Thursday, December 15, 2011

If you can't change it, it doesn't matter.


All I am trying to say is yes I want you in my life if that is what you want, but I can't help you deal with the past.  You have to learn to let it go.  I also know that you want answers. I guess the problem is I don't have answers to your questions, I can listen to what you say about tim and I can hear you, I can listen to you.  I don't understand it and that doesn't mean I don't believe you I had no idea that those things were going on. So I don't know how I would have answers for that. You didnt tell me anything was happening with tim.  How was i supposed to know?  You are so angry with me for what he did to you because I didn't know.  I ddidnt see any signs like you say that i should have.  You were a very hyper girl, always getting bruises and cuts.  I just though you were clumbsy.  I dont know why you never said nothing was happening to you if it was so bad.  A man should never touch a child but are you sure  that you are remembering things right?  If he was rough and hurt you so much why did you let it go on so long?  That is difficult for me to believe.  It doesn't mean I don't believe you.  I am just confused.  Maybe at the time it was  wasn't so bad maybe it was something that felt good but now that you know better you feel bad?  Don't take that the wrong way.  I just remember how much you liked being around tim and how you always went with him to trips to town.  I could just never think that something that horrible was happening to you.  I can listen to what you say about him but i am not sure i know what you want me to do.  I can't change the past.  I can't fix it. 

You want answers from me, I gave you all the answers I believe that I can.  I'm not sure what your looking for from me I guess, I know you want me to see your theropist, And I got a feeling that is the only option your giving me.  And maybe someday I can do that I don't know what good it will do, for the reasons I have with you, All I know is what happened my feeling when it happend and I don't have any other answers, I feel I'm missing something here,  You feel like I abandoned you I get that really I do, but again at the time I felt I was doing the right things for what I was told.  I have no other answer to that. I don't know if you will ever understand that or if you will ever forgive me for that. I guess that is what you have to search for. You need to ask yourself can you forgive?

I have been talking to someone who I have worked with for years and she also says we need to move on that going back is not always good. It has been allot of years and there are things forgotten and it isn't as fresh in our minds as it was back then.  We may think so but things get mixed up and we have our own thoughts.

Your right these emails are not good because you can't hear the emotions and the real feelings that could come across in person. I agree on that totally. sometime the words are not put down correctly and it is confusing and sometime taken the wrong way.

All I can say I'm here if you want me but I can't dwell in the past anymore.  this is who I am and either you can take as I am or not.  I can't make that decision for you. I also feel if you think that seeing your theropist one time is going to fix things, I'm sorry I don't believe that. A couple of days visit with the way you feel and what your asking from me is not going to fix anything.  It is going to take time, it may take years for you to trust me.  I believe if we go forward and learn to trust each other and build on a relationship that works for us.  Its going to take time and letting the past go.  we have to move forward. 

Anyhows I don't know what else to say either,  All I can say is I'm here for you if you want me, but I can't keep dwelling on the past.  It's to much and all this negativity is not good for us.

I love ya.