Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Art and sad dreams

I don't usually show my drawings to strangers, but tonight is a special case.  I was plagued with sad dreams tonight.  I have them a lot.  I don't really know if they are considered nightmares or not.  They aren't scary, just really sad and usually real life events.  Sadmares?  I often wake myself up because I'm sobbing in my sleep and holding my breath.  I woke up tonight that way and very overwhelmed with loss and sadness.  When I can't sleep and I can't stop thinking I space out and draw.  I totally go away.  It's like I am sleepily and peripherally watching my hands work.  Tonight my dreams and thoughts were on a particular little boy.  My brain turned off so much so that I wasn't even aware of who I was drawing until I finished.  In some ways I feel better after drawing him and in others I feel more sadness.  Drawing is sometimes the only thing that soothes me when I am flooded and freaking out.  I hope his parents will eventually forgive me for my behavior the first half of this year and let me back in his life.  Why are there so many conditions when people offer me unconditional love and family?  I realize almost nothing is unconditional but I just seem to have so many strict conditions and very little forgiveness in my life.  I know it sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself.  Well, I guess I am feeling sorry for myself.  I'm feeling sorry for the amount of loss I've had to endure and sorry that I miss so many people.  I just don't understand why I can't keep anyone around.