I went through IVF and gave my friends my eggs on November 18, 2008 with naive dreams of family and giving someone I loved a huge gift. I wish I had someone with my best interest to help me make that decision back then. I filled my body and ovaries with strong chemicals that changed my body chemistry and affected my mental health. It seriously changed my vision and my eyes ability to focus naturally for about six months. I will be on medication for the rest of my life to manage my hormones because my body no longer does it properly. November was the month I lost my fertility and opened up the future devastating blow to my heart.
November is the month my foster parents left me for Chicago when they were expecting a baby. They became foster parents just for me. I met my future foster mom while I was mute and in a children's psychiatric hospital after trying to kill myself. She became my "CPS special friend" and then decided to make me hers forever. I lived with them twice, half a year when I was 15 and for a while before I turned 18. They promised to be my family and never go away. They sent me away the first time because of some emails I wrote complaining about them after they grounded me. It's a bit more complicated than that, but basically they sent me away for being 15. They promised they would adopt me when I turned 18 and that I would always have a place to call home and somewhere to go during school breaks. They promised to be part of my life forever. The convinced me to give up my scholarship in NY and stay in Arizona so that I would have them as a support system through college. Two months into my Freshman year at college they packed up and moved 1800 miles away. November is the month my last childhood family ditched me.
I turned 18 on October 28th and aged out of foster care. November was the first month I was and adult and the first month I was completely alone in the world and without a place to call home. November is scary and extremely lonely.
Everything reminds me of something I don't want to remember and I've had intense, long lasting flashbacks or hallucinations or whatever you want to call them six times so far this month. Usually I can maintain some kind of connection to the present, but lately I'm totally gone. I'm totally lost. Yesterday I cried in bed for hours and then called my friend, Stacey, from my partial program this summer, and asked her to hang out so I wouldn't stay in bed crying all day. We went to eat crepes and I tried to tell jokes to make her laugh so that I could feel good enough to hold back the tears and I don't even know why I was crying. After we left the promenade, I had a panic attack in an elevator full of people in the parking garage. I had another panic attack in Stacey's car. I had to take 1.5mg of klonopin to calm down. I normally take .25 to .5mg. I had a panic attack while taking a shower today. There are no reasons for my panic attacks. They just happen--for nothing.
I've cried almost everyday so far and my emotions are all over the place. One minute I'm totally fine and calm and the next I feel terrified or enraged or extremely sad for no reason. Sometimes I feel kind of dead emotionally. I feel nothing. It's way beyond apathy. It's like I'm not even alive--I don't exist. I'm obsessing over weird things. I had a strong urge to break all of my graphic drawing pencils at 3 am this morning and then I overly panicked at the thought that I would. I think about the Texas Judge video and have a strong impulse and desire to watch it. I open the link but I never push play. I just sit there and think about how much I want to watch it. It hurts to watch but I have like this weird intense sick craving. I'm craving to watch a man beat his daughter. How fucked up is that? I'm disgusting. I haven't cut myself since August but I've come so close this week. I have gently dragged the razor across my thighs but I didn't break any skin. My mental health started to decline around this time last year and it got worse and worse until I finally tried to put myself out of my suffering, but I sat on my bed with loaded syringes repeatedly before then. I don't want to go there again and I'm scared this is the beginning of a decent into a very dark place when I just started to crawl out of it. Is November the end of my sanity? November hurts.