Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Christmas gifts and losses

I'm not a religious person, but Christmas is more of a cultural holiday here in the US.  Most of my Jewish friends even celebrate it.  I want so badly to like Christmas.  I really do.  No matter how hard I try I just can't make myself enjoy it.  I fake so much enthusiasm for my gf because she has this childlike excitement and glee about it.  Usually she goes to Chicago for her family but she refused to go this year without me and I couldn't afford to go or put our dogs in doggy daycare while we are gone.  I have no idea why she won't go.  She went for a while in August, so it's not a fear of leaving me alone.

I could see the sadness and disappointment she was feeling because she wasn't with her family participating in her family traditions.  She skyped with her Mom, and then with her dad, and then with her aunt.  She was on the phone all day.  I had no one to call.  Last year was the first year I celebrated Christmas with a family, MY family.  It was the first year I enjoyed Christmas even though I spent much of it extremely uncomfortable and anxious.  I was with people that i really loved and I loved watching the little kids rip into their gifts.  I wasn't sure if they were excited about the actual gifts or just opening the presents.  The two little girls began to ask if they could rip open C's gifts because he wasn't yet able to get what it was all about.  I had never had someone do something so special for me like K did last year with the strange giant stocking full of weird stuff. (blogged about it here)  I want to cry just thinking about it.

I just don't understand how I manage to ruin every relationship I have ever had.  One week she was telling me she loves me and would never go away and literally one week later she was done and I don't know exactly why.  I honestly don't mean to be the way I am.  I really don't know what I do that makes everyone so angry, so often.  I even do it on the internet, with this blog, or through emails.  I just don't understand people no matter what form I interact with them .  Maybe I just want too much from people.  Maybe I'm too needy, but then again maybe I'm not needy enough, maybe I switch back and forth too often.  I just really have no clue how to be a normal person.  I don't know how to relate to people.  I never learned how to make friends or be part of a family.  I never learned how to keep a relationship beyond a few months.  I have NO idea why my gf is still with me.  There have been so many reasons why she should have and could have left.  I really don't know why she's still around.  We don't fight, not really.  We have some serious discussions but conflict makes me panic.  She often asks, "Can I ask you something?"  Whenever she says that I panic and her question is usually about something simple like my opinion on some strange thing she heard on one of her Snooty Intellectual podcasts.  How can she tolerate me when almost nobody can?

like this but I used diff. colors
This year I bought little C these really cute pajamas with different trucks all over them.  That little boy LOVES trucks.  It's really funny actually because no one knows why.  He's offered all kinds of toys, for girls and boys.  He plays with dolls but he goes insane for trucks.  He points them out all the time and wants to read books with them over and over.  So for Hanukkah and Christmas I bought him truck pajamas, and some truck books.  I also bought him "The Giving Tree" which is one of my favorite books of all time.

It was going to be our tradition that I would give K and D a three photo frame of photos of C I have taken through out the year.  I haven't seen C much this year.  The last time I saw him was in the beginning of April.  The photos I have are from April or earlier, but I still found three of them I really liked and put them in a frame.  I also painted the drawing I drew of C a while ago.  I wrapped everything in old paper grocery bags and made designs on top with different colored electrical tape.

My painting of "C"
I was way too scared to take the gifts over myself so I asked a friend that I met in my therapy program this summer to do it for me.  I picked her up at home and drove her over to their house.  I hid my car behind two very large trucks and made her walk like half a block to get there.  She opened the door and handed D the gifts and left.  I wrote in my card that we moved to a new place and I changed my email address to escape my mother (that's going to be true soon) so I wasn't expecting any kind of response from her by the gifts and that I hope it was okay that I got them gifts.  When my friend got back in the car I apologized over and over about making her do something so weird.  She said she didn't mind but she really wanted to go back and leave a flaming bag of dog poop on their porch.  She doesn't really know the story but she was part of my program when K told me she did't want me anymore so she saw me sob for months.  I declined her offer but it was sweet that she felt that protective over me.  I can't believe I just called dog poop sweet.  We went to coffee and then I took her home.  As soon as I waved goodbye and pulled away I burst into tears and I couldn't stop.  I pulled over and cried.  I know how much he would love those pajamas and I know how much she would love those photos and the chocolate orange I always get her.  I wanted to see what they thought of my painting.  I wanted to watch them open the gifts.  I miss them so much and I hate myself so much for not being someone that people want to keep.  I ache so badly but no matter how many pain killers I shove down my throat, nothing will alleviates it.

It's not like I haven't had people offer to be my family throughout my life.  I've had a lot of people tell me they wanted me, but I always manage to screw it up.  I beg my therapists to tell me what is wrong with me so I can fix it but they won't give me any answers.  I just don't know how to keep people around.  I don't know how to be a normal person with normal relationships.  I've tried everything I can think of.  I have given people everything I have, everything they want.  Sometimes i give people way more than I really can or should.  I don't know how to keep people happy with me.

I want love and family and belonging so badly that it's eating me alive.  I don't give my heart away very easily because when I do they end up hurting me and I always have more to lose in my relationships.  I think I always care about people way more than they can care about me, but I can never keep people around no matter how hard I try.  I always fuck things up and I really don't know why I do it.  I can look back now and see things that might have driven K and D away but even when I look back and think about someone doing similar things to me, I just can't understand why that is all it takes to turn away.   I don't know why it was enough to throw away six years.  The only explanation I can think of is I'm worthless and fucked up, and nearly impossible to love.

At what point will it be okay to put me down?  When is it okay to put me out of my suffering?  If I had a terminal illness it would be okay to decide life hurts too much to continue and go to sleep forever.  I was born with something wrong with me and it hasn't gotten better in more than a quarter century.  When will someone decide that it's cruel to keep me alive?  I want a family so badly, but no family will ever keep me because of this fucked up, disgusting, vile little creature that lives in my brain and body.  How do I kill that soul consuming parasite living inside me before it kills me?