Thursday, October 27, 2011

Epic birthday plans

Tomorrow is my birthday.  These are my plans for the day because apparently I am a 12 year old boy.


Laser tag because what's better than sneaking around in the dark with a gun, shooting people with lasers, diving and rolling on the ground to avoid being hit, practicing my Rambo/GI Joe/Wonder Woman skills?  Nothing.
Laser tag (and this ^ show is awesome)


Dressing like Zombies and hiking in the dark with flashlights with a bunch of people.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Art and sad dreams

I don't usually show my drawings to strangers, but tonight is a special case.  I was plagued with sad dreams tonight.  I have them a lot.  I don't really know if they are considered nightmares or not.  They aren't scary, just really sad and usually real life events.  Sadmares?  I often wake myself up because I'm sobbing in my sleep and holding my breath.  I woke up tonight that way and very overwhelmed with loss and sadness.  When I can't sleep and I can't stop thinking I space out and draw.  I totally go away.  It's like I am sleepily and peripherally watching my hands work.  Tonight my dreams and thoughts were on a particular little boy.  My brain turned off so much so that I wasn't even aware of who I was drawing until I finished.  In some ways I feel better after drawing him and in others I feel more sadness.  Drawing is sometimes the only thing that soothes me when I am flooded and freaking out.  I hope his parents will eventually forgive me for my behavior the first half of this year and let me back in his life.  Why are there so many conditions when people offer me unconditional love and family?  I realize almost nothing is unconditional but I just seem to have so many strict conditions and very little forgiveness in my life.  I know it sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself.  Well, I guess I am feeling sorry for myself.  I'm feeling sorry for the amount of loss I've had to endure and sorry that I miss so many people.  I just don't understand why I can't keep anyone around.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Went whale watching

I went whale watching with my gf and two friends.  We only saw dolphins, but three different kinds and hundreds of them!  They were jumping in the waves from the boat.  They were so playful.  They are like aqua puppies!  It was the first time I have ever been on a boat besides a kayak.  The day started out pretty bad because I was up all night sick with flu or food poisoning.  My 3 hours of sleep was full of nightmares and sleep walking.  I had to really push myself not to call and cancel on my friends.  I really didn't want to go, but I always feel that way before I do something social.  I started the day grumpy, and feeling like crap, but I ended the day really happy with lots of new experiences, hours of fun with friends, and a windburned face.  All for $15.  :-)

Birds and dolphins!

My Friend and a baby dolphin


My friend Nicolette (khaki hoodie) took this.  NJP photography

Thursday, October 13, 2011

I hope...

that someday I can feel that I am more than this: 
And this:

and this

And this:

I hope someday I can be less of this

And feel more like this:


But how do I get there?

Sunday, October 9, 2011

When the past hijacks my brain

WARNING:  Very raw

The waiter reached over my shoulder to top off my glass of water.  It startled me.  I jumped and knocked my fork off the table.  His voice sounds familiar.  "Let me get you another fork," he said.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Dear Foster Kids

I know how you feel about yourself.  I know how hard life is for you.  I know what people have done to you...and not done for you and how hard it is to trust and feel safe in this world full of strangers.  I have been there too and I am struggling too, but I hope my pain and this blog can show you that you are not alone.  I don't have much to offer, but I can give you this:  No matter how many parents didn't want you.  No matter how many homes you've been in.  No matter how many labels you've been given.  No matter what you've been through.  No matter what you've done to survive.  No matter who you are--  Don't give up.  You are strong.  You are a warrior.  You are amazing.  You are beautiful.  I love you.  And I want you.  No matter what.