Friday, November 4, 2011

I still need a mom

warning...  another sad whiny post



I've been on antibiotics for a few days and one antibiotic makes me so sick that I haven't been able to keep any food down for three days.  I tried to go out to the movies with some friends tonight but I vomited and had to come home so I feel a bit overly emotional right now.  I want a mom.  OMG I need a mom.  I want a mom so badly that it physically hurts.  I'm not a little girl anymore.  I should be able to put this behind me and move on.  I should be able to heal like people do from break ups but I just can't.  I'm too weak.  I'm very much an adult--well into my twenties, but I can't seem to get over it.  I can't alleviate the pain that comes with the huge void and loss of never having been mothered....or fathered, or cared for, or loved as family.  I would take any mom, black, white, brown, purple, trans.  I would take a not-so-healthy mom. I want a mom that nags me.  I want a mom that embarrasses me and gives me stuff I really don't want.  I want a mom that pinches my cheeks or criticizes my cooking.  I want a mom that tells me what to do.  I want a mom that pisses me off.  I want a mom that hugs me.  I want a mom that holds me and comforts me during a crisis.  I want a mom I can call with good news.  I want a mom to let down and a mom to make proud.  I want a mom that's there for me when I'm sad.  I want a mom that loves me just because I'm her daughter.  I want a mom so badly that it's killing me and that might actually be true.  My health seems to be on the decline lately with infection after infection, syndrome after syndrome.  The older I get, the harder life is becoming.  It may not seem like it but I'm trying so hard to accept my past and stop yearning for what I can't have.  I'm trying to be healthy and happy but I can't figure out how.  My last failed attempt at family has annihilated any resilience I once possessed and my ability to bounce back easily.  I never know how I fuck things up.  It really feels like the minute I need someone--the minute I need something from the people who say they are my family they decide they are done with me.  My therapists and doctors tell me that it's because I pick the wrong kind of people, that I attract the wrong kind of people, but I'm not sure that's really true.  I have no idea how to be a normal person.  I try.  Oh my god do I try.  I feel so different and alone in the world.  I want someone in my life who gets it.  I want to meet people like me.  I searched for a support group for former foster children in LA but they don't exist.

I feel like I live my life like that guy trapped in the little girls mind in the movie "Being John Malkovich."  I get to watch life, but I don't know how to participate.  This blog has been my sole place to vomit up all these feelings because I don't know what else to do with them.  These feelings are like leaches, draining me of health and life, making it totally impossible for me to do anything with my life.  Making it impossible for me to be a functioning human being.  I used to go to parks and watch parents with their kids.  I'd watch them and try to live vicariously through those little kids.  As strange as it sounds that comforted me a little bit.  It made me feel like I was part of a family for a brief moment.  But today I can't do that.  Just seeing a parent with their child causes a swell of pressure throughout my body and the need to cry and cry hard.  Now when I see little toddler boys my heart just drops to my feet so I have no choice but to stomp all over it.  I lost another family and I tried so hard to make this one work.  I don't even know how to articulate how hard I tried and how much I wanted it to work.  I gave up my time, my money, my energy, my body, my fertility.  But I screwed it up anyway.  I don't know what people want.  I can't figure it out.  I still can't figure people out.  I can't figure myself out.  I can't figure out how to make people want me.  I can't figure out how to be loved by people.  I can't figure out how to live with that...and FUCK I miss KH so much even after she literally told me she didn't want me in her life anymore and all the other hurtful things that were said to me.  I just want people to stop leaving me.  I just want to be able to call someone my family and have it really be true. I want to be wanted.  Why doesn't anyone want me?  I'm a good person.  I do good things and lets face it, I'm freaking hilarious in real life.  I can make absolutely anyone laugh.  Just sayin'.  Whats wrong with who I am?

The only love I trust without any doubt is the love from my dogs.  While I suspect Scout loves anyone who will scratch her butt, Cooper's love for me is strong and completely unconditional.  It was love at first site for me.  I went to the pound for an older dog but I saw this scrawny, mange infested puppy with distemper disease sitting in the corner of a cage full of healthy happy puppies.  While all the other puppies fought for my attention, he just looked at me and cried in the corner.  I asked to hold him and as soon as he was in my arms he came alive--lots of kissing and he was so wiggly I almost dropped him.  I paid the $60 to adopt him but had to wait two days so he could be neutered.  When I picked him up from animal birth control, I carried him like a baby to my car.  He peed all over me, but I didn't care.  Now, almost six years later, he cries when I close the door to the bathroom.  He wants to sit by the tub while I shower.  Sometimes he sticks his head around the shower curtain just to make sure I'm still in there.  He acts like a maniac when I come home even if I was only gone for a few minutes.  When we go to off leash parks he runs off but always looks back to make sure I'm coming and if I'm not, he runs back to be with me.  Sometimes when we are on leashed walks, he looks back at me, does a little jump as if he's thinking, "Isn't this so much fun?"  He is 80lbs and wants to sit in my lap.  He wants me to hold him at night.  My dog loves me and my love for him is intense but I know that I only have nine more years with him at the most.  I am grateful for every minute I have with him and my other pets, but I need more.  I still need to be loved by people.  I still need a family no matter how freaking old I get.  Why can't I find someone who loves me a fraction as much as my dog does?