybe it's unfair, but it's what I need. What happened to me was really unfair. A lot more unfair than asking you to come to California for a couple of days. I didn't say he couldn't come. You just found a reason not to come see me and that really hurts. You didn't ask. You just said no.  It's okay if you can't or won 't do that for me.  Please don't say you came looking for me. Finding me on facebook when I'm in my 20's isn't exactly the same thing.  I get you have obligations. I told you I would need more than you are able to give. Maybe I'm asking a lot, but you left me so I need you to come find me. Stupid? Maybe. Immature? Probably. Selfish? I'm sure it is. It's not exactly easy for me to leave either. I have dogs and one who has health problems that means everything to me too. Maybe he's just a dog, but he's my family. I don't have money and I've been unemployed since the summer. I get my job back in January so I have to take that into account too with scheduling.  I need to know you are willing to be put effort into fixing this in order to even begin to try to be part of it.
 I didn't ask about him coming because it wouldn't give us the time we need. This is hard because I loose both ways. no matter what I choose I will be wrong. I guess I deserve this.
but I don't deserve it. I deserve to be a priority in your life once. What do you think it feels like for me to have you say stuff like that? You can't come see me because your husband has needs and his matter more than mine?  You haven't seen your kids in over a year. You haven't seen me in more than a decade.  You can't tell me that I'm your daughter and then say stuff like that. It hurts and it's not fair. Maybe this isn't a good idea after all.  I wish I could be more flexible and try to accommodate your needs but you abandoned me as a child and somehow didn't see the abuse that was happening in your house and then didn't believe me then and never fought for me. Am I being a totally selfish jerk? Yeah, I probably am, but I'm just not willing to be the one who puts your needs over mine right now.  I could definitely do that in normal circumstances, but I cannot right now. I have not been a priority in your life and I need you to show me that I matter to you. I'm sorry it's not something you're willing to try.  You did not fight for me then and I really needed to see if you would fight for me now.  The answer is pretty devastating. 
This is crazy. I really wanted this but there is no working with you at all. You hate what happened to you and you think its all my fault and that is the problem And I'm sorry all this happened I can't change it, I do have other people in my life not that you aren't important to me because you are.  I'm sorry that I'm living up to your expectations. Maybe I never will that doesn't mean I don't care.
And please don't put words into my mouth, I didn't know I could fight for you then. or I would have......believe that or not. you have a choice now to let me be part of your life or not. and it sounds like you made up your mind. how sad this is!
Why can't your husband come along and hang out in a hotel or go to disneyland or something?  You're being really unfair. Really unfair. I really don't understand how you can be angry right now.  It seems like you thought this would be easy and fairytale like and we'd come together and there would be no damage. You, no matter how sad you felt about it, caused damage in my life and that makes trying to connect and work things out really difficult for me.  I need to feel that I matter to you, but you can't seem to do that the way I need you too.  I'm really sad that your husband (what prevents him from being away from you for two days or coming with you?  I really don't understand) is more important than me again. Again you've chosen a man over me.  You left me and I need you to be the one to come get me.  You didn't fight for me then so I need you to be put in a little effort for me now.  You can't tell me I am your daughter and then tell me two days is too inconvenient for you.  You just can't. 
I don't understand how this has become an argument between you choosing your husbands health over seeing me?  I don't see how they are related.  I don't see how two days would risk the possibility of you losing him.  He was able to tramp around France and Italy for three weeks this month.  How are two days in California too much?  I really do not get it.  Maybe I just got too hopeful and excited and expected too much.  This all seems so impossible now and I'm pretty angry and hurt about it.  I don't think you really understand that I was completely destroyed last time.  I was so destroyed that I could not speak, cry, or laugh for over a year.  Not one sound.  Not one giggle.  Not one tear.  I don't think I'd survive it again.  I can't fly across the country and risk being trapped and alone if this whole thing blows up.  I can't risk being so far away from therapy and doctors and support when I am facing something this big and potentially damaging.  It's too risky and scary for me.  I have so much more to lose than you do.  Please don't hurt me anymore. 
I don't want to hurt you at all. I really want this to work out for both of us. I'm not making any promises to you that I can't keep. I said I wanted us to work things out and I mean that. I said that you mean allot to me.  I will not hurt you.  True it is hard to expect allot from me when you blame me for everything, I'm not saying any of it was your fault but there where things that happened with workers ect. that made me think and do things the way I did. I don't want to be hurt either and this is crushing me.  All I wanted was to be a part of your life.  I'm so sorry And yes my husband means allot to me, he has helped me through allot if I lost him I don't know what I would do. I know that is hard for you to understand but it is true. What good would I be for anyone if that happened. I do baby him but I love him. Lets talk tomorrow and hopefully you are not so angry.
Its not hard for me to understand that your husband means a lot to you. That's not beyond my capacity for understanding at all. What is beyond my capacity for understanding is how you can say I am important and worth fighting for and then tell me I'm not important enough for you to make the effort to come out and see me. Your reasons for not doing so don't make sense to me. He could come along and I don't understand how you can't spend two days apart? 

Regardless of what social workers said or did you are still responsible for your actions so yeah, I do hold you responsible for the things that you did.  I do hold you responsible for not at fighting for me, for not trying to stay in my life, for not believing me, for not looking for me sooner, for walking away. I understand there were influences and pressures on you but I don't think that means you are not accountable for the things you did and didn't do. You found out your husband was sexually abusing your foster child and it was easier to send her away than deal with the truth.  You didn't leave him or even try to be there for me at all.  You were quick to dismiss my words even when there was medical evidence.  Things would have been so different for me if you had reacted differently to my diary.  I really needed you to protect me, hold me, and cry with me.  I needed you to support me and stand by me.  I wish you had at least tried to stay in my life even if it was just letters or bday cards, but you didn't.  You just left me at a hospital all by myself.  

I feel like you want to work things out but only on your terms and only when its easy for you. I don't write this in anger. These are my feelings. I know you can get hurt in this too. I don't think you aren't allowed to have feelings.  I just don't understand what's going on right now.  I would have been on a plane to see my daughter the minute I found her.  I don't understand how wanting you to visit me for two days is asking you to abandon and kill you husband.  I do not see the connection at all and it feels like a really weak cop-out.  It feels like going beyond facebook and email is more than you are really willing to go for me and that really sucks.  It sucks that you would open all of this up for me without really thinking about what this would mean for me.  It just sucks.