warning... another sad whiny post
I feel like I live my life like that guy trapped in the little girls mind in the movie "Being John Malkovich." I get to watch life, but I don't know how to participate. This blog has been my sole place to vomit up all these feelings because I don't know what else to do with them. These feelings are like leaches, draining me of health and life, making it totally impossible for me to do anything with my life. Making it impossible for me to be a functioning human being. I used to go to parks and watch parents with their kids. I'd watch them and try to live vicariously through those little kids. As strange as it sounds that comforted me a little bit. It made me feel like I was part of a family for a brief moment. But today I can't do that. Just seeing a parent with their child causes a swell of pressure throughout my body and the need to cry and cry hard. Now when I see little toddler boys my heart just drops to my feet so I have no choice but to stomp all over it. I lost another family and I tried so hard to make this one work. I don't even know how to articulate how hard I tried and how much I wanted it to work. I gave up my time, my money, my energy, my body, my fertility. But I screwed it up anyway. I don't know what people want. I can't figure it out. I still can't figure people out. I can't figure myself out. I can't figure out how to make people want me. I can't figure out how to be loved by people. I can't figure out how to live with that...and FUCK I miss KH so much even after she literally told me she didn't want me in her life anymore and all the other hurtful things that were said to me. I just want people to stop leaving me. I just want to be able to call someone my family and have it really be true. I want to be wanted. Why doesn't anyone want me? I'm a good person. I do good things and lets face it, I'm freaking hilarious in real life. I can make absolutely anyone laugh. Just sayin'. Whats wrong with who I am?